Author Topic: Just writing bullshit so I dont focus on the voices  (Read 622 times)

Ebony Zebedee

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Just writing bullshit so I dont focus on the voices
« on: June 15, 2017, 11:58:47 PM »
Started hearin voices in bout 2002
I used to try and write what they were saying
So confused
Slashed my wrists and cut my hair off
Delusional n shit
They been talkin ever since but I handle it better now
Still
Im sick

Travelled round the country feeling at risk
Like they chasin me
Wasn’t aware of all the tricks
I knew that in some cultures its believed that you can hear
What a person saying even if they nowhere near

To be really honest I first heard a voice when I was 12
They said “I feel like Im talkin to someone overseas”
I was compelled
To wish a wish I now regret as its happened to come true
Wishing there was something wrong with me
Now there is
I was abused

But it wasnt really till I was 19
That I’d lay awake of a night hearing constant commentary
Then it developed into visuals
Seeing people who werent there
Sometimes it felt magical
Other times it left me scared
Told my boyfriend I wanted counselling
He didnt want me to go
Said they’d tell me to leave him
So I just stayed with him n got stoned

I told my other man I was hearing voices when I went to visit him in jail
He smiled
I ended up leaving him
Another relationship that failed

23 and high on speed I went to sleep with a guy
Woke up to abuse
Tried to run n hide
That’s when the paranoia really kicked in
Voices tellin me to hang myself
Disbelieving everything

Started seeing blue and red flashing lights
One night while I praying I opened my eyes and with great fright
Saw the red hue of a face in the dark of my bedroom
I asked who it was
And its said “God” with a deep boom

Thats when the tactile hallucinations started
Promising myself to the heavenly Father
I thought these devils were gonna kill me
I thought my mum was setting me up
The voices said I’d need a burqa
I just listened in disgust

Dreamed I was water tortured by two men
Really friggin vivid
Disassociated from all my friends
Attacked my mother
Quit my job
Got arrested
Moving round
Never feeling safe
No matter the city or town

Weeks of sleeplessness
Flashlights flashing behind closed eyes
Threats and accusations constantly running through my mind
Thinking someone spiked my food or weed or wine
Lost jobs
Made bad impressions
Ended up homeless everytime

2010 was the worst year
Hallucinated Ice Cube visiting himself upon me
I felt no fear
I just said “No. You’re married”
He told me to shut up.
He was thinkin bad thoughts of me but I couldnt get enough
I remember he had an afro
But next I saw him in real life
He had a shaven head
So it must of been my mind
But I was scared everynight thinkin I was bein attacked in my sleep
So I’d try to feel protection by imagining holding him

Ended up homeless again
Going insane over the sensations I could feel
I thought it was flashbacks of abuse
All I know is felt real
Sometimes it’d feel good
I didn’t realize I was ill
I believed I was feeling peoples thoughts
Just kept skitzin out
Couldn’t chill

Was diagnosed after threatening suicide
Stopped takin my medication after a while
Didn’t like how it made feel depressed
But eventually I relapsed and ended up a total mess

Homeless again
The hallucinations driving me insane
Put my self at risk by attacking others in my way
Ended up in hospital
Took a while to recover
Needed somewhere safe to live so I rang my mother

Lost the plot cos I stopped taking my meds
Hallucinated Ice Cube and WC
I was so scared that I begged
I just kept sayin sorry
Ice Cube had a jokers grin
WC was rappin death threats
I felt unsafe in my skin

Ended up homeless once again
Moved into a place of my own
Constant paranoia
Probably cos I was stoned
But I kept stressing cos the place I lived was violent n loud
Some cunt said he was a biker n tried to get me to do porn for two thou

Ended up livin at my dads
Crazy everyday
Talkin to myself all brazen n deranged
Dad kicked me out one night cos I was talkin to myself
I ended up relapsing and homeless again
Now Ive got my own house

Voices still talkin to me
Occassional tactile feelings too
Sometimes it feels beautiful
Like a compensation for abuse
Ive woke to injuries but have no memory to remind
All ive really got is this fractured sense of time
Fleeting peace of mind
Memories that dont make sense
And Im always friggin tired

Feelin like people interferring with me in my sleep
I barricade the door
But that doesnt give me peace
Kids do this in college
They think its just a joke
Ive given up
Dont even look for the company I might find in a bloke

Just try not to totally succumb to the paranoia and the fear
Constantly doubting that im safe
Repeatedly made aware that theres somethin to fear
Sure I could recount all the times Ive been abused
Even the people that are sposed to help are corrupt
So whats the use

Just gon try to keep my mind distracted till Im calm
Could really care less bout impressing others
Im too alarmed
That the same people meant to make me feel at ease
Are just as corrupt as the muthafuckas that do evil as they please

Nothing really left to depend on
My perception isnt clear
So I just try to make the best of a bad situation
Theres plenty to fear
My anxiety and confidence are unstable so I resign
All I really know is that up untill now I have survived