Author Topic: If Star Wars Was Set In Essex....  (Read 47 times)

Don Seer

If Star Wars Was Set In Essex....
« on: August 20, 2001, 03:51:47 AM »
If Star Wars Was Set In Essex....

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall,
from Basildon and called Spanner. He'd have the same amount of body hair but
would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably
sport either a West Ham or England top.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Cocker by his
mates. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number
of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing, or urinate
on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of young kids at any time
because of the high risk of being spray painted and/or dumped in front of a
speeding train and/or set on fire.
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Elmit Head' or in moments of stress 'that
dome-edded cunt'.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to
understand anything anyone from Essex said. He would regularly get beaten up
for being a knacker-faced poof from Rayleigh.

The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and
extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a TOT2000 sticker in the back
window and a St. George's Cross SUN SUPPORTS OUR BOYS bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run
very fast when you're wearing 5-inch platform heels and a tiny silver
mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've
been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate
all out attack. Two easy ways would be to alter its orbit so it passed
through Southend, tell the locals it was full of Northern Wankers and leave
it unattended in the Seaway car park. Or you could convert it into a huge

Lines from the film as they would be now uttered in the Essex:-

Han Solo - 'I've got a real bad feeling about this'
Translation: 'Shit, I'm cunt-faced. I think I should go home before I get in
a fight'

'Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around.'
Translation 'Come on you facking bastards, al 'ave the lot of yer'

'Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your
side, kid.'
Translation 'Bugger the mumbo - wot I needs is me baseball bat and several
facking sharp knifes'

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker - 'The Force is strong in
this one'
Translation 'You're a facking hard Bastard '

'This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade.'
Translation 'We knackered in this Capri'

Admiral Motti - 'Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord
Translation 'You think you're that hard, you Northern Fat Fuck Face BASTARD'

Luke to the Emperor -'Your overconfidence is your weakness.'
Translation 'You fink you're well 'ard dunch ya'
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 05:00:00 PM by 1034398800 »


  • Muthafuckin' Don!
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1602
  • Karma: 1
Re: If Star Wars Was Set In Essex....
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2001, 03:58:01 AM »
Haha thats dope...  ;D

Essex boys suck for real, they come into the city, get hammered, give it some, try to buy weed off you then get battered.

Essex girls on the other hand are easy, if you know what i mean...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 05:00:00 PM by 1034398800 »