How many?

[Ebony Zebedee]

Its quit possible individuals who its assumed I would support
Are the same people who would use me due to a different train of thought
Its probable that those quite close to me are intent on my demise
I haven’t forgotten all the times they manipulated my fractured mind
Its inevitable that one day I’ll come to find the truth
And one of many possibilities is that I am right about abuse
I already know that you can be abused and have no proof
No wonder this always feels familiar
I have no idea what Im sposed to do
I can run cos there’s no where to go
I cant hide
They’re everywhere
There’s people lined up round the corner hoping to get a share
I hear these horrifying, blood curdling, screams within my mind
I am living evidence of the fact that they can always justify
The evil
The torture
The corruption
Sin and pain
They dont have to exuse themselves
There’s no need to explain
And there’s a market for their terror
There’s a cornerstone in the world
Where your detriment is an asset
It provokes my mind to swirl
In millions of different directions trying to figure out whats next
Is it him or her or they or them
Is it this or that
What to expect
My immediate reaction to the fear that it inspires
Is to go over all my infractions and crimes
Knowing good and well that in terms of disrespect
Many are not granted consideration regardless of regret
Then I remember how I was abused before I acted out
Thats where it gets confusing
Like maybe thats not what this is about
Its not about revenge or mercy
Its about power, money, pride
Its about manipulating people to your advantage to provide
Cos I can rationalize
There’s nothing to be gained from me unless
You feel provoked to degrade me
My downfall could be a test
Someone could make their bones with me
Confirmation
Or a cell
Someone could be fixated on ensuring me a living hell
Because they’re bent
Out of shape
Twisted
Deranged and pure
Pure muthafuckin evil
To them the torment is a cure
Criminally insane
Thwarted by their lust
Decieved by devilment to the point that pains a must
So its time to reinforce positives
Make the most of the present day
Knowing with such reluctance that’s its quite foolish to be brave
Everybody’s days are numbered
Some meet an early grave
And at times that seems like mercy considering all the variables I weigh
I no longer try to coddle my insecurity with hope
I just face facts
Bad things happen all the time to real good folks
And even though they good they’re still despised
So I hope to not to be shocked, dumbfounded or suprised
I hope to have at least a little bit of pride
Confront my fears with wisdom
Feel strong and visualize
A future where even if my worst fears come to life
There’ll be some kind of justice
That there’s a win for those who fight
Ive just resigned from my society
As I feel so overwhelmed
Im making the most of my reality by reclining when Im well
Trivial pursuits that give me a sense of fulfillment and peace of mind
Of course they deem it worthless
But look at what they all desire
I too feel that they’re wasting what to me is precious time
You could work towards solutions
But it seems that they’re inspired
Negatives can be useful
Just gotta cross em out
Then you get a positive
Try it
Without a doubt
I do it
By my agenda differs from those who see
Corruption as a rule to be adhered to to stay free

[Ebony Zebedee]

Everybody is dependent on something
Its true as the blue sky
Even those who profit from abuse are dependent on the child
The offspring of a man who fathered a microscopic seed
Who now lingers on in limbo
Who cant escape the scene
Who is seen as a commodity
His abuser values him as a source
Of profit and power and progress
Holds him hostage employing force
He’s a provider
Therefore the abuser is dependent on his life
Even if its just a means of revenue
He’s kept alive
The average joe is dependent on his rights being upheld
If it weren’t for the compassion of others his life would be a living hell
The countless victims in this greedy world are dependent on humanitarian aid
The richest are dependent on their customers who blindly pay their wage
The prostitutes are dependent on the johns
The white collar community are blind to the fact that they’re dependent on
The same system that provides my standard of living invested in through tax
But they’ll try to blame and shame me in their heartless attempts to attack
Begrudging me the same mercy that they’ll possibly to need to access should they find
Themselves unable to perform the necessary tasks needed to provide
The cops are actually dependant on the same crime they police
Criminals need corrupt cops to push their product on the streets
Hitmen are dependent on a target
Doctors depend on our ill health
Poets are dependent on inspiration
Gamblers depend on the cards dealt
We depend on governments and legislation that shape society
Our entire world is dependent on impropriety
Our self image is dependent on the values that we choose
Some feel fucking worthless unless they have expensive shoes
White privilege is dependent on oppression of other folks
Denial is dependent on taking honesty as a joke
Everyones dependent wether they acknowledge it or not
At times the realization keeps me riveted in one spot
Cos its likely there are people who will say I depend on them
And with that sense of provision Im sposed to bend
Im sposed to see the activities of people unaffected by disease
As more valuable than the welfare I recieve
We’re dependant on the infrastructure our taxes fund and I pay too
Im taxed everytime I pay for something I consume
In fact welfare can be seen as an investment in economy
Its just a circular cycle
I give back just as much as they give me
Dependence is used like a dirty word
But tell me then
Tell me who
Who the fuck is 100% independent in this life
Is it you?
Are you totally self reliant
You depend on nothing but yourself
Does that provoke you to look down on those who need a customer to sell
I highly doubt your inability to see that you too depend
As a justification for your lack of compassion for those of us unable to make ends


 

[Ebony Zebedee]

At times I worry Ive put people at risk
I told my dad and he mocked me with a hiss
With malice he laughed in my face as I sat there so confused
He said “And you actually thought we were being abused”
I try to fight this sense of evil that pervades me when Im ill
Seems sometimes there's no escape
So hard to fuckin chill
Then I lose my grasp on reality
As fragile as it is
How the fuck am I to have some hope in a world where people torture kids
Basically Im paranoid
Relapse
Once again
Im forced to re evaluate those who pose as if they’re friends
Or family
Such infamy in terms of my bloodline
I kinda wish my cousin was bein honest when he said Im not my fathers child
He said “You’re not even a Caple. You’re spanish”
I screamed back
Then I did a little research
The Berbers were as far back as I tracked
I romanticized a lineage of warriors
But really cant invest
Have no idea who the fuck I am
Really should give this shit a rest
Im just Ebony wishin for heavenly mercy from the Most High up above
I tried to embrace my English roots on my maternal side outta love
Like I love the mysticism of practicing magik
But I gave up
I guesse Im just not consistent
Couldn’t really give a fuck
I feel this energy around me
Dont need to perform any kinda rites
At times within psychosis I feel supernatural rather than fright
I try to be realistic
The experience can be just like a dream
Amazed at what my mind can produce that others cant hear or see
Sure they’ll see it as a weakness
Im usually always on high alert
Doesn’t prevent me from expressing myself or getting hurt
Ive seen people vanish before my eyes
Ive felt a spiritual caress
Ive heard music, lyrics, angels, deamons
Ive felt both afflicted and truly blessed
Just gotta make it another 24 is what I say
Sometimes its just the night I need to survive to see the day
I can dwell on all the negatives but thats just a waste of time
It doesnt inspire me to find solutions but it good to express whats on my mind
Wouldnt be suprised if all my words were used to abuse
Wouldnt faze me in the slightest if thats the whole point of this ruse
Im simply not invested in anything no more
I had a wild time in my heyday
Now they see me as a bore
I have no desire to entertain or be mocked or ridiculed
Im not waiting to be appreciated
Sometimes I like being a fool
It feels homely just being a goofball and takin the piss out of myself
I know I could come across as morbid or annoying to someone else
Im not trying to live up to a fantasy or keep up with current trend
Im not inclined to try and be fashionable
Im not concerned with having friends
Im really actually quite content just on my patent lil malone
I feel blessed to have the dignity of being able to provide myself a home
Im seriously greatful for my current situation having had less
But that doesnt make feel in any way ambitious
Im aware that many see poverty as a stain and look down upon
But I dont take their cruelness into account
To them I dont belong
Truly
The feelings mutual
I dont wanna associate with that kind
Who are obsessed with mean spirited nastiness
I dont look at them and admire
I see the realness of my reality
The raw, unfiltered truth
And it satisfies me immensely
I no longer look for proof
True they drop their hints at times
I figure they tryin to get a rise
Im trying not to let people determine how I’ll react to all their senseless crimes
Cant save the world
Cant save the girl
But I can save some precious time
By using it in a way that to me seems truly wise
I mean if anything can be used against me to abuse
Then it doesnt actually matter what the fuck I do

[Ebony Zebedee]

Such ill intent from those who pose as innocents and allies
Don’t trust fucking anyone girl
For real
I never lied
They took they mask off infront of you
Showed they use disguise
Stop reaching out to devils if you have any fucking pride
And maybe baby one day you will see that’s all you’ve got
That lil bit of integrity you’ve mustered from the rot
Stop steeping in neglect and regret
Try to love yourself
It may be the only love you know one day
Please value your good health
Stop allowing others to decieve you
You know truth
Stop waiting for confirmation
Make the most of now
Heres proof
You’ve seen it all depicted which instills that it exists
And you’ve managed to decipher all the little hints they give
They show what they are capable of
They’ve used you more than once
Empty promises and manipulation treating you like a dunce
That sick feelin in your stomachs pit is intuition
Listen
Feel
Stop reverting back to gullibility
Im telling you
Its real
They seriously have mal intent
Theyre driven by such hate
And greed so petty and debase
Just make the most of what you have
A truly successful man
Is one who rises and falls asleep doing all he feels he can
You’ll never satisfy them
They are insatiable
They’re plotting your demise right as we speak
So ungreatful
Cos even though they’ve more than you
Nothings good enough
More is all they think about
They covet superficial stuff
And you’ve got an advantage they could capitalize on
Just as they capitalize on your pain
So please girl
Be very cautious
Try to prevent the inevitability of pain

[Ebony Zebedee]

Ive have lived experience of being consumed with hate
Drove me to to livid and vivid vicious attacks against others who chose to bait
They were sneaky and conniving
They were trying to confuse
So Ive lashed out at them physically or verbally
But I cant excuse
Although I was provoked
I cant seem to justify
Threatening to burn some cunt alive
Even though they lied
I cant explain it very well
Other than feeling possessed
Obsessed
Controlled
By emotion and a desire to seek revenge
I felt so cold
I felt a heightened sensitivity toward abuse and lies
Due to abuse I felt compelled
So hard to describe
I was overcome with a sense of rage
Appalled
Never satisfied
Just seething with resentment
No fear
Till I arrived
At this point of true awareness where it hits home for me
The facts
I’ll never be able to beat them all or defend against revenge attacks
My methods were so simple
I didn’t plot or plan
I just reacted instinctually
King hit a fucking grown man
Threatened to stab others
Picked up bottles, bricks & scissors
Raised my hand
Not realizing the potential consequences
The cunts are evil
I’ll be damned
You think I’d try and excuse myself
I have reasons
Aint worth shit
Cos these muthaz are fuckin vicious
They thrive on being sick
And the only way I can relate is that I reacted to feeling wronged
But in terms of conscious action
Even though back then I felt strong
I can see how I let my guard down
I succumbed to idiocy due to pride
I don’t value violence or aggression
I don’t want people so scared they try to hide
I don’t wanna stand over or demean anyone
I don’t wanna get around acting staunch
I don’t wanna reminisce about being crazy like its one of my old haunts
I don’t wanna excuse abuse
Don’t wanna destroy them or deprive
I don’t wanna relive the episodes although at times I felt alive

[mad-zen]

GREATSTUFFING EMOLIOR.