Something I Wrote For Medium

[Ebony Bree Caple]

My Journey

So the last I wrote here I was provoked by a hallucination I experienced in 2021 in which I truly believed I was at risk of being a famous rappers slave.

I think that sentence is loaded with strange and confronting negativity and accusations, assumptions and hysteria.
The fact that I openly admit to experiencing hallucinations may be confronting in and of itself so I should probably state that I am a diagnosed and high functioning schizophrenic who actually hallucinates the character in question regularly. I not only hallucinate visually but auditory, tactile and olfactory.

I hallucinate a plethora of people and circumstances and although it’s not always negative the majority of my psychosis surrounds feelings of persecution, abuse and fear.

Fast forward to today and I am happy to state I have been stable and symptom free for a couple of months with only one slight relapse since February this year.
Last year after writing my guilt laden musings on racism, provoked by the the language I used online due to my hallucinations, I continued to experience delusions about the rapper in question until my psychosis resulted in a severe and aggressive outburst which found me once again hospitalized.
Being this was my 3rd admission that year my treating team decided to send me to rehab with the hopes I would learn skills to possibly prevent further relapse.
I arrived in rehab in January this year and I can now attest to this experience being my greatest step forward in my journey with mental illness.
Honestly, there’s not actually a great deal of rehabilitation involved but being able to take a break from society, substance abuse and triggering environments enabled me to engage with a therapist and develop healthier habits in a safe place.
It hasn’t been a straight line, my trajectory wavering between enlightenment and denial. But I’ve learned some helpful skills and been able to confide in my therapist on a regular basis as well as having my basic needs catered to and assistance in re-engaging in the community.
I’ve learnt both CBT and ACT skills in therapy and I’ve taken it upon myself to explore further online and through literature.
In terms of transitioning to community I’ve been paired with a great Non Governmental Agency who support people living with mental illness and I’m confident that with these supports, coupled with the skills I have on board, I may just have a chance at a better future.

I’ll be frequenting Medium now to express myself in a healthy way.
I no longer use the typical social media websites because I have a tendency to target high profile individuals and this is considered a risk to reputation as my illness impacts the content I post.

I’m really just writing for myself as a form of therapy and I experience joy employing the written word.
I intend to go into detail about some of the skills I’ve learned, the techniques, what does and doesn’t work.
I’d like to touch on my illness too. The symptoms, the themes of my hallucinations and how they compare to the lived experiences that influence them.
I only have 13 followers and I hope if anybody is reading this, I hope you can garner the improvement in insight in terms of the way I’m conveying my thoughts right now.
When I read the posts I wrote last year about racism proceeding my hallucinations I get the impression I was more trying to alleviate myself of guilt about a situation I couldn’t justify let alone comprehend.
I’ve known of my diagnosis since 2010 but I lacked insight and wasn’t prepared to engage in therapy.
Even though I knew I was mentally ill I thought that by stating that as a reason for my racists rants was no more than a well touted excuse.
It really didn’t hit home for me until I heard about the Buffalo mass shooting and following that, the Uvalde mass shooting.
In both cases is was stated that the offenders had mental health issues.
I saw and heard people stating that racism is not a mental illness and I agreed.
Then I thought about how mental illness and racism, although seperate issues, can coexist, and that mental illness can be a precursor to a racist act.
I’m not saying you have to be mentally ill to be racist but I firmly believe there is something unhinged about a racist person and if left unchecked or untreated, mental illness coupled with a racially charged trigger can have devastating effects.
I’d love to write more about my history in certain communities.
My history with non white cultures.
My navigating the Anti Racist arena.
I’m not going to assume an angelic stance either.
If I’ve learnt anything from my experiences with racism it’s that it’s intolerable.
Point blank.
Inexcusable.
I think I have a unique story in some aspects.
Any insight I’ve gained about racism is from the very same cultural groups I’ve abused or offended.
That’s extremely generous.
And these communities ARE generous.
But just as my own family has had to create certain boundaries due to my constant abuses when mental unstable these communities need to guard themselves against the onslaught of racist practice, procedure and policy in society.
I intend to touch on this in future writings along with positive stories of inclusivity and overcoming the constant struggle to reconcile something that’s been imbalanced from the beginning.
I definitely want to use my Medium account as a therapy in itself because I need somewhere I can divulge the themes of my hallucinations.
Psychology and Psychiatry aren’t particularly interested in the content or context of hallucinations.
They believe in treating symptoms through preventions and coping skills which I admire but I still need resources to deal with the aftermath of the realities of my hallucinations.
Being I have lived experience in a vast array of areas and subsequently hallucinating similar events I need somewhere to vent and try to make sense of such occurrences.
For instance, you may be aware I hallucinated being a famous rappers slave but I’ve also hallucinated hundreds of KKK doing army like drills in synchronisation of an evening in a park.
I’ve hallucinated my dear younger brother being hacked to death with a chainsaw and I’ve hallucinated my father abusing me.
On a lighter note I’ve hallucinated intimacy to the point of feeling a touch and the voices have whispered sweet nothings that bought me to tears.
I’ve hallucinated God’s face mid prayer and felt a sense of fear coupled with peace. I’ve seen trees dance like a bride and groom whilst a mother and son stood by the side watching on.
One of my favourite hallucinations was seeing the crescent moon and star just like on the Islamic flags in the middle of the day around the same time I first started studying the religion.
I’ll talk about all these things and more on my Medium so if you’ve read any of my previous material and you’ve enjoyed some of it I hope you enjoy my future posts.
Today I explained to a support worker that one positive thing I’ve experienced on my journey with mental illness is a sense of having a unique story.
I feel unique.
I’ve been spellbound by my symptoms at times.
True, I’ve also been terrified but I’ve recently had to come to terms with the fact that there is no cure for this disease.
There is no cure.
I look forward to posting here more in the future as a form of coping and thank you for reading if you felt compelled.

[Dee Tha AK]

You'll get well just control your mind and focus on positive, the world is twisted added to mental illness & substance abuse makes it crazier.
So breathe in & out.
We all go through anxiety, depression, questions & paradoxes but gotta keep your had up.

You don't have to name the rapper but what was your issue? Why did u feel the way you felt? What dots did you connect to come to that conclusion aside it being a hallucination?

As you mention Medium I see you are also interested in spirituality, religion,etc. At the end of the day we gotta keep calm, row your boat & go with the flow, we still not really know anything either about ourselves or all the higher dimension stuff so..keep the faith. Everything happens for a reason.

I could write all day but its too much.

Feel free to reply.

[Ebony Bree Caple]

You'll get well just control your mind and focus on positive, the world is twisted added to mental illness & substance abuse makes it crazier.
So breathe in & out.
We all go through anxiety, depression, questions & paradoxes but gotta keep your had up.

You don't have to name the rapper but what was your issue? Why did u feel the way you felt? What dots did you connect to come to that conclusion aside it being a hallucination?

As you mention Medium I see you are also interested in spirituality, religion,etc. At the end of the day we gotta keep calm, row your boat & go with the flow, we still not really know anything either about ourselves or all the higher dimension stuff so..keep the faith. Everything happens for a reason.

I could write all day but its too much.

Feel free to reply.

Firstly I want to thank you for your supportive reply

The first thing you mentioned was to breathe and this may seem daft but controlled breathing exercises have become a saving grace for me
The ability to calm oneself physiologically through deep breathing techniques has eased my discomfort of late and it's a favourite skill when distressed

In relation to the hallucinations the character in question was WC and I've been hallucinating him since 2011 beginning with hearing him rappin death threats in my mind to me to the point I was so scared I went to sleep with my mother at the age of 29

In relation to the hallucination I'm referencing here that episode actually started off amorously where my tactile hallucinations came into play

On another note, given the opportunity to reflect in a low risk environment I recall watching a documentary on modern day slavery in the west around the time of that episode and although I'm not certain I'm wondering if that could have triggered the whole white slave thing

In my hallucinations I had tasks such as cooking and cleaning and I remember quite vividly having to tie his daughter's shoe laces

I was going to be delivered to him in a box and hung upside down and beaten into submission
It was expected I would pleasure his wife and I could smell her perfume which just escalated my vitriol of abuse

In my mind EVERYBODY was in on it
The entire black community

I was pimped out to dirty old men and forced to sleep in a cage

I genuinely believed it was going to happen

The police came to my property about a noise disturbance and I told them that my mother had sold me to Ice Cube, Daz Dillinger and WC as a slave
They simply told me to keep the noise down and left

Mental health professionals came to administer medication and I repeated my accusations and asked if I could go to hospital
They simply said that they try to avoid that and left

My Psychosis continued until I started to vent online tagging WC posting to Facebook and Instagram

I genuinely believed it was real

I have come to terms with the fact that I can't reconcile this situation and must deal with the consequences

I'm no longer welcome in certain circles
I've been blocked both online and in real life losing child hood friends along the way

I'm looking for closure but feeling selfish about my guilt because it's about me and my feelings rather than accountability

I'm in the process of writing my life story and I can see this episode taking up a whole chapter in itself

Thanks again for your response

[Dee Tha AK]

Firstly I want to thank you for your supportive reply

The first thing you mentioned was to breathe and this may seem daft but controlled breathing exercises have become a saving grace for me
The ability to calm oneself physiologically through deep breathing techniques has eased my discomfort of late and it's a favourite skill when distressed

In relation to the hallucinations the character in question was WC and I've been hallucinating him since 2011 beginning with hearing him rappin death threats in my mind to me to the point I was so scared I went to sleep with my mother at the age of 29

In relation to the hallucination I'm referencing here that episode actually started off amorously where my tactile hallucinations came into play

On another note, given the opportunity to reflect in a low risk environment I recall watching a documentary on modern day slavery in the west around the time of that episode and although I'm not certain I'm wondering if that could have triggered the whole white slave thing

In my hallucinations I had tasks such as cooking and cleaning and I remember quite vividly having to tie his daughter's shoe laces

I was going to be delivered to him in a box and hung upside down and beaten into submission
It was expected I would pleasure his wife and I could smell her perfume which just escalated my vitriol of abuse

In my mind EVERYBODY was in on it
The entire black community

I was pimped out to dirty old men and forced to sleep in a cage

I genuinely believed it was going to happen

The police came to my property about a noise disturbance and I told them that my mother had sold me to Ice Cube, Daz Dillinger and WC as a slave
They simply told me to keep the noise down and left

Mental health professionals came to administer medication and I repeated my accusations and asked if I could go to hospital
They simply said that they try to avoid that and left

My Psychosis continued until I started to vent online tagging WC posting to Facebook and Instagram

I genuinely believed it was real

I have come to terms with the fact that I can't reconcile this situation and must deal with the consequences

I'm no longer welcome in certain circles
I've been blocked both online and in real life losing child hood friends along the way

I'm looking for closure but feeling selfish about my guilt because it's about me and my feelings rather than accountability

I'm in the process of writing my life story and I can see this episode taking up a whole chapter in itself

Thanks again for your response

Writing is something that's often mentioned as a great self work but many don't know where to begin

As you mental health issues was there any substance abuse involved before the hallucinating started?

Did you ever interact with WC himself or close to them to confirm that you are wrong?

[Sccit]

dope

[Ebony Bree Caple]

Writing is something that's often mentioned as a great self work but many don't know where to begin

As you mental health issues was there any substance abuse involved before the hallucinating started?

Did you ever interact with WC himself or close to them to confirm that you are wrong?

I was drinking prior to my behaviour here and other online platforms but nothing else

At a later stage WC's business connect contacted me over unwanted interactions but didn't refer to the incidence I'm talking about now

I think the only interaction I had with Dub was a tweet in 2013 and a smiley face on the gram

Nobody provoked me

[Dee Tha AK]

I was drinking prior to my behaviour here and other online platforms but nothing else

At a later stage WC's business connect contacted me over unwanted interactions but didn't refer to the incidence I'm talking about now

I think the only interaction I had with Dub was a tweet in 2013 and a smiley face on the gram

Nobody provoked me

How you feeling now? So basically it was a psychosis?

[Ebony Bree Caple]

How you feeling now? So basically it was a psychosis?

Rehab has helped immensely
I got to see a psychologist weekly for about 6 months aswell as limited but helpful groups centred around wellness

The opportunity to work on sobriety for a prolonged period of time has helped me realise that although some people can use substances safely I'm just not one of those people
I'm confident in my sobriety

After relapsing in hospital without the contributors of drugs and alcohol the doctor introduced new meds which have helped immensely

In terms of my fixation on Dub and others, playing a prominent role in my psychosis, I've accepted that I can't amend this and just have to focus on the relationships I can salvage such as family

I've learnt some great skills and lost a lot of bad habits

I'm now in the community working with supports and interacting with others on their journey with mental illness

I probably won't frequent here very much because along with my recovery my habits and preferences have changed immensely and I'm more sensitive to negative content than I use to be

[Dee Tha AK]

Rehab has helped immensely
I got to see a psychologist weekly for about 6 months aswell as limited but helpful groups centred around wellness

The opportunity to work on sobriety for a prolonged period of time has helped me realise that although some people can use substances safely I'm just not one of those people
I'm confident in my sobriety

After relapsing in hospital without the contributors of drugs and alcohol the doctor introduced new meds which have helped immensely

In terms of my fixation on Dub and others, playing a prominent role in my psychosis, I've accepted that I can't amend this and just have to focus on the relationships I can salvage such as family

I've learnt some great skills and lost a lot of bad habits

I'm now in the community working with supports and interacting with others on their journey with mental illness

I probably won't frequent here very much because along with my recovery my habits and preferences have changed immensely and I'm more sensitive to negative content than I use to be

All meds aside what were your arguments for your thoughts about these rappers?

[Ebony Bree Caple]

I was hallucinating
I have schizoaffective disorder
Particularly schizophrenia
I hallucinate
If I've learnt anything about my condition it's that it doesn't make sense
Schizophrenia is a German word that means "Split Minds"
I can't call it an argument because that would imply defending those actions
It is what it is