Author Topic: Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather in England and parts of Scotland  (Read 101 times)

Don Rizzle

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Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather in England and parts of Scotland
« on: February 06, 2005, 05:04:12 PM »
A controversial ban outlawing cold weather in the UK could soon be passed through parliament, and as Alexander De Ville reports, political pundits think it’s the key to a Labour victory at the next election
 
In a desperate bid to win support after his failures in Iraq, the sex scandals rocking his cabinet and the controversial ban on fox hunting, Tony Blair now plans to outlaw all bad weather in England and parts of Scotland. If passed, new laws banning or restricting rain, snow and sleet, could come into force as early as late December, according to leaked report from the Ministry of the Environment. The report outlines a “roadmap to better weather,” which could give Britons at least 364 sunny days every year.

The top-secret document, code-named 'Sunshiny Day', bluntly states that; “most people don’t like gale force winds, snow, sleet or that bloody intermittent drizzle automatic windscreen wipers never seem to catch. We should use this to our advantage by stamping it out before the end of our second term to ensure our re-election in 2009.” The explosive report also suggests re-using Labour’s 2000 Election slogan “A Brighter Future” — saving up to one million pounds on a new election campaign.

MP Bob Marshall-Andrews has called for the Prime Minister to reveal the exact date of the weather change, claiming that London’s 2012 Olympic bid could benefit by a promise of sunnier spells, “If it is true that the government is to change the climate, this information should have been submitted in Lord Coe’s Olympic application.”
Labour Minister Anne Picking wanted to know if there would be plans to abolish the winter fuel allowance for pensioners, should the climate change come into force before the end of the year.
"Well, obviously," Mr Blair told the House. "They won't need it when they're sweltering in a thirty degree heatwave, will they?"

The move to change the British weather is sure to be backed by tourism chiefs, who have pointed out that tourism is a key British industry, accounting for approximately 94.785% of GDP and supporting over 21.3 million jobs. The bill has also won the enthusiastic support of the British Resorts Association and the Visit Britain Campaign on account of the benefit it would bring to a tourist industry reeling from the impact of the Iraq war which has kept millions of Americans at home. As BRA chairman Bert Winter told Utterpants: “We are really lobbying hard for better weather in London and the Home Counties, I don’t think things need to change in Scotland — after all, tourists count on it pissing down in Glasgow, don't they?”

We asked the author of the report, Junior Environment Minister, Sheila Snow, how this highly desirable, meteorological miracle was to be accomplished.
"Oh, we have a whole raft of exciting new technologies the back room johnnies are beavering away at," gushed the slim, chain-smoking scientist.
"Such as?" we asked.
"We plan to divert the Gulf stream closer to the Home Counties and erect wind barriers in the Welsh borders."
"Does that mean it will rain more in Wales?" we asked.
"Could it rain any more in Wales?" the Minister chortled.
"Good point," we admitted. "Anything else?"
"Well — I shouldn't be telling you this," cooed the Minister with a conspirational wink, "But we're looking at installing hot air generators around London which I'm assured will disperse even the most threatening clouds in a jiffy."
"Well that certainly sounds like a vote winner to us," we replied.

With that the Minister threw off her mackintosh to expose a fetching pair of denim cut-offs and a saucy, bright blue, boob tube, before bursting into song: "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in our way. Gone are the dark clouds that had us blind — it's gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day. Look around, nothin' but blue skies! Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies!"
We politely declined the Minister's offer to join her in a Johnny Nash singalong and left her bawling 'Bright, sun-shiny day' into a hairbrush whilst strumming an invisible guitar.

Errol Brown, former front man of the 70’s popular beat combo, ‘Hot Chocolate’, told Utterpants excitedly: “Every day will be a sweltering midsummer day if the government pull this off. Blair’s climate changing bill means everyone’s a winner (baby).”

Experts at the Met Office we consulted dismissed the idea of changing the weather as “pure fucking fiction” and requested that our researcher stop calling them for quotes.

http://www.utterpants.co.uk/news/blairweather.html

iraq would just get annexed by iran


That would be a great solution.  If Iran and the majority of Iraqi's are pleased with it, then why shouldn't they do it?
 

Lincoln

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Re: Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather in England and parts of Scotland
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2005, 05:39:05 PM »
LOL, funny political satire.

Most hip-hop is now keyboard driven, because the majority of hip-hop workstations have loops and patches that enable somebody with marginal skills to put tracks together,...

Unfortunately, most hip-hop artists gravitated towards the path of least resistance by relying on these pre-set patches. As a result, electric guitar and real musicians became devalued, and a lot of hip-hop now sounds the same.

Paris
 

Westcoastin'

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Re: Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather in England and parts of Scotland
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2005, 06:45:55 AM »
good shit
been rockin' longer than niggas twice my age
back in the days before Bob Marley was rockin' a fade
before Honest Abe signed the paper that freed slaves
before Neanderthals was drawing on walls in caves
I existed, in the garden of Eden gettin' lifted
stickin' dick to Eve before she was Adam's mistress
before Christ created Christmas, I been in lyrical fitness
the Canibus is spittin' til' he's spitless - Canibus
 

Don Seer

Re: Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather in England and parts of Scotland
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2005, 07:16:20 AM »
wack
 

Jome

Re: Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather in England and parts of Scotland
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2005, 10:52:02 AM »
In Russia they already "make" their own weather..
They use planes to steer away rainclouds, but it's expensive as fuck, so they only do it on special occasions.  :D
 

Don Rizzle

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Re: Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather in England and parts of Scotland
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2005, 11:07:41 AM »
In Russia they already "make" their own weather..
They use planes to steer away rainclouds, but it's expensive as fuck, so they only do it on special occasions.  :D
are you shitting me?

iraq would just get annexed by iran


That would be a great solution.  If Iran and the majority of Iraqi's are pleased with it, then why shouldn't they do it?
 

Jome

Re: Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather in England and parts of Scotland
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2005, 02:12:18 PM »
They have a system where they use airforce planes to circle in rainclouds, I don't know the details, cuz they won't tell how they do it. (After all, it's Russia)
And they can make the rainclouds go basically anywhere they want it to go, they used it when Putin held some of his speeches and at big happenings..
It costs millions just for a couple of hours, and they even offered "rainfree" days deals to other countries, but at a crazy price.
 

Don Rizzle

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Re: Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather in England and parts of Scotland
« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2005, 02:36:20 PM »
found this on the bbc website

Monday, 26 June, 2000, 15:37 GMT 16:37 UK
Cloud-busting, anyone?


With the Wimbledon tennis tournament now underway in London, tennis stars and their fans will as ever be worrying about the weather during this major sporting event.

However, it seems there could be a way to avoid the disruptions.

The Russians claim they can provide sunshine for everyone by using Soviet-era "weather changing" technology.

High above Moscow, a lone aircraft embarks on a daring mission: to search and destroy.

The enemy is white, fluffy and wet. The men are Russia's cloud- busters. The target is spotted approaching Moscow.

The crew quickly prepare their ammunition in a fridge full of dry ice.

Firing manually, they take aim through a hole in the floor and simply tip the ice out.

The pellets are supposed to hit the cloud, cool it, and force it to start raining.

Amazingly, it works. The Kremlin has been using the technique for decades to destroy big rain clouds before they get near Red Square.

The planes were out last month to make sure the sun was shining for President Putin's first parade.


Television weatherman Alexander Belayev spends a large part of his working life checking the instruments at a meteorological station in Moscow.

Forecasting is fine, he says, but it is more fun playing god.

"It's easy," he says.

"Take Wimbledon. Our scientists could guarantee sunshine for a whole fortnight there."

"Besides, your English weather isn't as extreme as ours - it's easier to control."

The cloud-busters keep their equipment in a shed when the sun is shining.

A few tins of liquid nitrogen is enough to keep Wimbledon dry for a whole day.

The same substance did the trick for Presidnt Putin's parade, but for really big clouds the team uses fireworks with bits of silver in them or even huge bags of cement.

How much does all of this cost?

"It depends what planes we use," says flight manager Teymuraz Bazev.

"But I'd say it would cost about five million roubles - or just over $250,000."

"It wouldn't be that easy. But we could do it."

No one from Britain has been in touch yet. However, the team has already zapped clouds in Iran, Syria and Portugal.

So if you feel like splashing out on a little extra sunshine, you just need to call the cloud-busters.

iraq would just get annexed by iran


That would be a great solution.  If Iran and the majority of Iraqi's are pleased with it, then why shouldn't they do it?
 

Infamous Josedy

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Re: Tony Blair to ban Cold Weather in England and parts of Scotland
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2005, 11:11:38 PM »
LOL @ first post, ONLY