Author Topic: So true.... (Read 221 times)

Liquid-Dogg · « **on:** August 29, 2006, 09:15:46 AM »

These are great. read them!

>> > 1.1 Peter Kay One Liners:
>> > 1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
>> > Thyroid problem?'
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>> >
>> >
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>> > 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
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>> > Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I
>> >
>> > stole one and asked him to forgive me.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
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>> > wife to go swimming.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I
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>> > don't get on with my real ladder.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
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>> > So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
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>> > Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16
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>> > hardened criminals.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
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>> > names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks
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>> > and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me',
>> >
>> > and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
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>> >
>> >
>> >

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
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>> > probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
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>> > better have a good hand.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
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>> > neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six
>> >
>> > should be enough.'
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>> >
>> >
>> > 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made
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>> > out of meat?
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>> >
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>> > 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
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>> > nervous and give the wrong answers.
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>> >
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>> > 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me
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>> > neither.
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>> >
>> > 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
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>> > from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
>> >
>> > I think I've forgotten this before
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 1.2 Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
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>> >
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>> > 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is
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>> > when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a
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>> > complete stranger.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
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>> >
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>> > 5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not
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>> > to have a fire in your back garden.
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>> >
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>> > 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
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>> >
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>> > 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
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>> >
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>> >

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
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>> >
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>> > 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill
>> >
>> > you at the first given opportunity.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed
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>> > half way through and then raced against the flush.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
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>> >
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>> > 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
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>> >
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>> > 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has
>> >
>> > had their arm broken by a swan.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
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>> > piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
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>> >
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>> > 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
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>> > putting it in a fruit salad.
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>> >
>> >
>> > 1.3 Some questions, brought to you by Peter Kay:
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
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>> > undressed?
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>> >
>> >
>> > 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
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>> > down to the core of the earth?
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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>> >
>> >
>> > 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
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>> >
>> >
>> > 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
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>> > you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an
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>> > alcoholic'?
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>> >
>> >
>> > 6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
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>> >
>> >
>> > 7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
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>> >
>> >
>> >

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains
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>> > for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
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>> >
>> >
>> > 9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
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>> > to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think
>> >
>> > I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
>> >
>> > out'?
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
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>> > but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
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>> > bathroom is?
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 14) What do you call male ballerinas?
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>> >
>> >
>> > 15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
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>> >
>> >
>> > 17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
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>> > vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over
>> >
>> > a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they
>> >
>> > tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to
>> >
>> > make sure?

Gangstauu · « **Reply #1 on:** August 29, 2006, 11:18:35 AM »

dam, good read, almost everything is true

Liquid-Dogg · « **Reply #2 on:** August 30, 2006, 12:38:46 AM »

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

lol

Teddy Roosevelt · « **Reply #3 on:** August 30, 2006, 12:49:14 AM »

LOL. Hialrious shit.

Soulful · « **Reply #4 on:** August 30, 2006, 04:38:00 PM »

tnxfunny shit had a good laugh!!

Intriago33 · « **Reply #5 on:** August 30, 2006, 04:48:21 PM »

Haha, Peter Kay's a funny man.

I particularly liked this one:

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.