Why I can't stop writing about my X in keystyle

[infinite59]

I just sent this to her in an e-mail.. It explains... I've just came across some better understanding of the situation.

Ashley-
I can't expect you to accept the full impact of my existence.  Most people
are unwilling to really listen and take both themselves and another person
seriously.  Getting to know someone, REALLY getting to know someone, entering
that new world, is an ultimate, irretrievable leap into the unknown.  The
prospect is too terrifying.  The stakes are high.  Emotions are overwhelming.
This gives enormous power to the other person, and often they will inflict
pain and torment upon each other.  Better to maintain shallow, superficial
affairs, that way the scars are not too deep. So most people generally walk
around as what I call "half" people.
But it's hard for me to accept that.  When I saw you I honestly believed,
however shortsighted this may sound, I honestly believed that you were
capable of everything.  And when we talked I felt I could lay anything on you
and you could handle it.
When you didn't.. It never struck me that it was because you couldn't... I
always thought it was because you didn't want to.  Or that something else was
at play.  I'm finding out that I was wrong in my assumption, that you ***weren't***(typo)
able to deal with the full impact of my existence.  But I can't loose that
side of
me that wants to feel everything in full.  That side of me that wants to take
myself and other people seriously.  And for now, you are my only connection
to that part of me.  So I'm going to keep writing you.  I guess you can
always block my mail if you really don't want to hear it.- Brian-

[infinite59]

She replied write away suprisingly enough:  Peep the reply


Brian, Everything between you and I wasn't about me not accepting your existance, it was fear of who I was and how I could handle what I thought was once a special thing. You and I have grown up knowing each other in a way not most people do. We've always had this  long distance relationship that has gone up and down, and that has turned into something we both didn't want it too. I do not hate you nor do I look down upon you for any one thing. You are special, and I do think about you at times. From my point of view it is very hard to keep going on not know ing what would of happened if I had stayed where you were in MO, or if I had given this a chance a long time ago. I am trying to find out who I am, as a person. When I talk to you and deal with childish things that we yell and argue about it makes me think about being in 7th grade again, where this all started. I know I have done my fair share of lying and not being a good friend, and when I say I am sorry please believe me. So many things have gone through my mind on what to do about the friendship we have ( if i can even call it that). Brian you are a good person and a loyal friend, I just didn't want to face the fact that I might have met a wonderful guy and because you lived so far away and I couldn't see you hurt me a lot. I have to deal with the problems I created for myself within this, and learn how to make things better because it's the only way I can live not thinking I am a bad person-Ashley-

[infinite59]

Ashley-

I accept your reply.  It's what I've been waiting for from you for the longest.  I can't be mad at you anymore, because you were finally honest with me.  And it's better late than never.  This proves that Hate can only hold so much weight.... before love and truth shine through.- Brian-

[Trauma-san]

Man, You Have Balls....[size=20]* THIS * BIG[/size]

[maxi-padz]

[size=20]THIS BIG[/size]

i admire u to come out with ur feelingz tha way u did dawg.. when i get emotional i start swearing and talken shit maybe i learn a lesson from this...

peace
~1~

[Big BpG]

I've written a few of those Infinite... I wrote one last June...  anyway, much props, i think what she said below is real important

I am trying to find out who I am, as a person.

... ive said it a lot... you cant show love for someone else, unless you show it for yourself

-Big BpG

[HBKid_Jr]

i dont know tha whole situation but imma comment on what i see from here,  it seems like u an her had a very deep relationship an suptin happened that ended it or messed it up in a big way an tha relationship ended,  u never imagined it comin to this an dont want to face it b/c theres still suptin there in your opinion

[infinite59]

Yeah we were seperated because her mom lived in Maryland, and her dad lived here in Kansas City.  She visited and we were spent everyday together for a whole summer.  And then she went back to her moms and never came back.

[HBKid_Jr]

why dont you go to maryland,  so what if it cost a lot of money an if dont work out,  if u really care about this girl u shouldnt let anything prevent that,  an if it dont work out,  slap her in tha face an be like bitch i came all this way an u wont even give me a lil pussy,  im jus jokin bout tha last statement about slappin her

[Dogg_Pound_Gangsta]

shit dogg thats some deep shit right there.  i get all pissed and punch holes in the walls.  shit i need to try this message board.


Peace

[infinite59]

shit dogg thats some deep shit right there.  i get all pissed and punch holes in the walls.  shit i need to try this message board.


Peace

LOL.. yeah dogg.. it feels good to get shit out in the open.. makes you feel like you ain't all alone in your feelings... it's like someone else is helping me carry the wieght, and understanding me... peace

[infinite59]

i dont know tha whole situation but imma comment on what i see from here,  it seems like u an her had a very deep relationship an suptin happened that ended it or messed it up in a big way an tha relationship ended,  u never imagined it comin to this an dont want to face it b/c theres still suptin there in your opinion

Three months ago she was wanting me to come out there and see her.  Telling me she didn't have a boyfriend, and that she missed me, wanted to see me real bad, blah, blah, blah.... and then right before I'm ready to drive all the way out there, I find out she has a boyfriend that's at her college with her that she's with 24-7... I told her to apologize for lying and she wouldn't answer me, ignored me all the sudden... fucked up shit man... I haven't seen her since my early highschool years man..... I'm 19 now... and still shit hurts.....but I'll get over it eventually, peace.