Snoop Dogg and TI conversation

[Hack Wilson - real]

T.I.: Hello, is this Snoop Dogg?

Snoop Dogg: This is him.

T.I.: This is T.I., the guy who did that song "Rubberband Man," around the same time "Groupie Love" was out, who keeps getting arrested for drugs and guns and somehow getting out six months later.

Snoop Dogg: What up neffew!

T.I.: You know that white female rapper you've been beefing with on Instagram, Iggy Azalea? The label gave me points on her album to function as her black public cosigner. It's the same deal Akon had with Lady Gaga. I make a dollar for every album she sells. It's the only money I make anymore.

Snoop Dogg: Shit, I didn't know that! I might have to see about getting one of those deals myself. It'd be like being an actual pimp.

T.I.: Here's the thing. Usually when artists beef it's a good thing, because it keeps our names hot in the street in between projects, and that's why the labels make us do it. But it's no good in this case, because Iggy Azalea is white, and we can't have her out here dissing a legendary black performer. You saw what happened with Peter Rosenberg.

Snoop Dogg: Yeah, what a fag.

T.I.: I'll make you a deal. Lay off Iggy Azalea, and I'll talk to the label about getting you a feature on the next bullshit corporate rap release. We'll jack some poor kid for his entire advance the way Lady Gaga did Wale. Maybe I'll even talk Iggy into letting you hit that.

Snoop Dogg: How is the pussy?

T.I. Incredible. Somehow even better than you'd imagine. That's why I can't rap as well anymore: I've been afflicted with the Australian equivalent of Baduizm. I might start singing instead. This wouldn't be as much of an issue for you, because you've been singing on at least one song per album since as far back as the mid '00s, and it's a known fact that you use ghostwriters for your rhymes. Plus, it might be even better for you, because you wouldn't have to stand on a stepladder.

Snoop Dogg: Say no more. You've got yourself a deal. Are you still on probation? The next time you're in LA we can smoke weed together.

T.I.: Technically, I'm not allowed to do drugs, but I've got a special arrangement with my p.o. in which I'm allowed to do pretty much anything I want. Hence swinging on Mayweather.

Snoop Dogg: Sweet. I've had the same arrangement since I left Death Row for No Limit. It's why I don't sweat lighting up anywhere I go. I even got high in the White House.

T.I.: How were you even allowed in the White House as an umpteen-time felon?

Snoop Dogg: Exactly!

[Hack Wilson - real]