Livin´These Dayz (Feedback Please)

[D-Stress]

i was born in the city where people die for piece of bread
survival of the fittest, fuck being blue or red
youngstas with grown man problems
next busstop someone may kill em or rob em
pregnant woman on the streets beggin for money
she got her baby with her and hes so hungry
people got crazy, brothers are killin their own blood
to get some work, woman, cars or even food
smart-asses judgin criminals for being thievs
because they dont even fuckin know how it is
to be homeless, hungry and mad at your contry
thats why little kids are stealin and goin to county
another murder by kids killin kids for ki´s
youngstas shootin heroin, thats how it is
sniffin cocaine,stick up kids at young age
thats why they gon end up dead or in the cage
no respect, money talks, cash rules the hearts
god tell me when will all this stop?
hopin for better life, everyday´s a struggle, another fight
can you imagine being a week without light?
i do thats how i saw the world when i was born
i had fucked up life but i was never poor
thanks to my parents i always had something to eat
but i saw people who wasnt gettn no shit
livin for a day, lets see what tommorow brings
promise me wings, i can fly thru all this
but i cant escape the real face of the world
im out i cant take anymore,peace out, WORD

[D-Stress]

feedback`?

[Lyrical-Poet]

Man you hit on a lot of real life stuff
its dope man very good

[D-Stress]

thx.
what do other ppl think?

[D-Stress]

what yall think??

[D-Stress]

any corrections, feedback, etc.?

[andymitchell115]

i was born in the city where people die for piece of bread
survival of the fittest, fuck being blue or red
youngstas with grown man problems
next busstop someone may kill em or rob em
pregnant woman on the streets beggin for money
she got her baby with her and hes so hungry
people got crazy, brothers are killin their own blood
to get some work, woman, cars or even food

Okay, this was pretty good....you really showed how fucked up life in the city can ge when people kill over bread and the only thing that matters is what color you represent...you had some really good imagery with showing pregnant women begging for money and little kids getting robbed, you showed the paranoia and uncertainty that comes with your city...although the rhyme scheme was pretty simplistic the imagery made up for it.

smart-asses judgin criminals for being thievs
because they dont even fuckin know how it is
to be homeless, hungry and mad at your contry
thats why little kids are stealin and goin to county
another murder by kids killin kids for ki´s
youngstas shootin heroin, thats how it is
sniffin cocaine,stick up kids at young age
thats why they gon end up dead or in the cage

Damn i like how you showed the two sides to the story...many people will never know the pain that comes with being homeless and not knowing when your next meal is coming...these kids are committing these crimes at younger and younger age, and it's a sad thing because they can't really do anything about it because nobody cares...good ish my man.

god tell me when will all this stop?
hopin for better life, everyday´s a struggle, another fight
can you imagine being a week without light?
i do thats how i saw the world when i was born
i had fucked up life but i was never poor
thanks to my parents i always had something to eat
but i saw people who wasnt gettn no shit
livin for a day, lets see what tommorow brings

Each day is just another battle that we must all face..we should be grateful for the lives we were given because 99% of the time somebody else is worse off than us...life your live for today becaues tomorrow could be worse.

promise me wings, i can fly thru all this
but i cant escape the real face of the world
im out i cant take anymore,peace out, WORD

I didn't really like how you ended this...you showed have tied it all together with some form of hope and inspiration for the reader, or a realization that the world will never be fixed and we must all just try to do what we can to make it a little bit better...Overall, this was a pretty good piece you have some pretty good story telling and your imagery is on point...i would suggest using some more vocab and maybe try experimenting with multies to really capture the reader's attention..keep doing your thing my man

[D-Stress]

huge thanks for hook-up
props.

[bez]

It was cool man. Simple and effective. Can tell youre writing through mad experiences and shit. The only thing I will say is that your bars are very simple, everything flows well but its good sometimes to just fuck up your flow a bit, put something pure deep in there like a dope meta or sumit. I still liked it, just thought it was very Brendas got a baby type of shit.

[D-Stress]

^ wow thanks for comparin my piece to such a classisc.

[Johnny B]

deep shit there, D-Stress. good job.

[D-Stress]

thx 4 feedback.

[M Dogg™]

Dude... you still out there... or is that all you got.

[D-Stress]

Dude... you still out there... or is that all you got.

what you mean?is it bad?

ima drop some more later.