Author Topic: JoKeS..LMFAO!!  (Read 175 times)

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JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« on: January 05, 2003, 03:36:06 PM »
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
I'm no longer a PimpFemcee I did wrong and shall never be respeacted as a femcee again...
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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2003, 03:37:42 PM »
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"
I'm no longer a PimpFemcee I did wrong and shall never be respeacted as a femcee again...
[size=8]Overseer is GOD! TrUe TrUe[/size]
Inta Kird!!!!!
 

lbc213

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2003, 03:39:38 PM »
clever duck  8)
 

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2003, 03:41:07 PM »
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
 He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
 The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
 The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
 At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"



oh shit lmfao
I'm no longer a PimpFemcee I did wrong and shall never be respeacted as a femcee again...
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Inta Kird!!!!!
 

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2003, 03:42:53 PM »
One day a blonde walked into a second hand store and asked the clerk "How much is that TV in the window?" The man said, "I'm sorry. I don't sell stuff to blondes." So She walked out. The next day she came in as a red head. She asked how much the TV was in the window again. And again he said he didn't sell things to blondes. The next day she came in again and asked for the third time how much the TV was. The man said "FOR THE FINAL TIME I DONT SALE STUFF TO BLONDES!!" She said, "How did you know I was a blonde?" He said, "That’s not a TV, It’s a microwave!!!!!"

I'm no longer a PimpFemcee I did wrong and shall never be respeacted as a femcee again...
[size=8]Overseer is GOD! TrUe TrUe[/size]
Inta Kird!!!!!
 

Pimpdogg

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2003, 03:44:46 PM »
that's some funny shit



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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2003, 03:46:26 PM »
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."




lmfao took me a while to get this joke lmfao
I'm no longer a PimpFemcee I did wrong and shall never be respeacted as a femcee again...
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Inta Kird!!!!!
 

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2003, 03:54:11 PM »
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

I'm no longer a PimpFemcee I did wrong and shall never be respeacted as a femcee again...
[size=8]Overseer is GOD! TrUe TrUe[/size]
Inta Kird!!!!!
 

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2003, 03:59:02 PM »
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
I'm no longer a PimpFemcee I did wrong and shall never be respeacted as a femcee again...
[size=8]Overseer is GOD! TrUe TrUe[/size]
Inta Kird!!!!!
 

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2003, 04:00:11 PM »
Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
I'm no longer a PimpFemcee I did wrong and shall never be respeacted as a femcee again...
[size=8]Overseer is GOD! TrUe TrUe[/size]
Inta Kird!!!!!
 

Sikotic™

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2003, 04:38:57 PM »
Funny shtuff. Especially the one with the car and the chihuahua.
 

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #11 on: January 05, 2003, 04:47:15 PM »
How do you castrate a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw

Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.
"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"
"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."
"I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.
"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did." He continued,
"We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said
'Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town'.




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Pimpdogg

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #12 on: January 05, 2003, 05:07:03 PM »
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."



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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #13 on: January 05, 2003, 05:47:29 PM »
ROTFFL OH SHIT THAT WAS GREAT!
I'm no longer a PimpFemcee I did wrong and shall never be respeacted as a femcee again...
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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #14 on: January 05, 2003, 07:27:42 PM »
funny..nice stuff, u bumpin yer post count pimp?
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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #15 on: January 06, 2003, 01:32:42 PM »
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"



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Pimpdogg

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #16 on: January 06, 2003, 01:51:29 PM »
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"



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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #17 on: January 06, 2003, 03:23:24 PM »
funny..nice stuff, u bumpin yer post count pimp?

 ;D :D :-X :-*
I'm no longer a PimpFemcee I did wrong and shall never be respeacted as a femcee again...
[size=8]Overseer is GOD! TrUe TrUe[/size]
Inta Kird!!!!!
 

__kaLipZo__

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #18 on: January 06, 2003, 03:39:27 PM »
more jokes anyone?
« Last Edit: January 06, 2003, 03:40:00 PM by __kaLipZo__ »
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bez

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #19 on: January 06, 2003, 04:42:19 PM »
LOLOLGOOD SHIT
 

ZILLA THA GOODFELLA

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #20 on: January 06, 2003, 07:53:54 PM »
Nancy is confessing her sins...

NANCY: Forgive me father for I have sinned.

FATHER: What is it this week Nancy?

N: Father, I called a man a son of a bitch.

F: Why did you call him an S.O.B. Nancy?

N: Well, he touched me.

F: Like this? (he touches her hand)

N: Yes!

F: That's no reason to call him an S.O.B.

N: No, but then he grabbed my breast.

F: Hmm. Like this?

N: Yeah, exactly like that!

F: Well, that's no reason to call him an S.O.B.

N: No, No. But then he ripped my clothes off.

F: Ahh. Like this? (kshhh)

N: Yes! Yes!

F: That's no reason to call him an S.O.B.

N: No, you're misunderstanding. He put his "you know what" in my "you know where".

FIVE MINUTES PASS...

F: (grunts) Like this?

N: YEAH! Exactly like that!

F: That's no......reason.....to call him an S.O.B.

N: But father, he had AIDS.

F: SON OF A BITCH HOOLIGAN!!!











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min0rity

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Re:JoKeS..LMFAO!!
« Reply #21 on: January 06, 2003, 07:58:02 PM »
Nancy is confessing her sins...

NANCY: Forgive me father for I have sinned.

FATHER: What is it this week Nancy?

N: Father, I called a man a son of a bitch.

F: Why did you call him an S.O.B. Nancy?

N: Well, he touched me.

F: Like this? (he touches her hand)

N: Yes!

F: That's no reason to call him an S.O.B.

N: No, but then he grabbed my breast.

F: Hmm. Like this?

N: Yeah, exactly like that!

F: Well, that's no reason to call him an S.O.B.

N: No, No. But then he ripped my clothes off.

F: Ahh. Like this? (kshhh)

N: Yes! Yes!

F: That's no reason to call him an S.O.B.

N: No, you're misunderstanding. He put his "you know what" in my "you know where".

FIVE MINUTES PASS...

F: (grunts) Like this?

N: YEAH! Exactly like that!

F: That's no......reason.....to call him an S.O.B.

N: But father, he had AIDS.

F: SON OF A BITCH HOOLIGAN!!!












LMMAO!!!!!! thats fucked up