Signing out after this and trying to act fucking mature like I could achieve

[Ebony Zebedee]

How can I justify a privilege I haven’t legitimately earned?
How can I deny another man the right to eat and live and learn?
How can I consciously with good conscience encourage gluttony and fame?
How can I dismiss the right to succeed against the oddz, against the grain?
How can I fathom it?
Realistically?
Yes, I’ve gone without.
But I had the opportunity.
I was born with a certain clout.
Now I’m just fragile.
Sensitive to everything I claim.
We all have a right to freedom and necessity just the same.
How can I chide another man when I have an immoral past?
How can I waste my good fortune when if I capture it I can pass.
The torch or prosperity.
The benefit or gift.
If I were able to succeed I could do much more than whinge or bitch.
How can I rudely request another man to help.
Those who are not as fortunate as myself in terms of health.
I can request with respect an intervention for those left.
To depend on humanitarians to provide and invest.
How can I rest on my laurels when so many are need.
My welfare is provided for so I try to plant a seed.
In the subconscious of the privileged who have so much more than I.
I’d give all of my pension to them and inturn I could rely.
On a system designed to benefit ourselves.
I am afforded a comfort and security that so many have never felt.
I tried to feed the needy but now Im confused.
Thinking Ive been tapped and prevented from feeding the abused.
Im trying to do better.
Encourage others to join in.
Use their good fortune to help those who don’t know where to begin.
The souls that only want to succeed above their place.
With integrity and good ethic to benefit their race.
Their family, long lost cousins, mother, aunties, uncles too.
To extend unto their family a safety they were not used to.
To venture beyond the borders that keep them trapped and confined.
Living off of rations begrudgingly handed them in kind.
How can I justify the exhaustion?
Whats the point in passion?
Care?
If Im unable to implement a strategy that would help them get their share.
So I disassociate.
I see so much greed and lust.
I join in on occasion.
Then I feel I can not trust.
My judgement is distorted.
But my hearts in the right place.
Need to be more disciplined and let go of the hate.
Need to try so much harder.
I feel watched, stalked, preyed upon.
Like even if I try I will be blindly led along.
I don’t wanna be part of this machine that has us living beyond our means.
I just wanna see others safer and achieve their dreams.
Its disturbing but I have weaknesses..
A weakness of the mind.
How can I offer help?
When I can’t even find mine.
Its disturbing.
I feel distaste for society as a whole.
Don’t want to venture out or explore and watch the world unfold.
Some are simply striving to put a meal on a plate.
And here’s me eating every day with occasional complaint.
If I were working I could afford to invest so much more.
If I bought a house I could welcome one to share in all I store.
To share and prosper with opportunity to further themselves and kin.
But I can’t seem to retain sanity long enough to let them in.
Checkin myself.
My failings.
Owning up to where I can.
Hoping I do better and can invest in my fellow man.
If I can prosper I can offer an opportunity to him.
Where he will be afforded the same benefits which he’ll use to help his kin.
So I’m gonna set a goal.
No more trifling shit.
No more weed, alcohol or whinging like a bitch.
I’ll give myself 6 months.
If I can remain sane.
I’ll get a fuckin job and see if I can help another gain.
And if I do fall ill again.
Hopefully the government.
Will regrant me my pension so I can afford to pay the rent.
Cant just sit round crying but not doing a thing.
Cant complain bout all this waste if I myself continue to sin.
GOTTA KEEP TRYING.