U.S./Iraq Farce, Act 1: Prove a negative

[King Tech Quadafi]

By ERIC MARGOLIS -- Contributing Foreign Editor

A favourite terror technique of the Soviet secret police during the great purges of the 1930s was to arrest a suspect at 3 a.m., and in an interrogation room at the dreaded Lubyanka prison be sat down in front of a blank piece of paper and a pencil. "Write down each and every one of your crimes, and names of all your fellow conspirators," warned NKVD interrogators. "We know everything you have done. If you omit even one crime in your confession, you and your entire family will be shot."

The Bush Administration - behind the fig-leaf of UN inspectors - is doing the same: "list all your hidden weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) and scientists who made them. Leave off even one site or name and we will immediately go to war against you."

Iraq's task: to prove a negative.

Consider the possible scenarios ...

Baghdad, December, 2002, Presidential Bunker #27:

"Oh Saddam, Light of the Euphrates, Sword of Islam, Lord of Babylon."

"Yes, yes, what is it, Gen. Hamid?"

"The Americans are insisting Dairy Plant #12 is a nerve gas production facility. It's not on our confession list."

"Is it a nerve gas factory? I thought we only made nerve gas in baby food plants?"

"No, Oh Radiance of the Tigris, it's just a milk plant. But if the Americans don't find poison gas there they will claim we are lying and then start the war."

"We can't have that. Quick, General, get some machines over there and begin making poison gas so we can admit we are guilty so the Americans won't attack. Do this by dawn or you will be demoted to private third class in my glorious Suicide Commandos."

Baghdad, May, 2003, Memo from U.S. II Corps Commander Lt. Gen. Delmar Creech To Military Governor of Iraq, General Tommy Franks:

"Dear Franks of Mesopotamia (thought you'd like to know what the boys call you): We've searched this whole miserable little country high and low but can't find any weapons of mass destruction, except for a few old, rusted drums of stale mustard gas from the 1980s. My orders are to find WMDs. What should I do?"

'Just mix up some ol' chemicals'

Franks to Creech: "Delmar, you squirrel-brained dimwit, if you can't find any WMDs, then make some. The commander-in-chief says Saddam's got 'em, you've got to prove him right, or you're on permanent latrine detail in Alaska. We invaded this camel farm because there were supposed to be WMDs hidden here. Do it like we used to make moonshine back home: just mix up some ol' chemicals that stink real bad - try floor wax remover, ammonia, anchovy paste and garlic powder - let 'em marinate in the sun a few days, then call a press conference. Those dumb journalists won't know nerve gas from hair tonic."

Aide: "Oh Great Saddam, Second Saladin, Sword of the Arabs?"

Saddam: "Yes, yes, what is it now?"

Aide: "Phone call from Carlyle Group in Washington."

Saddam: "Isn't that the company owned by the Bushes and their Pentagon business cronies?"

Aide: "Yes, your sublime Iraqiness, it is."

Saddam: "Put them on."

CEO: "Hello, President Saddam, this is the CEO of Carlyle Group. No, no, not Chief Espionage Officer, Chief Executive Officer. No, I'm not seeking asylum in Iraq.

"Listen, we've costed war against Iraq and it comes in around $200 billion. Now here's the deal. We'll buy you out of Iraq for $174 billion, half cash, half paper, with a $3-mil monthly retainer, use of our corporate jets, a Fifth Avenue co-op apartment, fresh flowers daily, a secretarial staff, golf club memberships, and season tickets to the NY Mets.

"I've checked with the White House. Take this deal and you'll be re-classified from Dangerous Dictator to Freedom-Loving Ally. You'll also get a genuine enameled American flag pin for your lapel to prove you're not an evil Muslim.

"This is an offer you can't refuse, Mr. Saddam. As President Bush says, 'you're either with us or against us.'"

Saddam: "I spit on your $174 billion. Do you take me for the Father of Fools? The net present value of our oil reserves is $6.8 trillion. And didn't I just see the bullying villain in Walt Disney's cartoon Beauty and Beast use the same 'with us or against us' line?"

CEO: "So what? The president has a wide range of interests. How about your own TV talk show, "Ask Saddam," and a Miami Beach condo?"

Saddam: "Now, you're talking. But who will run Iraq for you?"

CEO: "We're hoping you will, as a senior consultant for us. After all, no one knows how to manage this crazy country better than you, oh Light of the Fertile Crescent!"

Saddam: "Throw in Kuwait, and you've got a deal!"


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[Doggystylin]

lmao

[Trauma-san]

Aw, you're getting all your sources from foriegn papers! As an american, how do you expect me to believe anything I can't see on CNN? Jeesh.  

[infinite59]

Great post Tech.

[bLaDe]

lmao

   -{bLaDe}