Author Topic: I come through with the funny quotes again  (Read 91 times)

Trauma-san

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I come through with the funny quotes again
« on: June 18, 2003, 10:06:34 PM »
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery

"Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out."
Steven Wright

"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
Mike Binder

"When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
Henny Youngman

"Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me."
Bobcat Goldthwait

"In a nutshell, just be good and kind to your children, because not only are they the future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually sign you into the home."
Dennis Miller

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
George Carlin

"Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything."
Tim Allen


"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison."
Tim Allen

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone."
Elayne Boosler

"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you."
Fran Lebowitz


"Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
Lily Tomlin

"I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow."
Margaret Smith


"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."
Janeane Garofalo

"I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds."
Wendy Liebman

"My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside."
Roseanne

"The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun."
Ellen DeGeneres