Author Topic: Something i found funny - Off http://www.mchawking.com/  (Read 52 times)

ecrazy

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Something i found funny - Off http://www.mchawking.com/
« on: June 24, 2005, 04:08:45 PM »
For this edition of Freak of the Week I want to turn our attention to the loonies who are waiting with baited breath for the time when they, and all their fellow fruitcakes, will fly into the sky like Keaneu Reeves at the end of the Matrix.

Yes, I'm talking about rapture believers.

For those who don't know, the Rapture is a religious belief among Born Again Christian's based on extremely questionable biblical interpretation. Basically they believe that someday soon the angel Gabriel will blow his horn and then they will all be taken up physically into Heaven while the rest of us are left to wallow on Earth for a seven year period called the Tribulation during which the anti-Christ shows up and kicks our heathen asses.

The rapture has become somewhat en vogue recently, due in large part to the inept, poorly-written, mind-bogglingly popular Left Behind series of books. These are some of the best selling books in history and have spawned several terrible movies starring Kirk Cameron, so it is safe to say that an awful lot of people believe this crap.

One such person is Todd Strandberg, the creator of RaptureReady.com, a site dedicated to preparing both believer and the heathen alike for the coming rapture.
To get an idea of the kind of reasoned, logical thinker Todd is, check out this gem from his FAQ page:


    Q: Why does Christianity claim to be superior to all other faiths?
    A: The supremacy of Christianity over all other faiths is not based on arrogance. It is simply based on facts. God has plainly said that Christianity is superior to all other faiths.


Well OK then, you can't argue with facts like that.

Anyway, his site contains many bits of useful advice about how to survive after the rapture if you have been left behind. Advice like, what should I do about money?


    “Hard currency will become obsolete. Everyone will be required to get a mark on their right hand or forehead in order to buy and sell. All those who receive this mark known as "the mark of the beast" are doomed for eternity. God will render judgment on those with the mark by inflicting them with a disgusting looking and very painful ulcer covering their bodies.”


Yuck.


    “So how can a person without the mark survive and still buy and sell? There will be people who are part of the anti-Christ's regime who don't believe in the anti-Christ; they are just "survivors" who pick the "winner" and seek to profit from that relationship. Therefore, save up for yourself gold; gold has always had value as money and always will, even in a cashless society. Identify one of these profiteers and seek to purchase food and living supplies from him. However, don't ever disclose to him how much gold you have and where it is. You want to be more valuable to him as a dealer than as a bounty. By the way, you will have a price on your head for not taking the mark. Obviously you won't be living an open life, as you will be in hiding somewhere at a remote location or in the forest on the outskirts of a large city. Your only goal will be to eat to live and hope to escape the militia hunting for you and those like you. Should you get caught, your fate will be either death or slavery.”


Me thinks someone has seen Beyond Thunderdome one time too many.

So, when is this rapture going to happen? According to Todd, soon! Maybe... NOW!

OK, so it didn't happen then, but according to Todd it could happen anytime and anytime will be sometime soon.

Although he does not specify a date, he does offer a tool on his site to help you judge just how far away we are from the final trump. He calls it the rapture index.

Here's how it works: Todd tracks the status of many rapture indicators (such as Satanism, Nuclear Proliferation, Famine, The Antichrist and, of course, Liberalism), then he assigns a seemingly arbitrary number to each one of these indicators, finally he adds all of the arbitrary numbers up to get the rapture index.

At the time of this writing the Rapture Index was 150 which, according to Todd's handy Rapture Index conversion chart, means “Fasten your seat belts”.

Well, buckle up heathens, apparently we're screwed.