One night up in the club
I was acting the thug
I was out to be seen
Dressed so fresh and so clean
Decked out in S.D.C and my Stacey A's
I'd been preparing for this night all damn day
Rolled up to the club in my car
Stepped out onto the tar
And mingled my way up to the bar
So far in the night everything's going great
Then I spotted this fine bitch her name was Kate
Walked up to Kate she was with a mate
But that didn't prevent me from starting a debate
Now the theme of this debate was what is going on late
And when these girls found out they couldn't even wait
At once these girls shook me to my core
When they picked me up and dragged me out the door
Threw me in my car and put the peddle to the floor
Arrived back at my home
Me and the girls all alone
Started having fun on the couch
Unprotected like I was fucking my spouse
Tearing at the bitches Gucci
Trying to get some coochy
Now at the end of the race
Managed to tear through the lace
Tongue kissing her lips
Those between her hips
When all three of us are done
It's time to send those bitches gone
'Cause I gotta get my sleep on
So I can do this shit tomorrow

Yeah man.. why too simplistic.. if your gonna improve you need to use more complex words and rhymes.. It was ight for a rookie.. but you got alot of room for improvment

what is it with this forum, I post two rhymes and I've already got muthafuckers wanting to start battles with me. What the fuck?

You need to read things and relaise to take criticism.. it aint battles or shit like that.. jus tryin ya help..

its called "constructive Criticism"

yah, it was sumwhat simplistic. I know it was more of a story tellin style...so its not like u need tah throw a buncha metaphors in there or no shit like that but they do help. But, jus try tah come more creative wit tha story u tellin. Maybe throw a quote in there, of sumthin u said at tha club...or sumthin yah said to tha bitch u was fukin wit. Or even, a thought that passed thru yur head as u was fukin wit her, or talkin to her n whatnot. Also work on tha flow sum. There were parts where it actually flowed ok, but then other parts where tha flow was way off. Anywayz, if u are jus startin off...dont trip on it. Jus observe others, and learn frum it...we all still learnin shit. All in all...jus be more creative wit tha shit. A million muthafuckas write keystyles, and damn near everybody has heard, or wrote sumthin about seein a bitch in tha club...and takin her home. So tha only way to seperate yurself from them...is to write it in a way that they aint seen before. Jus keep elevatin yah shit...n youll be strait homie. peace

Tone's advice was pretty good. There are several things you can do to improve of course, sum people use alot of metas, sum try to use better vocab (so most of the rhymes aren't played), some write multis...I ain't too much into story-tellin but like Tone said try to write sumthing different from what people are used to. Lyrically simplistic stories about takin hoes home from clubs are only interesting over great beats, at least to me...but carry on, peep a lot of lyrics and you will probably improve...peace