Author Topic: New Bulletin For All Employees  (Read 48 times)

Teddy Roosevelt

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New Bulletin For All Employees
« on: June 01, 2006, 02:38:28 PM »
New Company Policy
Effective 2005
Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If we
see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy
nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just
right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a
raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.  If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open,
and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will
be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders
category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.
 

QuietTruth

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Re: New Bulletin For All Employees
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2006, 02:40:13 PM »
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

That was good ;D