Highlights from the Edinburgh festival..

[Don Seer]

 
 I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go... Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Milton Jones at the Underbelly

How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb? Just Bono... he holds it and the world revolves around him. Al Pitcher at the Underbelly

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died ... Dido must be
cr ** ping herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to
sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
Was
two, "cause they wanted me to sound like a prat".
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I
looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian.
They said, "Say something funny then."
I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Damn, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have
botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look
shocked.
Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl
out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an
Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be
quiet.
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign
that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a
rip off.
Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
Seymour Mace at Café Royal

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!" Norman Lovett at The Stand

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
Arnold Brown at The Stand

 

[Xan.G]

classic shiit.

norman lovet's one of my fav comedians (holly from red dwarf).

that last one and the botox one had me rollin, nice one seer.