Author Topic: For My Stalkers - Psychological Warfare  (Read 3079 times)

Ebony The Enemy

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For My Stalkers - Psychological Warfare
« on: November 27, 2018, 06:08:18 PM »
So apparently I'm an idiot for being corrupted by others.
Apparently the victim is to blame for the abuse they incur.
Apparently corrupting everything in sight is the measure of intelligence.

My dumb devices (all of them) have been tapped and none of my internet activity is safe or legit. My phones been tapped since I was at least 21 despite some peoples efforts to convince others I set myself up when I was 26. I'm posting an old journal to just put everything out there in the open. I lie in my journal even though it's sposed to be honest. It slowly receeds from trying to cope into a void of despair. Some of it is honest, insightful, discerning and some of it is me making light of negative situations. If you're bored, feel free to read.




01/06/2016
So Iím told that keeping a journal may help alleviate symptoms and/or cope.
Normally I dismiss suggestions that seem a bit airy fairy but so far I havenít been able to manage my illness effectively so Iím trying these techniques in hope I wont relapse or if I do it wont be as severe as in the past.
Some of the workshops I'm doing donít seem very professional, more so a place to discuss day to day activities rather than delve into coping strategies, and I'm unsure as to how Iím supposed to benefit. I could self research on the web though.
Iím dealing with a lot of exhaustion of late. Iím not sure if this is another negative symptom, many of which I experience, such as disinterest, isolation, low mood etc. Or maybe my mind is not used to being as active as I have been of late. In reality Iím quite inactive, but the little I do is leaps and bounds beyond anything Iíve done in the last 5 years.
My self esteem is quite low also. I feel stupid, naÔve, ugly, incompetent, old, among other things and I feel Iím being realistic but everyone says Iím being self conscious and disagree with me. But I know people say nice things to placate you. They mean well but I prefer someone criticize me honestly than stroke my ego with false flattery.
Anyway. Iíll see if I can keep this journal thing going and maybe benefit from it to some degree.

03/06/2016
Well to my surprise I was told by the duty lawyer that my case was discontinued. She didnít say why but I was really surprised. Foolishly had a few beers to celebrate and got angry about the leniancy shown to me that isnít shown to others. Infact the reverse is notoriously applied to others who like myself suffer extenuating circumstances which affect their reasoning and contribute to their running afoul of the law. Sure im greatful for my getting off on the charges but I donít appreciate ďprivilegeĒ. It makes me feel guilty and just adds to the sense of outrage I feel at inconsistencies and prejudice prevalent in society. The fact is I pulled a knife on an officer. When he arrested me he asked for my name and I said Caple. He said Daple. I said Caple C-A-P-L-E. He said Daple and wrote it down. I said ďFuck it. Call me ebony date rapeĒ but he just took me to the watch house and followed procedure.
I wont carry on cos even when I speak from personal experience  (many experiences) which have proven to me that my being white is cause for a leniant approach in the law compared to my koori friends I feel like im still being disrespectful cos im referring to other cultures and I donít like speaking on behalf of other people. I donít see how my pointing out these well known occurences or validating them helps the situation any. My mother and even in my youth the police would blame my friends of colour for my behaviour. That makes me feel guilty too. No one ever forced me to break the law. I never experienced peer pressure or was coerced. Even when I was following the crowd I acted of my own volition and have always corrected people that it was my responsibility. Now that Iíve grown and moved away from my hometown and am not influenced by anybody I think others can see that it is my own lack of reasoning and self discipline that leads to my behaviour.
Had a talk with Armah tonight and he said maybe it is Westerners concern about maintaining their own welfare systems that makes them apprehensive to contribute to humanitarian causes in Africa or other countries where poverty is so widespread. I told him that we value trivial conveniences more so than charity and invest in our own luxury and comfort rather than humanity. We live independent of each other rather than band together as communities and we are reluctant to invest in a foriegners welfare over the welfare of our own. That the West has a corrupt influence on resource rich countries, not valuing their labors to the same degree we do our own which encourages unfair practice and it is driven by profit. I see how the west could be seen as a haven as we donít experience the same widespread conflict that happens in other countries but I feel after educating myself, as little as I have, that we influence and even encourage conflict in these countries, impacting the political climate to seek access to their resources for less than is fair value. I agree we are fortunate and wish to share that good fortune, but im reluctant to spout utopian ideals of the West and inturn try to speak highly of the abilities of these countries, their wealth, their cultures. I must sound quite ungreatful though. I enjoy my conversations with Armah but I refuse to invest wholeheartedly in an internet friendship due to the many scams I hear about. I love his insight and the discussions we have ranging from dietary advice (he says he is studying nutrition) to political climate, cultural or religious beliefs. Heís always respectful and never fails to encourage me or lead me to a greater understanding of how fortunate I truly am. Hes more intelligent than me and in an ideal world Iíd invest in his furthering his studies but Iím happy just donating my little to the World Food Program.
AnywayÖ Today was a good dayÖ so thanks God and everyone else who made me feel satisfied and fortunate.
 
 06/06/16
I think Iíll just do what makes me feel good and at the moment staying in bed makes me feel good.
I feel really emotional. Breaking down n crying even over nice thoughts. I hate being so fragile knowing ive dealt with so much more stress and persevered in the past. I didnít fall into a heap. I didnít give up. I sought advice or safety. Now im living in my head n theres no escape from myself.
Started thinking bout all the shit ive been through. Just recalling past events and initially I feel angry and foolish for allowing myself to be drawn to negative mind sets and cultures. So much of popular culture is negative or superficial. The alternative is an innocent life but the fact is im not going to be living in such a safe supportive environment for ever. Financially I have to accept whats affordable and that designates me to the same environments where drug abuse and violence are so prevalent. If I let my guard down in those environments im a target. Im a target anyway. Im on my own. Im a woman. Ive got no back up or support. Mum doesnít understand never having lived in that kind of environment.  I can limit the potential risks by being vigilant, not socialising, not smoking weed but I cant handle the behaviours, the violence, the noise and stress.
I donít know what to do and im worried im gonna end up on the street.

Total change in attitude today. Feel blessed. Had a sensual dream n it was naughty as all fuck. Woke up in the mood then was like ďIíd never be that freaky in real lifeĒ so just savoured the feeling.
Feeling positive like if I just employ reason and enthusiasm rather than self pity and delusion Iíll be able to achieve something. Even if I get unwell again or something bad happens, if I put the groundwork in rather than give up n not try Iíll at least have a positive experience to reflect on that will comfort me. I know positive self talk. I know how easy it is to be negative.  I know the power of positive thoughts. Iíve become a bit strange in that sometimes I feel comfort crying. I havent talked about my problems much due to fear of judgement. I donít trust my peers not to ridicule or take advantage of my weaknesses. At times I feel like Iíve grown so much due to exposure to different trains of thought. I used to feel guilty A LOT for past actions then I find myself humbled and appreciated to discover that others arenít holding grudges. I donít wanna be some gullible fool who thinks nobody will ever do me wrong and more often than not those that hinder me are those I place the most trust in. This deters me from being open with people and quite often I judge innocent people based on the actions of those who have harmed me. Im an extreme person. Like walking around for 9 n a half years fearful of being intimate based on one mans actions that left me totally insecure. I felt accepted when I had an affair last year but when he took advantage of my generosity I went straight back to being dismissive of all potential relationships. Sometimes I think if I could just have a purely physical relationship then I wont get caught up in all the tiresome plays on emotion. Realistically I cant see somebody being able to handle my moods or staying around when I become ill. I donít wanna accept me when im like that. But morally I wanna invest in a relationship. So I choose celibacy even though I value intimacy so highly. AnywayÖ just glad I donít feel as negative as the last few daysÖ got a lot of thinking to do. Sometimes I think I think too much and waste opportunities being so indecisive or insecure.
10/06/16
I remember being in the NT. I was on the show run n we were driving to Badoori (cant remember how to spell it) and my boss told me there was a thing called the min min light that shines in the distance and people follow it and get lost. We went to their friends place which was a prison farm. They slept in the house n I slept in the truck. The prison farm guy asked me did I want to sleep in one of the cellsÖ I said no way!!! I went to sleep one night n dreamed there was this pregnant aboriginal lady dressed in a torn dress, big belly and torn apron and we were running through the bush. We running so fast like we trying to get away. Then I get the idea she doesn't want me to follow her and I stopped dead in my tracks. As soon as my feet stopped, bang, I woke up!!! I hope that lady got away. They told me the prisoners built a shack in the bush n I went to look for it. It was just a wooden shack with an enamel mug in there on a bench.
I did my washing n accidently left my blue velvet g string on the washing line. I keep wondering if they had the sense to take it off the line before the prison opened again.
We went to a ringer band playing at the show and this old aboriginal man walked up, put out his hand and asked ďmay I have this danceĒ I was delighted and he took off his coat and I took it off him and asked my boss and his friends to hold it and they all refused. I was so angry. The old man said not to worry and hung it over a forty gallon drum and we walked out to the dust and he started dancing and I tried to copy him. When we finished dancing he took my hand and kissed it and said thank you. My first dance with a man. He musta been about 70.
 I left my boss early next mornin and took a job with the showies.

10/06/16
13/06/16
Im at a loss as to how I can reach more people. Ive spent the last few days trying to raise awareness about the situation of refugees in Kakuma Refugee Camp. I donít even want to write in my diary. Maybe if I pray on it I will get another idea. I will mention it to one of the employees at Graceville and see if they can get the Lutheran Church intrest.


15/06/16
Had the most powerful dream last night after talking to Peter. I fell asleep about 8pm and dreamed a man was with me but I couldnít see him. I dreamed he was in my bed and he had me on my hands n  knees and bought me so much pleasure. In my mind I begged for more and he gave it to me. I thought I was half awake but couldnít wake up fully. Then he cradles me and rocks the beds like a pram pushing the whole bed backwards and forwards across the floor n I was a little bit dizzy. Then my phone starts playing the radio and the voices on the radio became very distinct and I became anxious and got scared. Then I woke up so wet. I thought just feeling that pleasure in the mind is enough for me. Like I couldnít risk getting hurt in real life.
My support worker gave me information for a refugee advocate group on the Sunshine Coast so I emailed them about what Iím trying to do for Kakuma. I read on their website that there having a rally for Refugee Week in Brisbane on Saturday so im going to go and see if I can gain some insight.
Went to my hearing voices group and they said rather than focusing on the end result, which I find daunting, I should just focus on the steps Iím taking at the moment.
Called Sebit and he said he loves me and I say it back. But I donít think I want to be anything more than a friend. His present behaviours are in opposition to the plans im trying to make and theyíre old behaviours for me which impact negatively on my mental health and general direction of my life. I feel like I want to remain in contact cos hes the only man ive been intimate with in 10 years but weíre not compatible in many other respects. His cousin Peter who I spoke to povided very stimulating advice and conversation so its nice to be in contact with people.
Having a great week so far.
06/07/2016
Been a while since I wrote anything.
Last I wrote I was thinking bout Kakuma Refugee Camp and trying to petition ppl but didnít get much response.
My sleeps been all over the place the last few weeks, sometimes awake till 3 in the morning and then sleeping for 12 or more hours cos of the medication. Thatís if I sleep at all. Donít sleep for days sometimes and have to take extra meds. Been talking to sebit n the more I think bout it the more I realise im disrespecting myself by putting up with him. He curse at me and ask for money and carries on drunk and I remember someone telling me that if u let a man disrespect you he will keep doing it. Im just caught up cos hes the last guy I was with and im too lazy to actively pursue new relationships. I think Iíll try n be a bit more self aware and avoid his calls for a while. Im a soft touch but sensibly I know hes just using me so im better off not associating.
Been stressing bout where im gonna move to. Needs to be affordable and the coast is so expensive but coffs is too high risk and that pretty much leaves hicksville gympie which im familiar with but it doesnít have as many services available there. Its affordable tho and I donít go out much anyway and id just be happy to have my own place, safe, that I can afford and im familiar with. Im pretty lucky. Ive got a stable environment at the moment and Iíve got support to look for a new place when its time so im genuinely blessed really. I been moving about so frequently the last 10 years. 6 months here, a year there. Im just feeling good having assurity for 12 months where its not violent and im comfortable. Im relatively sane at the moment too so im just relaxing enjoying being stable and hoping it lasts.
Not much to talk about.
31/07/2016
Im a fool.
I know he no good. I know im wasting my own damn time. But I donít wanna know nobody else. Ive barely got time for him. I offer to give him things I realistically cant afford with no thought or expectations of return. But I like that ive been intimate with him and donít wanna have a series of affairs with other people in the hope of meeting someone more compatible. I donít want passion or romance or long winded proffessions of endearment.  I like it simple and basic and straight forward.
I donít know.
Society standards dictate im being easy. That im selling myself short. That I should want more. Im so satisfied with such simple things. But no, I donít appreciate the nonchalant disrespect. And yes I can, as ive done before, just dismiss him and go without any kind of interaction with the opposite sex. Im not whipped. To be honest, I ddonít hold him in high esteem. Hes good looking but hes attitude is ugly.
I feel like im just disrespecting myself by entertaining him. Then I think I should lighten up. Its not that serious. Just phone calls. I donít have the energy to pursue a serious relationship. Im not that invested. I donít wanna be all that or try n keep up appearances. I like bein cheeky with him.
He just called. I told him I cant help him n more. Hes cool. I tell him all the time, sober up, find a good woman. He tell me, find a man. I donít know. It is what it is.
31/07/2016
Now im fucking crying. Howíd I let myself become so depressed? I know I gotta try harder than others might cos of the side effects of the medication. I donít have aspirations anymore. I donít get excited. Im passionate about my humanitarian efforts but they are very little and I can do most of that by utilizing my love for the word. When it comes to personal goals all I want is a stable residence. Im sick of moving all the time. And im sick of ending up in high stress environments that impact on my mental health. That just leads to further instability.  Hospital for months. Psychosis for months. I donít know. Im too bloody sensitive. Ive dealt with worse shit and didnít let it overcome me. Now just the slightest provocation and im retreating to my bed for days and weeks.
I think my mind is seriously addled. Not just the schizophrenia but the anxiety and depression.  The lack of initiative and motivation. The lack of energy. The constant deliberation over such simple tasks. Simple plans that keep me awake. The medication impacting my quality of life. Missing the crazy feeling sometimes cos it was stimulating and energetic.
Ok.
Thatís my whinge for the month. This diary thing is bullshit. I need to actually make a friend.

28/11/2016
11:16pm
Im 2 months and 5 days late. I havenít had a period since my birthday.
Apparently itís a side effect of the medication.
I fucking hate this shit. Always makes me think I could have been interferred with and not know it and might be pregnant. Ive been on this medication for 4 years and they didnít tell me about any of these side effects when they put me on it. I said that to the case worker and she said they tend to talk of the positives rather than the negatives. I think thatís unethical. I donít trust the system or practitioners or anyone. My dad said he will pick me up so I can grab my stuff I need to move to my new place with but I hate going to their house. I hate them. I hate the house. Its just a negative experience.  I donít trust them either. I am happy Iíve secured my own premises but am scared about my safety. Im givjng up smoking because the rent is so expensive and I really need more money. Plus I hate the taste and smell. I cant sleep so ive taken medication tonight. Waiting fof the sedating effect to take hold. Anyway. Last entry. My subscription to word is about to run out so im just trying to distract myself while I wait to feel tired. I keep having nightmares. Like every night. In sOme of them my dad rapes me in some of them my mum sells me as a sex slave. She actually pointed to a window with a sign on it that said sex slave in one dream. I havent been having the paranoia of getting kidnapped lately but being chased features a lot in my nightmares. I think Iíll just stick to reading and keeping to myself because whenever I interact with people I become paranoid. Anyway, other than that, I guesse Im fine. Just worried about the future, financial security, physical safety, mental stability and trying to remain stable independently.

Still think this journal shit sucks so im glad im not gonna have this app anymore.
Kinda fucked up that you need internet to have word program. Anyone can access your shit. So theres no reason not to post it all over the web. Anyway. Fuck this. Thanks god for securing my accommodation.  Must have been a miracle cos I cant think of a good reason why they approved me. They didnít even check my references. Now im thinking its all a big fucking conspiracy. Even when I got approved, the excitement lasted a few hours then I started stressing over every possible thing that could go wrong.
Sort of looking forward to christmas. Not really, just sort of. Kinda mixed up bout everything.
Did unconscious bias training today. That was interesting. But it was more aimed at bias in the workplace. Was facilitated by the discrimination council of queensland.
Anyway. Starting to feel tired now. Thank god. Hopefully no nightmares tonight. I donít usually dream when I take meds.

07/01/2017 1:20am
So I havenít written since last year. Ive moved into my new place and Im beyond satisfied. I want for nothing. As long as Im disciplined I can afford everything I need so thatís awesome. I wanna give up smoking cos after rent Ive got about 250 for food, utilities and other expenses and smoking chews up a lot of money. I love smoking but hate many aspects of it. Basically I just want the extra money. I donít even wanna leave the house except to do shopping and Im fine with this but society says, as do people in my life, that I should participate. To be honest I really donít want to but Im not ruling it out entirely. I use social media too much which results in high phone bills so am trying to curb the habit. That said, I really enjoy it. I like that I can hone in on issues Im passionate about without actually having to risk my welfare. I can disengage when I become stressed. Am really happy atm. Tried online dating cos I wanted some physical affection but that turned out to be dangerous so am satisfied to stay single. Pretty much just content in my own little world which is something I havenít been able to say in a long time.

Thanks god.

17th January 2017

So Im trippin.
Im sposed to waking up at 4am to catch the 5 oíclock train to the airport but that would be predicated on sleeping which so far alludes me.
Peter bought me a ticket to Newcastle for a weeks visit and every possible worse case scenario is running through my mind.
Kidnap. Rape. Murder.
I was all jovial this afternoon when we made plans and Im laying in bed bout 9:30pm and then I remembered Sebit saying to me ďYouíre my slave nowĒ
Of course I corrected Sebit when he said this and have never dwelled on it since we agreed I am just his friend but it came back to me tonight which led to all kinds of disastrous thoughts.
If I was as anxious and paranoid as I used to be I would think up an excuse not to go but I wanna fight the paranoia by stepping outside my comfort zone and challenging it.
Im not going to have any kind of life if I just stay home all day every day refusing to talk with or meet with people.
That said, meeting someone youíve only talked to on the phone, even if theyíre related to someone you know seems a bit risky.
If I donít go Iíll regret it and feel guilty and if I do go Im risking a potential reality that I donít want to eventuate or Iíll have a pleasant trip and be confident in my decision making.
I hate being crazy.
Looks like Im just gonna stay up all night and hopefully Peter will be ok if we just chill tomorrow so I can relax and enjoy the rest of the week. If thatís actually possible.

20th January 2017
Me and Peter slept together last night. I was feeling so embarrassed cos he is a passionate lover and I couldnít meet his enthusiasm or energy. He didnít say anything to make me feel bad Im just real self conscious. He was freaky and Im more simple. He was whispering in my ear Ďcome for me babyí and saying he didnít want to want to come until I did but I told him I didnít have to and that no one has ever said that to me before. He felt good and we were doing it for bout an hour or more. He had this lil toy that tickeles your clit but I told him I didnít like it. He was trying to please me, and I loved his kisses all over my neck and breast. He was very attentive. I felt like I wasnít pleasing him enough but Im just plain and simple. I donít feel all consumed with loving thoughts but I do feel very comfortable. I donít feel awkward today at all. Im very sore though. Even just doing is missionary hurts my inner thighs cos Im so inactive. But he was doin it from behind and I was getting these throes of intense pleasure and involuntarily making some weird noises. Im hoping the other guyís didnít hear cos I got a bit loud. We did it again this morning and it was still good but it was like it was good one second then very painful the next because my pussy just not used to the action. All in all it was an intense experience and I donít regret it. But I am feeling a little guilty because hes Sebits cousin and I feel like itís a disrespect to be with the family member of an ex.

22nd January 2017
So I feel shame. When I have sex with Peter it feels awesome but its painful too. Heís big and even though Im not exactly small it hurts and I make all these crazy noises. I told him I was Embarrassed and he said the noises satisfy him but I know the boys can hear me. Peters kids are gonna be here tonight and if we are with each other I wanna keep quiet. I like it when he hits it hard but deep in my gut I get this ache and I end up yelling out. Hes so expert at bringing me pleasure and hes doing all the work. He said he likes a girl to take charge and I said I like a man in control. I donít have the strength to keep up with him. He ends up drenched in sweat. He said he can control if he comes and he could do it for hours but my pussy to sore after an hour. We used lubricant and thatís ok. I just donít know how to please him as much as he pleasing me. I kinda feel real insecure. But I want him as a lover.


26th January 2017
I wish I could just get pregnant.
Had Peter for 2 days then got my period.
I rekon Peter knows all the right things to say but heís a player. He canít help but let his crafty side show through sometimes.
I donít think Im all sweet and innocent. Ive been around. But I could quite easily be taken advantage of if I didnít keep my guard up. Im open and honest but I donít tell people my doubts at all times because I donít want to be lied to. I can accept a man runnin game to a certain extent but I cant just fall blindly and Peters words and actions donít match up. Maybe its best I didnít get pregnant. I could imagine him sweet talking me down there only for shit to blow up in my face and I wouldnít be able to handle it. He revealed himself then went back to being the perfect host. He has a dark side and I cant deal with that shady shit. He lives a rougher life than me and although that can be entertaining it is also detrimental to stability and quality of life. I appreciate the affair and all I can think is I wish he got me pregnant but I just going to have to trust in God that what has happened is the way things are supposed to be.

28th January 2017
Whats the point in having sex if you cant have babies. Sure it feels good and I enjoy being intimate with a man but thereís too many risks associated with promiscuity. I feel great being affectionate with a man and pleasing him but Im so used to men trying to take advantage, abusing me mentally or physically or financially that I just cant commit to the idea of a relationship. Im not prepared to be that vulnerable. Im not prepared to risk my welfare or stability. I know I can provide a comfortable and safe life for myself but if I invite another man or give my self to a man then I am potentially giving away that security. Iíd rather be single. I remember distinctly at the age of 8 sitting in the lounge room wishing I could have babies but no daddy. I thought the hardest thing was trying to get rid of the daddy. Turns out Iíll never have that problem. Still, I told Peter I donít want to be his girl and he called me and heís cool. I loved his attitude for the most part but I still felt like in order to make it work with him Iíd have to give some things up and that makes me feel insecure. Like Iíd have to invest trust which can be broken and could leave me devestated. Itís all good though. He said I didnít have to explain myself and Im glad I didnít resort to accusing him of anything. This way, if we keep in contact we can be friends rather than get caught up in trying to deal with dissapointments or emotions.

30th January 2017
Im so crazy. I know Im not pregnant cos I got my period but they were shorter than usual and lighter than usual so I cling to this vain hope that I could be. I do this everytime Im with a man and Ive never fallen pregnant. Its for the best. Even though Peter is great with his kids, like fun and attentive he is not the most responsible type so at least I wouldnít be bringing a child into a unhealthy environment. I blocked and deleted Peters numbers today. Alex too. I know heís talking shit to me and donít feel I am respecting myself if I entertain him. Im open, honest, I speak freely with people and I get a manipulative and immature vibe from him. He has great qualities and nobody is perfect but I knew even when I was down there that weíre not compatible. Talking to him before I went down there I thought he was great. Intelligent, considerate, mature, safe. Upon meeting him and seeing the way he lives Im not very impressed. I donít have much but Im particular. Ive stayed with men who donít take me seriously or resort to immaturity and it never works. Im a basket case too. Ive got so many insecurities but Iíd rather be a stickler for details than be casual and end up in an abusive relationship. I hope to become more serious about all issues Im passionate about and in particular about what I will and will not permit. Iíll never meet someone Ive just talked to over the phone again. Its too risky. Anything could have happened. I could have been abused or anything. I have a habit of throwing caution to the wind after allowing people to convince me of their supposed intentions even when Im really reluctant. I compare my anxiety to others carefree nature and feel Im being uptight. But uptight has kept me safe. I donít ever wanna wake up to abuse or feeling trapped again and only Ive got my best interests at heart so Im intent on protecting myself especially now that it seems debase fuckery and deception seem to be everybodyís agenda. I remember Alex whispering something to me the second night as he walked past and it sounded like ďyouíre dead, you just donít know itĒ then Peter saying something to me when he laid down about meeting people on the internet. I ignored Alex and told Peter Iíd never met anyone on the internet before but I recall that now and realize I was in a situation that could have had dire consequences. Iíll forgive myself for being so foolish and I wont confront them Iíll just stick to my decision to no longer have contact with them. I refuse to allow myself to be in another situation like 16th February of 2006. I wont blame all men. Iíll just be prepared as always to be misled and consider my anxiety a blessing as it usually deters me from risky behaviour. There were other instances on my visit that made me realize all was not as Peter made it out to be and I can only thank my lucky stars that I made it home in one piece and have to promise myself never to take that risk again. As I said when I was there, nobody is down for me. I donít have someone whoís got my back like some people do. So to be extra cautious should be my number one priority. I talk all kind and considerate cos Im not a hateful person but I should feel comfortable to express my doubts or feelings of being decieved. The unfortunate thing is that leads to confrontation and I hate it when things get heated or people lie to me and start to argue. I donít need people to admit. I can accept the truth without validation. Im not in the habit of seeking the truth from people who are intent on misleading me. Iíll just accept that I made the wrong decision and pray I donít repeat it in the future.

1st February 2017
Slept for 15 hours. Must just be exhausted from the trip. Went to the telstra shop to get my phone fixed and they couldnít find the serial number in their system so I have to get a copy of the reciept from the Nambour store to have it sent away to be fixed. Still really tired plus its so hot I just feel drained. Texted Peter today to apologize. I feel like an emotional wreck. I donít think I can handle relationships. Too many things to consider. He was nice but he was wasnít too. But then I donít know. I miss the physical side of a relationship. Anyway, exhausting start to the month. Hopefully Iíll feel more energetic tomorrow.

2nd February 2017
Feeling great today. Not tired. Not sickly. In an awesome mood. Loving my freedoms and independence. I think I just got caught up cos I was intimate with someone which doesnít happen often. Ideally Iíd have a purely physical relationship where I donít have to get attached and can just come and go as I please. No weirdos. Just someone casual. Seriously tho. Thatís probably just as risky as flying to a place Ive never been and meeting someone Ive never met and not having an escape plan. Anyway, Iíll just do my own thing. Please myself. Enjoy my life and fuck anyone who cristicizes my ways.

17th March 2017
Well. I donít know if Im falling ill but Im in a great mood. Went to a womens group today but thought it was odd that thereís usually only about 6 women in the group and today there was 12. Donít know if Iíll go back or not. Anyway having one of those ďI could be pregnant momentsĒ which isnt really disturbing me. The voice in my head is saying Im 2 months pregnant and that this is our 6th child and Iíll be having it in 16 weeks so all in all just a slight nuisance that sometimes makes me feel good. I hope itís a boy and we name him Malik Khalil Sadiq. Anyway, Im just layin in bed wide awake thinkin bout everthing under the sun and laughing at the voice in my head who is a complete smart-ass. Looking forward to laying around tomorrow doing nothing all day, eating salad and buttery garlicy cuminy chickpeas with rice. Have no desire to have another affair and am actually glad I no longer talk to peter cos he wasnít exactly 100% with me and I should have trusted my instinct and not visited him. Hope I can just stay celibate which is much easier to deal with and less risky. Yes I still crave intimacy but there are women who go without their entire lives so at least Ive got the gift of knowing good intimacy in my past, as fleeting as it was.

25th March 2017
Well I cant sleep. Its 12:32am and Ive been trying to sleep since 9pm.
Anyway, thought Iíd come back to my journal so I donít waste anymore data on instagram or twitter.
I went to WRAP today and it was good to talk about coping strategies in a group setting. Was able to pick up a few techniques that I wouldnít have thought of on my own. I been going to Community Focus for 2 weeks now and I like it. Im a bit judgmental though. Some of the people there have more severe disabilities than me and I feel a bit cruel thinking they not the type of people I enjoy associating with. But itís a safe place and thereís one nice lady who volunteers and I have good conversations with her when Im waiting for groups to start. Besides, god knows what people must think of me. But I just feel kinda lame. But whats the alternative? Sitting in my room watching TV not talking with anyone at all?
Anyway, started doing a bit of research into Witchcraft tonight. I wanna find a spiritual path and Im not sold on the major religions but so far Ive learned I can identify with the natural elements of Witchcraft and still acknowledge other religious practices aswell. I donít have to be a strict adherent to any one doctrine and that pleases me immensely. I appreciate aspects of Christianity and Islam and Buddhism and Kemeticism and Wicca and other religions and knowing I can identify as something that is culturally appropriate whilst also being inclusive of other cultural practices brings me joy. I canít see myself actually getting into the magik side of things unless I wish for something like love, but the natural remedies and appreciation of the elements seems nice.
Noticed WC or who ever manages his Facebook page read my messages which are long winded rants about absolute bullshit and Im embarrassed I send him this shit but Im sort of a fan and even if I try and block him to try not to send anymore I end up unblocking him and sending another one. At least Im a nobody of no kind of significance so I donít really have to worry about it going public.
Trying not to spend any money till payday cos when last months phone bill come through Im gon be trying to make dollars outta cents.
Think Iíll just go back to twitter now.


June 18th 2017

Hey ya poxed up mutt
I feel lIke slashinG my wrists again
Happy ya fucking paRaSiTe?

July 6th 2017
Im fUcKe uP.seRiouslY. aND tHis aPp is infectEd.
Cant even veNt
I neED a fucking outlet 4 all this shIt oN my mInd

SaTurday 13tH
Howdy slut for guts