West Coast Connection Forum
Lifestyle => Train of Thought => Topic started by: Woodrow on March 30, 2003, 02:11:14 PM
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LOL!
What the fuck is this?!
NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!
Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.
"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.
"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.
"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."
The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.
"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.
When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.
Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.
"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."
In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.
All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."
However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."
Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."
Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.
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LOL WOW :o
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The Weekly World News is a newspaper made up of (funny) fabricated news stories
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Thanks for ruining the fun asshat :P
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LMFAO@ WEEKLY WORLD NEWS
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lmao @ that story
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Damn.. until I read the second reply, they really had me going. Seriously.
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Probably the most reliable source you ever used as well...
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So now the Weekly World News is a better source than CNN, Foxnews, BBC, NPR, and UPI??
It's not my fault your a bitter little man
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So now the Weekly World News is a better source than CNN, Foxnews, BBC, NPR, and UPI??
It's not my fault your a bitter little man
lol it's funnt cuz it's true
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lol
Foxnews runs Weekly World news very close
funnt?
keep it up you illiterate ese
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Foxnews runs Weekly World news very close
funnt?
keep it up you illiterate ese
You know you're digging your hole deeper and deeper when you break out the racial insults.
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now, im not too knowledgable on california gang terms, but is Ese even a racist term?
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now, im not too knowledgable on california gang terms, but is Ese even a racist term?
Probably not, but illiterate ese changes things in my mind...
When somebody even brings race into an argument, it REALLY looks stupid IMO.
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now, im not too knowledgable on california gang terms, but is Ese even a racist term?
ese iz like nigga, although the stigma is less...but "illeterate ese" is definitely racist >:(
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Quake, I wasnt addressing you, You are not fit to speak on such matters. Faghan, anyone?
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Quake, I wasnt addressing you, You are not fit to speak on such matters.
How the fuck do you know? ::)
Faghan, anyone?
So now your selling ur sexual services thru the internet? .... *shakes head*
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So now your selling ur sexual services thru the internet? .... *shakes head*
OH SHIT!!! ROTFLMAO!!!
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WOKR is a major news station in New York! ;)
http://wokr.com/news/weird_news/story.aspx?content_id=70B4682D-A160-4536-B5DE-8BB357DF94F0 (http://wokr.com/news/weird_news/story.aspx?content_id=70B4682D-A160-4536-B5DE-8BB357DF94F0)
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Fooled another!
http://slashdot.org/articles/03/04/17/179243.shtml?tid=133
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That was creepy-yet incredibly cool-right up until Jay ruined it, and now it's all a racist ass thread with bitching...as is usual in TOT. Well done, another thread degrades into racism and arguments.