Author Topic: What you think of this? (Read 184 times)

bez · « **on:** July 06, 2002, 10:41:19 AM »

I'm havin these dreams,
They turnin in to crazy things,
Not seein anymore gold, money or dimond rings,
Lookin all over for my pager,
Wakin up in the mornin thinkin I've killed my family with my lazer,
And they keep gettin stranger,
I've played on the train tracks ignorin all the signs sayin danger,
Wakin up sweatin buckets,
Seein Kermit, Piggy, the world belongin to muppets,
Whats up with this?, I've been to several shrinks,
Had Halle Berry naked but unable to hit it cos it stinks,
Just what gives?, What the hell is going wrong,
I've had no playstation been in all day playin pong,
I'm fed up of this shit, its gettin so crazy,
When I sleep I enter a world where shit is against me,

(Chorus) I need to awake cos I'm going wierd again,
Usually sleep is the only way to escape my pain,
Such a shame that these dreams are stealing my peace,
Sayin fuck the crazy dreams will only make them increase,

(Chorus) I need to awake cos I'm going wierd again,
Usually sleep is the only way to escape my pain,
Such a shame that these dreams are stealing my peace,
Sayin fuck the crazy dreams will only make them increase,

Reef · « **Reply #1 on:** July 06, 2002, 11:51:30 AM »

Yo, not bad.. I like the idea n the concept.. Ima have to bite it

Areas for improvment: Use a bigger vocab, it makes the rhyme more interestin to read.

Keep spittin!

bez · « **Reply #2 on:** July 06, 2002, 01:41:36 PM »

u meant use words like:

Intelligence
Extra Terrestial

Just words that sound more deeper and have more meaning than shorter words?

Why dont u re-write that verse and chorus using words that you feel are better suited. Peace

Reef · « **Reply #3 on:** July 06, 2002, 11:09:14 PM »

Naw, i wasnt sayin that a biger vocab means the rhyme is deeper. Jus in some cases simplistic rhymes get boring to read. It wont affect how deep the verse is, I suppose its jus my prefrence. Althou i aint knockin ur rhyme.. its was coo' and the idea was fresh. I wuz jus sayin IMO sometimes a bigger vocab can make a more interesting rhyme.