Author Topic: Inexperienced Curry Taster (Read 96 times)

Suga Foot · « **on:** December 06, 2001, 02:46:11 PM »

Dogg_Pound_Gangsta sent me this:

INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER
> > >
> > >Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named FRANK who was
> > >visiting Phoenix, Durban.
> > >
> > >"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry
> > >cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
> > >I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
> > >directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by
> > >the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry
> > >wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
> > >free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
> > >
> > >Here are the scorecards from the event:
> > >
> > >CURRY 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
> > >
> > >JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> > >JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
> > >FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
> > >dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
> > >out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
> > >
> > >CURRY 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
> > >
> > >JUDGE 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > >JUDGE 2: Exciting barbecue flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
> > >seriously.
> > >FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> > >supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> > >wanted to give me the Heinmlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more
> > >beer when they saw the look on my face.
> > >
> > >CURRY 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down The Barn Curry
> > >
> > >JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
> > >JUDGE 2: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
> > >FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> > >like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now,
> > >get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
> > >now my backbone is in the front of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
> > >from all the beer.

Suga Foot · « **Reply #1 on:** December 06, 2001, 02:46:37 PM »

CURRY 4: Babu's Black Magic
> > >
> > >JUDGE 1: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> > >JUDGE 2: Hint of lime in the black beans, Good side dish for fish or
> > >other mild foods, not much of a curry.
> > >FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> > >taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Savathree, the
> > >barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb
> > >bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm
> > >eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
> > >
> > >CURRY 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
> > >
> > >JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong curry, cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> > >considerably kick, very impressive.
> > >JUDGE 2: Curry using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> > >admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > >FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> > >can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
> > >needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
> > >that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue
> > >from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I
> > >wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the
> > >other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw the lot of them !
> > >
> > >CURRY 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> > >
> > >JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian curry. Good balance of spice and
> > >peppers.
> > >JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
> > >Superb.
> > >FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> > >sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it
> > >will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> > >except that slut Savathree. She must be kinkier than I thought.
> > >Can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
> > >
> > >CURRY 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
> > >
> > >JUDGE 1: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> > >JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> > >curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
> > >about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> > >cursing uncontrollably.
> > >FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > >wouldn't feel a damn thing, I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
> > >world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
> > >with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full
> > >of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the
> > >autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
> > >it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
> > >need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
> > >
> > >CURRY 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
> > >
> > >JUDGE 1: A perfect blending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for
> > >all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > >JUDGE 2: This final entry is a good, balanced curry neither mild nor
> > >hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
> > >passed out, fell over and pulled the curry down on top of himself.
> > >Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
> > >reacted to a really hot curry.
> > >FRANK: (editor's note: Judge 3 was unable to report).