first verse

[abstruse]

Heres my first verse.  I wrote this shit when i was battlin my friend on aim .  I've been obsessed with this rap shit since i was kickin it with my homie and his rap crew a couple weeks back.  Anyway hit me up with some feedback, and be furious.  The more criticism i get the harder i'll come back next time.

i'm about to place this man and juxtapose
all his wack lyricist woes
encounter these so-called foes
on weak freestyle shows
murder this man and leave em lying
dead in barstow
permanently amputate his thoughts
and put him under psychological counsel
you fukin faggot
you carry the recessive homosexual genetic
style hair, sorry i mean cosmetics
layed on your own fathers demerits
my lyrics flow like kinetics
having you sweating like agarics
never coming generic
make your gayness more apparent
now sit back try and appraise
my lyrical dismays
blow up harder then grenades
while the terrorist invade
im at a higher stage
ABSTRUSE phase
that could bend a spoon
without a single hand-raise

I dun know wtf all those "/" and "//" are for in those keystyles so i dont use em.

['Illicit']

the / are jus for statin that a line is completed. we jus do it so you'll know how long one line is.  but you started a new row after each line so it dont matter.    just dont write em like I'm writin right now, cuz it'll be hard to catch your flow.

hmm, for a first verse, this shit was cool.  I'd say so.   keep that up dawg.

[Kill]

yeah if that was your first verse you pretty surely got potential...it wasn't pure dopeness but since it was your first verse keep it up

[Koncept]

keep it up

[__kaLipZo__]

keep it up

[Reef]

got potential man.. Keep spittin

[abstruse]

thanks for the ups. i'll post something else soon.

[@Ss@sSiN]

yaa what they said ^^

[abstruse]

Heres something I wrote when i heard about my friend being in jail.  We went our seperate ways when i moved from South Gate to Vegas and he moved to Sac-town.  He isn't my brother but i considered him one.  WTF 17 years old.

my heads going insane
still remenissin bout my brother
who got off on the wrong lane
damn i really mis em
them theys we kick backed and listened
about fighting wars of attrition
we made a pat not to kick rocks
and now he's in prison
wishin he never took those drug shots
cuz man them drugs rot
yor brain, leave you mos def
cant believe he was caght slangin meth

its not done yet

['Illicit']

^nice

[abstruse]

adding on to previous flow.

seven-teen years old, but he sold his soul,
to the devil, now im tryin to
poetically express myself on a new level,
now me and him wont have a sequel
cuz that evil
infest your body like the measles
my bodys aching, consistantly being punctured,
with internal needles,
and then going through me head,
having dreams of findin em dead,
wishin i coulda said,
what i didn't
one more time express my feelings
one more time hear em breathing
man my life is pealing
away, off my skin
everyday this shit gettin creepier
having visions of the grim reaper
coming for me and i can tell
come get me bitch im ready to leave
this living hell.

[bez]

shits dope.  Keep droppin.