Author Topic: 16th February  (Read 3992 times)

Ebony Zebedee

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16th February
« on: February 16, 2017, 01:18:44 AM »
So the 16th is my best guess
Tried to retrace my steps
Did a little ringing round hysterical and stressed

I called the bus company
And the backpacker hostel
To try and pinpoint when exactly I found myself in hell

I remember waking up to him standing over the bed
He asked me how I slept and with a wink I said

I didnt sleep a wink
He screamed at me vainly
"THAT'S PROBABLY WHY YOU GOT KICKED OUT BY YOUR AUNTY"

Anyway
Today makes 11 years
To the best of my know how

I could care less bout the particulars
All I know is these cunts are foul

And sure I am no angel
I could bitch and whinge and moan

But no cunt really gives a fuck so I just prefer to be alone

I spose if I was evil I would plot and plan revenge
Fact is I just dont care no more
Seems others are hell bent
On getting me back for things I have no control over
So be it
If the truth is I must suffer
I'll just suffer like a bitch

Some admire infamy
Some think it quite a feat
To drug and rape individuals
Attack them in their sleep

My exes know too well how easy of a target I am
Sure I could cry victim but that wont make amends

Realistically I could try to excuse my reactions
But then I spose my enemies also feel justified for their infractions

I just calm the desire to lash out and hurt those that have hurt me
By telling myself this is nothing compared to history

I am really just one person
No great feat defeating me
There's no glory in my story
Its just a sad reality

I could feel guilty for my actions
Fixate on hate of foes
Or try my best to enjoy the days granted me with no promise of tomorrow

Sometimes I succumb to self pity
Being crazy or abused
But that really has no baring on my present
Nor does it excuse
So I just accept what I can realize is a fact and the fact is
There are many victims in this world and no one gives a shit

I used to try and pinpoint exactly where it started
Was it Bing or Trevor or Stuart or Adam or my father

Took a while to come to terms with an unsettling truth
Which is Im just a target for these devils and their abuse

So Ive recently decided that I'll try not to forget
I bounce back very easily
Which leaves me to regret
Being niave or gullible or palpable or vain
Fact is I hope to never forget their impositions again

Im taunted by thoughts of torture knowing all to well
That what for me is a nightmare dont come close to a living hell
Most days I am greatful for the opportunity
To wake where I have rested testing a sad reality

So Ive heard in songs that hustlers never sleep
Ive heard the outlaws talk bout life and death and wonder do others feel defeat

Some say if you cant beat em then your best to just join in
Ive met people who offer themselves up hoping to prevent the sin

Its a sad state of affairs
Knowing all I know
Some like to point the finger
Others try to show
That the simple fact of the matter is it dont matter where your from
Where your at is all that counts and so I try to move along

Last year I forgot this day
Truth is I cant recall
I just remember very vividly being in a bathroom stall
And discovering an injury
Not sure I was meant to find
But upon proper reflection I think it no Grand or great design

Just evidence of pestilence pretending to be strong
Picking on defenseless victims who have no chance to belong
As we actually have morals
We actually have rights
But we've been victimized and demoralized countless days and nights

See
The fact remains that others have allowed themselves to be convinced
They listen to forced confessions or simply thrive on sick dick shit

People are forced to degrade themselves through no fault of their own
Others take pleasure in vendetta or feel as if upon a throne
By subjecting others to torment against their given will
Its a reality albiet a very sad one
Still

No one gives a fuck unless it serves to gain
Their ego or their coffers or their attempt to posses fame

Some people are intimidated into acting abusively
That natural human instinct to survive exclusively
Independant of the terrors that are threatened upon their name
And so I choose to let go of resentment to pave a way

Where I can capture a sense of peace rather than fixate on wrongs done unto me
I dont expect it to be respected but it comforts my conscience unconsciously you see

Ive been driven to react to abuse abusively
Which just paves the way for more abuse so I choose reclusivity

People tell many stories of me
From childhood to adult
Am I to languish in disgust
Or wonder how or where I was taught
Am I to think I am a bad seed
Or maybe was abused
Behaviours are learned or so Im told
But that does not mean theyre exused

Still
Nobody is confessing to abusing lil ole me
Not unless they find themselves in likeminded company

I choose confession which leads to wondering if the truth really should be told
As not many are forgiving nor posses a heart of gold

Well
The fact remains that on this day I woke up to abuse
Led me to choose celibacy
But its seems that was a ruse
It did not prevent affliction
Rather wholesomeness was felt
A new feeling to a person considering the cards were dealt

Im sure that they could justify their impositions quite easily
Many excuse abuse wether convicted or free

Which is why Im trying to teach myself not to excuse abuse
Or continue abusive cycles where theres no respect for truth

Not looking to lay blame or recieve some sympathy
Merely choosing to express myself in an attempt to find reprieve
Of all that ive experienced
I can recall at age 14
The corrupted systems systematically sanctioned by sanctimonious hierarchy

Sometimes Im unsure of where this is leading to to be real
I listen to the voices and feel provoked to act with zeal

Other times Im intimidated hoping not to revisit certain pains
Like being overdosed in hospital for being aggressive as they explained

Sure I could recount all my wrongs as I have done
Which they use as justification
Although thats not how this begun
But blaming victims for the abuse they incurr is not a crime only done to me
Its practically biblical and just sets the stage for more unjust misery

So I'll just acknowledge that the 16th of February is the closest I can recall
To waking up to a nightmare from which I cant escape at all
I'll console myself
Find comfort in the good deeds that Ive done
Remind myself Im not perfect
But stop trying to figure out where this begun
Everybodies days are limited
This could quite likely be my last
And so I hope to make the most of it
By letting go of the past
Retrace my steps to my most fondest memories and recline
In remembrance of a more innocent and enjoyable frame of mind

« Last Edit: February 16, 2017, 01:52:48 AM by Ebony Bree Caple »