Explicit's rap song : Read nd Give Opinions!

[Tha Muthafuckin Don - Explicit]

Hey ya'll Explicit here, the illest newbie on the WCC. Read my rap song, and tell me what ya think, thanx in advance people..!


Peace -- Explicit



Reckless thoughts rush through the mind of a mass murderer//
Nevertheless  the weakness of the undefined guilt, will evermore cause your shoulders to get colder//
Unmissable looks, will get you noticed, fortunately, the oversearer will embrace your fall, as your chased//
Into the never ending tunnel, of numerous convictions, attempted rapes, all of which have all been profiled and cased//
For eva you will stick out, like a saw thumb, like an alien on foreign territory, the misfigured looks get you distinguished//
As a unidentified bystander, with a mental state of a mental serial killer, admitted to an institute, who later escaped//
The fortunate misguidance, of an innocent civilian, leads you to a mysterious location filled with the dead and dieing//
Pepetual sounds echo all over the horizon, your whereabouts has become visible, your being hunted, by ariel vehicles//
Who are hovering, and flying// All around you are surounded, a conspiracy case caused by your numerous personalitys//
Leaves you with no other choice, leave this congeiled planet, with no remorse for your problems, your numerous faculties//
Raised into a corupt young district, left for dead, in the shade of a figure, bewildered, and bruised, no where to run, your life//
Has expired, and been used// Full of emptyness, continue to lurk in the mist of the families who's will to survive has faded//
Your bad judgement, leads helpless families, not contort, left with guilt, and remorse, and no answer to why their loved one was a choice//
A starter along the lines of your murders, your a known error, in the beginnin of life itself, leave the planet, never return, quiten your voice//

[Entreri117]

This is pretty nice, but it didn't flow too well.  I'd shorten the bar length, and use more words to rhyme with each other...and this rhyme would be blazin.  Its pretty nice, but kinda simple.

[Reef]

Like harmany said it was ok, it didnt flow very well, bars are a bit too long and you need to incorperate more rhymes. But keep spittin..