Recent subterranean dwellers spotted in NYC

[J Bananas]

26 April 2006, Chicago Tribune, pg. L30

A recent article in a New York newspaper reported that there were large colonies of people living under the city…

The paper was incorrect. What is living under the city is not human.

A rash of bizarre murders in New York City seem to point to a group of grotesquely deformed vagrants living in the sewers. A courageous policeman, a photo journalist and his girlfriend, and a nutty bum, who seems to know a lot about the creatures, band together to try and determine what the creatures are and how to stop them.

IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY SUBTERRANEAN DWELLERS


C.H.U.D.–– short for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers —are homeless people who have been mutated by radioactive waste into flesh-eating maniacs.

The C.H.U.D. are attacking you because you have fallen into an open New York City manhole, and they long for the taste of your still-living flesh. It is like chocolate covered almonds to them.


How do I stop a CHUD?

First of all, we recognize that you’re under considerable attack-related stress right now, and grammar concerns are probably not foremost on your mind. However, the editors of this publication ask that you please try to punctuate the term C.H.U.D. It is an acronym.

Additionally, as the D in C.H.U.D. stands for ‘dwellers’, the term C.H.U.D. should be seen as the plural form.


What’s the singular form?

given that C.H.U.D. hunt in packs, it is plausible to assume there isn’t one. You will be always be attacked and killed by multiple C.H.U.D. In the event that you wish to refer to one mutated zombie cannibal vagrant, the editors of this publication recommend keeping the plural form.

Examples
• “One of the C.H.U.D. is leading the attack.”
• “Several of the C.H.U.D. are throwing a fun-sounding party.”
• “A member of the governing C.H.U.D. body has bitten through my hand.”


Fine. How do I stop C.H.U.D.?

In the feature film C.H.U.D., a photo journalist, his girlfriend and their hilarious hobo sidekick created a natural gas explosion that proved very effective in destroying the C.H.U.D. If you are in possession of natural gas, book of matches, flame-retardant asbestos suit and hilarious vagrant sidekick, create a natural gas explosion immediately.