tha best verse i have written- tha realness

[HBKid_Jr]

this may not be filled wit muti's an shit but it is tha realest thing i feel i have written,  its a verse from a song i wrote.  Its tha third verse an pretty much sums it up,  i wrote this like a month or 2 ago
im so fuckin alone//
every fuckin guy got a girl to bone//
am i aint even got one to talk to on tha phone//
i forced to resort to stalkin//
cuz im so affraid of talkin//
its that feelin of rejection//
cuz its already inside of me like an infection//
im so used to that feelin//
it comes natural like a hustler wheelin an dealin//
i used to always get dissed//
shit would jus get me more pissed//
figured i jus never say another word//
while my mind goes crazy like a wild buffalo herd//
i had a lot of friends//
thought we were down to no ends//
but they used me like a cheap prosistute//
cuz in reality they fakes like lawyers in suits//
maybe id feel better if i had a shorty//
me an her gettin hella naughty//
but instead i got no1//
it truly aint no fun cuz tom aint gettin none//
i'll be alone on prom night//
so i blur my sight//
take another hit of seis//
all i want is a girl to impress//
acheieve infinte sucess//
but this life is like a giant game of chess//
an one wrong move an its over//
an thus far looks like ive made every wrong move

[Hittman]

That Was Deep. Nice Verse...

[NoT]

Nice piece, tom. I can feel the honesty in that verse. Keep it up... I was just playin' in the other thread but I had to say something. You should honestly work on being less cliche though... and this verse is an example of what you can be if you cut back on cliches.

[HBKid_Jr]

Nice piece, tom. I can feel the honesty in that verse. Keep it up... I was just playin' in the other thread but I had to say something. You should honestly work on being less cliche though... and this verse is an example of what you can be if you cut back on cliches.

can u give me an example of when i used cliches in my rhymes,  so hopefully i could improve

[[-Vision-]]

;)Nice.........

[HBKid_Jr]

uppin

[King-Suge]

this may not be filled wit muti's an shit but it is tha realest thing i feel i have written,  its a verse from a song i wrote.  Its tha third verse an pretty much sums it up,  i wrote this like a month or 2 ago
im so fuckin alone//
every fuckin guy got a girl to bone//
am i aint even got one to talk to on tha phone//
i forced to resort to stalkin//
cuz im so affraid of talkin//
its that feelin of rejection//
cuz its already inside of me like an infection//
im so used to that feelin//
it comes natural like a hustler wheelin an dealin//
i used to always get dissed//
shit would jus get me more pissed//
figured i jus never say another word//
while my mind goes crazy like a wild buffalo herd//
i had a lot of friends//
thought we were down to no ends//
but they used me like a cheap prosistute//
cuz in reality they fakes like lawyers in suits//
maybe id feel better if i had a shorty//
me an her gettin hella naughty//
but instead i got no1//
it truly aint no fun cuz tom aint gettin none//
i'll be alone on prom night//
so i blur my sight//
take another hit of seis//
all i want is a girl to impress//
acheieve infinte sucess//
but this life is like a giant game of chess//
an one wrong move an its over//
an thus far looks like ive made every wrong move

LOL-you already are a loser.

Its sweet to be king..

Your names tom/and i had sex with your mom--GET ME

[bLaDe]

LOL-you already are a loser.

Its sweet to be king..

Your names tom/and i had sex with your mom--GET ME

lmao u ignorent bastard,  compared to u hes the KING

 -{bLaDe}

[NoT]

I posted something that was a little out-of-line about your rhymes in the thread where maxi and I dissed C.O.D.E. so I deleted it. That's the post that I was talking about.

[Trauma-san]

Nice Rhyme, tom.  I think to improve it, you should elaborate on some of your points.  I'll post some of your lines, then post how I would do it....Just try not to leave any loose ends, and think of other ways you can say the same thing.  Do it line by line.  For instance:


im so fuckin alone//
every fuckin guy got a girl to bone//
an i aint even got one to talk to on tha phone//
i forced to resort to stalkin//
cuz im so affraid of talkin//

I would do like

Im so fuckin alone//
every fuckin guy got a girl to bone//
an i ain't even got one to chat at on the phone//
to holla at a girl, and hell,  i'm afraid of talkin//
so I threw away the cell, an resorted to stalkin//

See, I said the same thing, I just proofed what you'd wrote (which you can do yourself).  You said you were afraid of talkin', so why not make the line where you're stalkin' a result of you not being able to talk to them.  Plus, you said "Talk" to on the phone, then said "Talkin" later on.  Since they don't rhyme, and are variations of the same word, change one to "chat at" which rhymes with "Holla at" in the next line.  Then I added that line about throwing away the phone, which would explain how you abandoned trying to talk to them, and started stalking.  Then, I changed phone to "cell" and added "Hell" in the middle of the sentence above, which breaks up the monotany of the flow, and changes up your sentence structure.  

You got good subject matter though, just after you write it, go back and fix up the lines, to make them double tight.

[doggmastah]

^^nice tips!

TOM u did fine.  Tight shit!

Peace! (keep at it!)

[doggmastah]

LOL-you already are a loser.

Its sweet to be king..

Your names tom/and i had sex with your mom--GET ME

^^ Yeah! yur da king of fag-o-low-muthafuckaz...
we'll come fo' ya an get ya....
yur messin' with one C.O.D.E. ... u mess with us all!
LMAO@LOL we don't need to battle ya u already ripped yaself by just readin' this u yella... AH,AH,AAAH... don't mess with us we bad muthafuckas!