Jokes

[Skindiana bon3z]

100 years ago when 100 white people chase a black person that was called the KKK. What is it called today?

The PGA

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The Card Game


Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"

Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."

She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"

Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says.

"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

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14 pints of Guinness


A bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.

'I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,' he replies.

'You dirty bastard!' shouts the barmaid, 'Get out before I get my husband.'

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.

The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

'I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off,' he replies.

'What???' screams the barmaid, 'That's it! You're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.'

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

'Right. I'll give you one last chance,' says the barmaid. 'Now, what do you want?'

'I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.'

The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.

'What's up, love?' says the husband.

'There's this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,' she says in a flood of tears.

'What? He's a dead man,' shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

'Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off,' screams the wife.

'Right, he's going to need a body bag, the bastard,' shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me,' she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.

'Aren't you going to do something?' shouts the wife in hysterics.

'Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness...'

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Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”

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Dubya, Obviously Not


One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.
They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.

After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

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Redneck quickies 15


You might be a redneck if...

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
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3 Blondes in a House


There were three blondes living together.

Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, "Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?"

So, she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands.

Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, "Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub?" She stood there, just thinking about it.

Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, "Knock on wood I'm not as stupid as the other two!" She knocked the table and sat there puzzled: "Was that the front door or the back door?

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Constipation blues


A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.

A week later the man complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.

"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.

"What do you think I've been doing," the man said, "Shoving them up my ass?"

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Crazy Coach


In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

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Bow Legged


A boy would walk down the street and whenever he saw someone with bowed legs would point at them and yell, "Hey look at that bow legged bastard!"

Well his parents tried to break him of this and finally decided that the child needed some refinement.

So they sent him off to a private school where he read the classics, listened to classical music, all the things that are considered cultured.

When the boy went home he spoke to his parents in a dignified manner. After dinner they decided to go for a walk.

Upon spotting a bow legged man walking on the opposite side of the street he said, "So, tell me father - who are these men with balls in parentheses?"

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More To Come

[Casper]

im not saying this because you gay but those werent funny...

[Skindiana bon3z]

Putting Out


He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."



She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."



They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter.

He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."



She says, "Thank you."



He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"



She says, "Go ahead."



He says, "Can you PEE through all that hair?"



She says, "Of course."



He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

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Jesus is Watching You


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"



"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"



"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar.

"What idiot named you Clarence?"



The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

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Remembering Dad


Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."



Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

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Saggy Whats?


Q.What did the saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

A.If we dont get some support they're gonna think we're nuts!!

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Bush, Einstein and P


When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"



Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.

"How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?"

Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."



St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"



Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"



St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

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1/2 Blonde


What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

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Coded Communications


"Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "a special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here."

"Read it to me," the captain ordered. The sailor read, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."



The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"

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Horse Tears


A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"


The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."


The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.

"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"


The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."


A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

"What's the matter now?"

the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."


The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.

"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

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Doctor Games


Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?'...That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"



"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"