Words

[Ebony Zebedee]

Romanticizing the invisible
He asks me
"WHO IS THIS?"
I reply I do not wish to know
Then he blesses me with bliss
Sometimes fleeting
Sometimes lasting
Sometimes none of the above
Feeling chased and chaste and intoxicated as if on drugs
I turn left
Hes already there
I roll right
And still I find
The constancy of companionship
And yet I am but blind
I do not want to see him
I hope we never meet
Hes proposed on a few occassions
So I told him I will cheat
Took a vow of abstinence to keep myself safe and clean
Lasted 9 and a half years then saw a man Ive never seen
I forgot my promise instantly
We played a game of pool
I said "Im goin home with him"
And did so like a fool
I layed there in the bed wondering was it worth the wait
It was good I must admit but all in all it just felt fake
I like how he didnt woo me
Just took me as I am
The more I gave of my own self
The more that I was damned
Simply, quiet, effortless
It would be boring to you
I just laid there on my side and let him do what men were born to do
Enjoyed it all immensely
Then he would rest his arm over me
So sweet
I chose not to reciprocate
He asked why
I said "That's how I sleep"
Came back up North and vowed that he would be the last man
Much better than the one before
Still my confession is a sham
As the invisible visited once again
With pleasure I recieved
An affection so unimaginable I wished to bare his seed
Underneath the covers
All over the bed
Aching with the lust of gratification
Thinking I must be dead
They term it tactile hallucinations
First felt them in 2008
It did not disturb my mind at first
But it helped to heal my hate
At times its been invasive
Like molestation
I described
The constant irritation of being touched and defenceless like a child
The doctors asked did I enjoy it
With a gleam of evil in their eye
I chose not to mention all the good times that fed my souls desires
Sometimes it feels so strong
I tell him hes all so powerful
Then it wanes and I am left ashamed for hours feeling gullible
I hope no man has the ability to sway my emotions or my mind
To the point of confessions and obsessions or the whimpers for what I pine
And still I hope to never know who it is that visits me in my mind
And evokes the strongest of sensation so that no one else can find
A way to exploit or corrupt or rob me of the joy
Of having a constant companion even if it is a ploy
Im sure that he could harm me and I'd have no evidence
Just pangst of angst and agony without a true defense
Sometimes he asks me questions
I tell him that I do not want to talk
Then I speak admist the passion inside myself just like a thought
He asks me not to do things
Hes different from the others
Who give me bad advice and threaten all the men, children and mothers
This feeling is so different from the negatives
But its cruel
As Im unable to capture it
So I feel just like a fool
Sometimes Im not in the mood but I feel it just the same
Sometimes I wish he'd visit me
Then I end up feeling vain
Hes made me cry so often with his sweet nothings and caress
Just a tiny "You're so beautiful"
Or pull upon my breast
Even then it feels as if we have no privacy
Reminds me of a dream I had of a man under a tree
He whistled to me
I flew naked through the bedroom window into his lap
And awoke to feeling blessed although the dreams too can be traps
He asks me to be naked and sometimes I grant that sole request
In reality I sleep fully clothed
Barricading the door to try to protest
Being visited in slumber by those who seek to do me harm
It is but a trifling gesture
But I must admit I am alarmed
Sometimes I wonder who it is
He says "Open them"
I open my eyes
Underneath the blankets but I am never suprised
These face flash before me and I hope it is not them
Ive never wanted to be wanted by those very types of men
Even if all it really means is that I am unwell
I thank God for the blessing as it feels just like a spell
Hours upon hours of complete and utter bliss
How could one begrudge that without feeling amiss
So until he visits himself upon me in my darkest hour
I'll try my best to remain humble and not become bitter or sour
I'll try to appreciate every second
Although they fly by like in a trance
I'll try to maintain my composure instead of making a song and dance
Still I kinda want to share it knowing so many have so much less
Like I want all the poor abused souls to feel the spiritual caress
I hope it dont alarm them
And if they decline
I hope it leaves
But I hope if he ever visits them he puts their mind at ease.