Like I said on the other thread, this guy is a comic genius.  He has better one liners than almost any other comedian that's ever lived.  Here's some of the best from his show.


-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: I'll get a pig's head from the butcher's. That'll fuck him up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: What do you want me to do with my gun Sharon? Put it under my bed?
Sharon: Whatever you want to do with it.
Ozzy: I'll put it under my bed! (Runs off like an excited five year old.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: You don't need to hire a dog therapist, you just need to wake up at 7 am and open the fucking door! (about the dog making a mess in the house, and Sharon saying he needs a therapist)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you're all fucking mad.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kelly: You haven't done anything, its your fucking daughter. I just got a call --when I'm in Tiffany-- from some woman telling me how I should prepare my vagina for my gynecologist appointment tomorrow. She booked me a fucking gynecologist appointment!

Ozzy: All you have to do is say "Fuck Off" when the vagina doctor calls.

Ozzy: (To Kelly after he's become suspicious) You haven't been playing doctors and nurses have you?

Ozzy: Every time I mention the vagina doctor, you get this little smirk on your face. What have you been up to?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: No we won't -- no we won't break the law Sharon.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Sharon: (In the limo) Look at the ceiling, its like Kelly's bedroom.
Ozzy: Oh, wonderful, we'll live here.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Conan Obrien: How many crosses do you have there?
Ozzy: I need 'em. I need every one.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kelly: They make you, like, feed a tree before you feed yourself.
Ozzy: How the fuck you feed a tree?...What...you put a ham sandwich on the tree?



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: Who pissed!!? Who pissed on my fucking carpet!?! That bastard fucking dog man. I'm going to throw you in the pool! It's a fucking terrorist man! It's fucking part of Bin Laden's gang!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sharon: Kelly just called from the pet shop.
Ozzy: No! No! Forget it! No!
Sharon: Aren't you interested?
Ozzy: If it's a living thing, no.



--------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: Bubbles! Oh come on Sharon! I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, I'm the Prince of fucking Darkness. Evil! Evil! What's fucking evil about a shitload of bubbles!?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: Sharon. This looks very dangerous to me. This looks like I'm on tour for the next nine years.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: No, don't you start fucking singing, the fucking birds will die.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My favorite Sharon Osbourne Quote:

Kelly: You haven't cooked for me since I was like 7 years old!
Sharon: Things are going to change baby.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: I'm not picking up dog shit. I'm a rock star.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

About Ozzfest:

Ozzy: "There is something fucking unbelievable about seeing all of the fans go crazy and chanting 'Ozzy!' I would pay to see them.."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: If your Ozzy Osbournes children, man, everybody in town wants to fuck you. And there aint no coming back from an HIV attack.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sharon: i love you ozzy ( putting her head face-down in ozzys lap)
Ozzy: are we gonna have sex now?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy: JACK!
Jack: Yeah?
Ozzy: Can you get this fucking comp.. this television to work
Ozzy: (talking to the camera) I'm a very simple man you gota have like computer
knowledge to turn the tv on and off, man. i like press this one button and the showers
comes on! and i'm like, whats happening man? where am i?
Ozzy: (back in the lounge) JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Jack: COMING!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy made the Gravy last thanksgiving on the show

Ozzy: We did a great job with this Gravy...
Sharon:(under her breath) We're going to hear about this fucking Gravy

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ozzy hates when the dogs make a mess in the house, but Sharon is a big animal nut.

Ozzy: (trying to approach the subject cautiously) maybe we have TOO MANY dogs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ozzy: (after he didn't hear something properly) Darling, let me explain something to you.  You have not been standing in front of 30 million decibels for 35 years.  Write me a fucking note.  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote from: Scorpion on August 24, 2003, 01:02:17 AM

Ozzy: I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you're all fucking mad.

that is the best line ever....  

nope

Ozzy: I'm not picking up dog shit. I'm a rock star.

beats them all

...Kinda like underground music.


Anyways, my favorite one is

Ozzy: I'll get a pig's head from the butcher's. That'll fuck him up.



LOL