Gotta problem, muthafucka ? Dr Dre answers fans's personal questions

[Immortal]

Gotta problem, muthafucka ?
Tell Dr. Dre. He might not shoot you.

Dear Dr Dre,

This is a bit embarrassing, frankly, so I'm turning to you, Dre, in the relative anonymity of cyberspace, for help. Very recently I had a one-night stand with a girl I met at a club, while I was on one. We went back to hers after the club and we went to bed together. She was frankly well up for it (I'm not complaining) and we arrived at the point where - how can I put this? - does the expression "up her Bridget Jones" mean anything to you? Anyway, we did that. Now nasty things are happening downstairs (sticky discharge) and it hurts when I pee. Can you tell me what's wrong? I really don't want to go to the local clap clinic: my wife's a nurse there and I need to get this thing cleaned-up before she comes off the night-shift.

Yours, uncomfortably,

Mr X.

Dre replies:

That's some nasty-ass-soundin' shit goin' on in yo hood. O' unner it. Y'all been hoop-ridin' an' gotten fungus on yo dingus, right? Mighty Dre understands. Y'all got "that mean ol' slimey smelly muthafucka called 'thrush' agin", as Nina Simone used t'moan. An' what tha fuck did ya expect? Did y'all think when ya pulled yo dick outta there it wuz gonna be decorated wi' muthafuckin' gold leaf? An' fuck it, y'wouldn' gittit all shitty if you wuz wearin' a rubber, y'dumb muthafucka.

So damn right y'all bettah speak ta Dre in cyberspace 'bout this shit. I don' wanna shake yo hand. Fuck it, I don' even wanna share air wi' you, mushroom-dick.

But I gotta big heart. So -- Mighty Dre's advice: y'all can try 'n' fuck a yoghurt if ya like but it probably won' help. Thrush'll just eat that shit fo' breakfast then sit up an'ask fo' pancakes. If y'all wanna git yo nasty li'l ill dick cleaned-up, git yo ass down tha chimmiss, tell tha man what up. He'll sell ya this shit 'n' y'all jus' tekkit on home 'n' slap it on thick 'n' it'll clean up yo Folsom Itch. But I ain' goan tell ya tha name o' this good shit. Fuck you. You a ho. Serves ya right if yo woman, how can I put this?... does the expression "John Wayne Bobbitt y'all tha fuck up" mean anythin' ta ya? I hope this helps, y'cheatin' fuck.

Peace.

Dre

Dear Dr Dre,

A chunk of my nose fell off recently. A doctor told me it is called 'the septum'. It is that part of a human nose which creates two nostrils from one large hole. Well, I now have a large hole where I used to have two nostrils and I've lost a highly-paid television job, my considerable good looks, a large salary, all my savings and my seat on the t.v. gravy-train, all because of cocaine. I've been taking it for nearly ten years. I'm fighting my addiction now, but it's very hard. I've tried taking a fistful of aspirins and talking to the tabloids, but nothing seems to cheer me up. What can I do?

Yours, snottily,

Anon. London

Dre replies:

How tha fuck am I s'posed t'know? Shee-it! but y'all got me scratchin' ma head an' Mighty Dre be WISE. But y'all lost yo damn nostrils! Damn, but that's CARELESS!! How much o' that shit you git through, girlie? An' you young, too. I know muthafuckas done twenty years o' that shit without'no bits o' their faces droppin' off. Excep' tha teeth - tha shit all rotted up 'n' fell out, cuz they wuz grindin' twen'y-four-seven.

Hmm. Bes' thing I could be tellin' ya I shouldda told yo' ass long time 'go, sistah: Whydintcha smoke fuckin' crack, fool? Then y'all don't gotta botha yo nasal cavities wi' tha' bad shit 'n' y'all can still rap. Didn' nobody show ya how ta wash coke down ta base wi' ammonia? Y'all wouldda known that shit if you wuz from Compton. Word: bes' thing y'all can be tellin' yo'self t'cheer yo ass up is at least now y'all can shoot coke wi' bettah than jussa rolled-up ten-spot. Shit, y'all can tell people ya evolved into tha perfect coke-snorter -- cuz you can git mo' shit up there 'n' faster 'n any muthafucka alive -- cuz now you can fit a hosepipe in yo face. So whyntcha work on growin yo ears bigger, too? Then you'll be back on t.v. in no time. As Dumbo. I hope this helps.

Peace.

Dre.

Dear Dr Dre,

I am a mathematics student at London University. I have a problem. It's a problem of my own making. The girl I was going out with recently left me for one of my friends. When I asked her why, she said, "because he's sexier, cleverer, funnier, richer and better-looking than you." That really hurt me. So I wrote a sign saying 'Sign here if you think...' (I won't say her name) '... is a slag'. And I pinned it on the Hall of Residence notice-board. So she sent me a photograph of herself, sucking her new boyfriend's dick. She wrote on the back, "On him I choke. With you I flossed." I really loved her, and he was my friend. I did what I did because I was hurt and angry. Now I feel totally humiliated and I really regret what I did. How can I regain my pride after this?

Very unhappily yours,

James, (London).

Dre replies:

Bro, y'all did tha right thang comin' ta Dre wi' this shit. First up - don' nevah call a bitch 'slag'. 'Slag' don' mean shit. This is Compton, an' she is a 'ho'. So, yeah, yo pride is hurt. Yeah, she done you wrong. But I am Mighty Dre 'n' I am here ta tell y'all bitches can HURT like a muthafucka but them can LOVE like a muthafucka too an' ain't nothin' but a chump goan fo'get that good shit, you dig? An' I ain't never dissed no bitch without she turn aroun' 'n' diss me right back. So this is yo own shit comin' back atcha. Karma, bro. But yeah, yo shit got cut up 'n' now yo pride be dooooown. So if y'all wan' it back, Mighty Dre say either y'gotta go toe-to-toe wi' tha new dogg 'n' Wu Shu Kung Fu tha muthafucka til he shittin' his own teeth, o-else you gotta fuck tha bitch right back. So whyntcha'all jus' send tha photo to her poppa? That'll sho'nuff fuck her shit up, but good. Meanwhile you jus' stay home in tha den 'n' smoke sweeeet m-j wi' yo clan, 'n' chill. I hope this helps.

Peace 'n' Love.

Dre.

[40oz GRApHire]

Lol where do you got this from?

[da_notorious_mack]

dear dre


my homie i used to roll with before he went to jail......well i sorta left him high an dry while he was in there....well now hes out....and i think hes goin to hurt me......he used to beat me before he went to prison but just with the back a his hand....now i think he serious...what should i do?


Dre replies


GET A RESTRAINING ORDER DAMNIT

-----------------------------
LMAO sorry couldnt resist

[40oz GRApHire]

dear dre


my homie i used to roll with before he went to jail......well i sorta left him high an dry while he was in there....well now hes out....and i think hes goin to hurt me......he used to beat me before he went to prison but just with the back a his hand....now i think he serious...what should i do?


Dre replies


GET A RESTRAINING ORDER DAMNIT

LMOA!  

[Immortal]

lol i got this from this site:


http://www.squealnewspig.com/dre3.html