More Jokes

[smerlus]

a man went into a public restroom and saw this guy standing next to the urinal.

The guy at the urinal has no arms. As the man is standing there, taking care of business, he wondered to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

he finished and started to leave when the guy asked him to help him out. Being a kind soul, he said, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The guy asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" the man replies, "OK".

Then the guy says, "Can you pull it out for me?" the man replies, "Uh, yeah, OK".

he pulled it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asked him to point it for him, then shake it, put it back in and zip it up. The guy tell him, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." The man says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
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As an 8 year old boy is crossing the street he is hit by a car and left to die. As a lady passes by she happens to see the little boy and runs up to him. When she gets there she yells out "Oh my God, do you want me to call a priest?" the boy then says "How could you think about sex at a time like this?"
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee, and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You
must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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Guy was driving to work late, so he was going a bit fast. He crossed a bridge, and sure enough, there was a cop waiting with a radar gun, and stopped our hero.

The cop asked, "Whoa, speedy, what's your hurry?"

Guy says, "well, I was late for work, and I was trying to get there quickly, my job is important"

Cop: "What do you do?"

"Well, I stretch assholes. I put one finger in, then two, then three, then my whole hand, and I keep stretching it until it's 6 feet wide"

"What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

"Give him a radar gun, and set him at the end of a bridge."
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Timmy and Jimmy are two young British lads who live next door to each other.

On Christmas morning, Timmy runs downstairs and unwraps his gifts. There are board games! There are books! There's some new clothing! Timmy is overwhelmed with joy.

He runs next door to see Jimmy.

"Jimmy! Jimmy! What did you get for Christmas?"

"I got a new X-Box, a new mountain bike, some Matrix sunglasses and a new digital camera," Jimmy replied. "What did you get?"

Solemnly, Timmy replied, "Oh, you know. Some board games, some books, some new clothes and stuff."

"You didn't get very much stuff," Jimmy said cockily.

"Oh yeah?" said Timmy. "Well at least I don't have leukemia."

[hector]

those were some goods ones.  I heard a couple before, I really liked the first one.

[...'BfCfC'...]

the first joke was funny