Author Topic: Ozzy Osbourne Quotes (Read 344 times)

Trauma-san · « **on:** August 24, 2003, 01:02:17 AM »

Like I said on the other thread, this guy is a comic genius. He has better one liners than almost any other comedian that's ever lived. Here's some of the best from his show.

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Ozzy: I'll get a pig's head from the butcher's. That'll fuck him up.

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Ozzy: What do you want me to do with my gun Sharon? Put it under my bed?
Sharon: Whatever you want to do with it.
Ozzy: I'll put it under my bed! (Runs off like an excited five year old.)

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Ozzy: You don't need to hire a dog therapist, you just need to wake up at 7 am and open the fucking door! (about the dog making a mess in the house, and Sharon saying he needs a therapist)

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Ozzy: I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you're all fucking mad.

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Kelly: You haven't done anything, its your fucking daughter. I just got a call --when I'm in Tiffany-- from some woman telling me how I should prepare my vagina for my gynecologist appointment tomorrow. She booked me a fucking gynecologist appointment!

Ozzy: All you have to do is say "Fuck Off" when the vagina doctor calls.

Ozzy: (To Kelly after he's become suspicious) You haven't been playing doctors and nurses have you?

Ozzy: Every time I mention the vagina doctor, you get this little smirk on your face. What have you been up to?

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Ozzy: No we won't -- no we won't break the law Sharon.

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Sharon: (In the limo) Look at the ceiling, its like Kelly's bedroom.
Ozzy: Oh, wonderful, we'll live here.

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Conan Obrien: How many crosses do you have there?
Ozzy: I need 'em. I need every one.

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Kelly: They make you, like, feed a tree before you feed yourself.
Ozzy: How the fuck you feed a tree?...What...you put a ham sandwich on the tree?

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Ozzy: Who pissed!!? Who pissed on my fucking carpet!?! That bastard fucking dog man. I'm going to throw you in the pool! It's a fucking terrorist man! It's fucking part of Bin Laden's gang!

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Sharon: Kelly just called from the pet shop.
Ozzy: No! No! Forget it! No!
Sharon: Aren't you interested?
Ozzy: If it's a living thing, no.

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Ozzy: Bubbles! Oh come on Sharon! I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, I'm the Prince of fucking Darkness. Evil! Evil! What's fucking evil about a shitload of bubbles!?

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Ozzy: Sharon. This looks very dangerous to me. This looks like I'm on tour for the next nine years.

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Ozzy: No, don't you start fucking singing, the fucking birds will die.

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My favorite Sharon Osbourne Quote:

Kelly: You haven't cooked for me since I was like 7 years old!
Sharon: Things are going to change baby.

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Ozzy: I'm not picking up dog shit. I'm a rock star.

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About Ozzfest:

Ozzy: "There is something fucking unbelievable about seeing all of the fans go crazy and chanting 'Ozzy!' I would pay to see them.."

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Ozzy: If your Ozzy Osbournes children, man, everybody in town wants to fuck you. And there aint no coming back from an HIV attack.

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Sharon: i love you ozzy ( putting her head face-down in ozzys lap)
Ozzy: are we gonna have sex now?

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Ozzy: JACK!
Jack: Yeah?
Ozzy: Can you get this fucking comp.. this television to work
Ozzy: (talking to the camera) I'm a very simple man you gota have like computer
knowledge to turn the tv on and off, man. i like press this one button and the showers
comes on! and i'm like, whats happening man? where am i?
Ozzy: (back in the lounge) JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jack: COMING!

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Ozzy made the Gravy last thanksgiving on the show

Ozzy: We did a great job with this Gravy...
Sharon:(under her breath) We're going to hear about this fucking Gravy

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Ozzy hates when the dogs make a mess in the house, but Sharon is a big animal nut.

Ozzy: (trying to approach the subject cautiously) maybe we have TOO MANY dogs.

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Ozzy: (after he didn't hear something properly) Darling, let me explain something to you. You have not been standing in front of 30 million decibels for 35 years. Write me a fucking note.

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PinkTowelGirl · « **Reply #1 on:** August 24, 2003, 01:20:02 AM »

Quote from: Scorpion on August 24, 2003, 01:02:17 AM

Ozzy: I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you're all fucking mad.

that is the best line ever....

The Watcher · « **Reply #2 on:** August 24, 2003, 05:47:45 AM »

Quote from: lil Bullet on August 24, 2003, 01:20:02 AM

Quote from: Scorpion on August 24, 2003, 01:02:17 AM

Ozzy: I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you're all fucking mad.

that is the best line ever....

nope

Ozzy: I'm not picking up dog shit. I'm a rock star.

beats them all