I Need to get this off my chest!!

[OutSider]

OK...... here it is...


This is not an easy story to talk about for me... but my counselor suggested that i try.... since i dont have to really come in contact with any from the forum if i dont wish too....


OK.. sometime ago... a few months back i met up with a young man who i am just going to call.. evil alex... anyhow... At this point in my life things seem to be going well for me.. socially and spiritually. Good friends, supportive family, learning how to respect myself and i was preparing to make my confirmation for church. Which was a important thing for me emotionally and spiritally. I havent had relations with anyone out side the person i was seeing at the time and i actually truely cared for him. I have known him two years and we have been good friends since we first started talking. My priest didnt even tell me i was wrong to be with him.. since my preist knew the type of person i was before i started going back to church... but anyways..... i have been preparing for this emotionally and spiritually since December.

but anywho... i have been talking to this person Alex since feb of this year.. online.. but it is wierd because we have friends that know each other.. like a couple of my friends from work know this person alex and a few friend from school know him. they all told me he was cool and didnt seem to have a complained about him. He got my SN from a friend mine from school. The first time we chatted was in a chat room with the other party. we been talking for 3 months online.. and called my work a couple of times to say hello .. nothing really out of the ordinary.. since.. my friend was his good friend and worked with him... so to me i didnt see it as a big deal... he just was a cool guy to talk too.. nothing more... because to be honest with you.. i am not into pretty boys.. because they remind me of homosexuals... and they are not my thing.. not real attactive i guess you can say... but i am cool with everyone and hang out with people of all kinds.. dont care..

but anyways.. so one late night.. i was on this computer and just so happen he caught me online.. we chatted.. i didnt think nothing of it... till he wanted to kick it... i was like.. what ever.. asked if this other friend of mine was around and wanted to know if he was able to come through too.. since i really didnt know alex and didnt want to have those wierd moments where it is all quiet...

so.. this other person wasnt around.. and i didnt really feel scared to meet him.. since.. i knew people who knew him and he knew people who knew me.. and it jsut didnt feel like an online thing anymore.. but i cant say he was at homie status or good friend status either... s

so he comes through right... and we are chillen in the front of my place.. just talking about normal everyday things... clubs.. and friends.. people.. relationships... he was hispanic.. and i am not going to lie.. it made that easier for me to trust... and i didnt feel threaten in anyway.. i was dressed in jeans and a sweater and he was wearing about the same thing..
 it was cold that night and my dad was already in bed.. so i didnt want to wake up by going inside the house... so we went and sat in his car.. in front of my place.. i wasnt feeling attacted to him.. so to me.. it didnt matter.. because i knew nothing sexual was going to go on.. he was just funny as hell and kinda charming.. but that doesnt buy me off...

so.. he was like.. lets go for a short drive.. then at the moment i was feeling a little wierded out by the question because i was comfrontable where i was at... and figure he was too... so i was like.. why cant we just stay here.. i am sure the nieghbor dont mind us sitting out here.. we are not going to be making nose or anything.. then.. he was like.. oh i just wanted to drive around because i like to drive or something like that... he toned didnt seem threating and he gained some trust.. but i kinda felt wierd at this point.. but didnt really know why.. i was.. i just thought i was being overly paranoied... anyways.. he was like.. i always wanted to see what are up these streets this and that.. nothing really big.. then he stoped in a dark area.. and i was like.. why did you stop here.. then tryed to laugh it off... then he was like just to talk.. then i told him that i was kinda seeing someone and i needed to get back to the house in a little bit.. to call him.. beause he was getting out of work.. at 3 am...  i started feeling like scared.. like i wanted to just get out of the car and walk away...

he started asking me some .. very personal question and thats when i was freaking out inside.. my mind.. nex thing you know.. he starts putting his paws on my breast.. and i asked him to stop and why was he doing that... he reply was that he wanted to see him and see what they feel like.. then i told him that i wasnt like that and i didnt want him to take off my sweater..  next thing you know.. from that i really cant tell you what happen.. becuase my mind went blanke.. i just wanted him to leave me alone and i jsut kept telling him it wasnt a good idea... to be with me.. and that i just wasnt interest in having relation with him...

i rememeber his face looking at me.. i wanted to cry and just scream.. leave me alone.. but he knew i was a weak person inside.. it was like he knew exactly what buttons to press and how to press them.. he remember feelings his arms pull me head down and me asking him to stop.. i remember him making demands.. that i ride him.. and i remember being so scared.. and so confused.. i remember.. wanting to just brake down.. but i dont remember why i let him have me.. after i already knew from thr first time i talk to him.. i didnt want to share myself in that manner with him... i want to go back to that night.. and tell him no.. louder... with more authority then him.. and with no fear  of getting hurt...

then the emotion rape.. starts... he tells me.. that i was a bad lay... and that he has a Girlfriend.. and he wouldnt want her finding out...then he told me that i was just another number in his black book.. and i was nothing to him... i wasnt even worth the time or day... because i am a bad lay... he drops me off . then tell me something i will have nightmares about for now.. months... it seems... have a nice life...

i go to my room without calling my friend... and lay there.. till i need to shower for work....

[Hater Player]

whut da hell u doin drivin round with sum stranger at nite idiota u shouda nown beter

[OutSider]

 i never once thought about calling the coppers... one i dont like cops.. two... at that point i didnt see myself as a rape victum... because in my mind.. it is my fault.. i cause this... and there is something wrong with me... i call heather who is like my best friend but she is unable to come to my work right away.. and narvie the head waitress sees me in the back crying... i cant even make out what i am trying to express.... the only words that fumble out of my mouth are ...why did he do this...

all i can think about is his GF and the friends that we know... why do i feel sad inside and how can i get over this pain i feel...

then narvie calls the police department and i make a statment for the police... and let me tell you.. to this day.. i dont even know if they contacted the guy... they only ask me to come in a remake my statment and ID some picture.. btw.. he was number 6 on the sheet.. (has a record already) my first statment didnt go to well,the police officer wrote things in the statment that didnt make sense... he said that i willing got into alex's car which is true.. also stated that i willing took off my pants and sweater, which wasnt true... because alex started to undo my pants.. then i told him to stop.. then he demanded that i do..

the police officer also stated that i concented to having oral sex with alex.. which wasnt true.. because alex.. grabbed my neck and forced me down in the area... but i didnt preform the act.. just pushed him away and ask him why he wanted this...

this made things.. difficult for the detective and my case has been closed do to.. lack of evidence... since i didnt see a doctor after wards... which i find hard.. because when it happen i was too much in shock.. to know.. or realize.. i should have seen a doctor.. then the police department didnt  want to check alex's car for condoms or even the street which he took me too for it either.. since it was a waste of time.. because the DA probably would dismiss the case anyways.. since you know.. i willing got in the car with alex and i willing took off my pants... i mean.. i willing took off my pants.. because this guy alex.. was hurting me.. and grabing my arms.. but you know.. in san bernardino county.. that must me legally... now-a-days.. knock the bitch around till she gives me sex.. thats not rape.. just being manly ...


now.. i am counseling... trying to find some kind of peace within myself again... and the person i was seeing.. split the scene.. told me that i needed my space.. and he thinks he needs to back off me for awhile.. because i am going through a hard time.. two years of chasing me.. two years of me rejecting him.. and he finually gets me.. and he just throws me back.. because.. he thinks i need my space from him.. when in reality.. i probably needed him more.. then anything...

i am sad all the time and dont feel a need to leave the house.. because it is like everyone in san bernardino knows.. becuase i know people he knows.. and he knows people i know.. i want to scream.. i fear him coming back... i am scared to smoke outside.. because the ass hole lives.. in the north end too.. and what if i go to the store and he is there.. what if he looks at me the worng way.. like the night it all happen.. like the night.. he told me i was basically nothing... that i deserved this... that this is what god made me for..

because thats how i feel now.. i feel like.. that is what i am for.. that i cant do any better.. but that.. that i am not worth.. seriouslly dating... my friend has talked to my very little since it happen.. but i feel that he is not going to be coming back.. some days i wake up and want to cry so bad.. because i am worried about how worthless i am to this person.. my value has gone down.. and i am nothing to no body... my friend from high school.. tells me i am something to him.. but that doesnt help..  and the guy i lost my viginity too still likes me.. and wants me to be with him for awhile.. but.. i am not feeling him anymore.. that was in the passed... he is only a good friend... i just feel meaningless.. i feel sad all the time.. i cant even enjoy being with someone anymore.. i  have been intimate twice since it happen with someone i kinda trust.. but i trust that he is not violent or emotionally abuse.... but i dont trust.. the very thing.. i dont trust in every person or guy right now.. dependablity... because when things get heated.. i know he will bail.. they all bail.. every last one of them,.. are immature.. or need more growing up... deeo down inside i know he wants me for one thing.. but i let him.. because.. in away i have some control.. of where and when... i can say no to at any point in time... but then again i like this person too.. good boy.. i would say... but.. then alexs words pop back into my mind.. tattooed there forever... i am no good.. not worth anything...


i want out of this.. life.. i want out of the state of being.. i want of alexs control...

[OutSider]

whut da hell u doin drivin round with sum stranger at nite idiota u shouda nown beter

well, at that moment it didnt even feel that way.. since the majority of the people on the north end know one another... it is a north end thing... one way or another we all are connected. i know about.. 20 people who went to school with this person.. and he acted look familar.. like i seen him at the same college i attend..  even the cops knew.. it wasnt a big deal... since it is common out here.. we live in a small community...

[Tha_Reverend]

so he raped you emotionally?  but you let him have sex with you even though you didn't want to?  I 'm a little confused......you DIDN'T want him to have sex with you but you let him do it after you fought it a little?  so you were you getting into it after it started?  like oh what the hell, might as well go with it and enjoy it?  or were you full on raped and beat?  

[OutSider]

so he raped you emotionally?  but you let him have sex with you even though you didn't want to?  I 'm a little confused......you DIDN'T want him to have sex with you but you let him do it after you fought it a little?  so you were you getting into it after it started?  like oh what the hell, might as well go with it and enjoy it?  or were you full on raped and beat?  

i didnt want to have sex with him.. because.. he just wasnt doing anything for me.. and frankly.. i just not into that...

i dont know.. i kept trying to take his hands off me.. then he would just put them right back on me in a different area.. i asked him serveral times to stop.. and asked him why he was doing this.. thats when he started.. grabing me arms.. then.. the fear just set in.. i did what i did because i was scare he was going to beat me or put me in a situation where i would have lost total control... i gave up the fight.. to survive to be honest with out.. thats how i feel.. i felt that this person was to powerful and he would have done anything to have his way.. but i was still fighting the sex.. i kept telling him.. i didnt want too..

[Trauma-san]

Just relax, stop thinking about it, and move on.  Plus, get M Dogg to go kill the guy.  

[Tha_Reverend]

man, I feel soooooo bad for you.  damn, that must be one of the worst things some one can go through.  I'm sorry that happend to you.  

[OutSider]

Just relax, stop thinking about it, and move on.  Plus, get M Dogg to go kill the guy.  

oh forgot to mention this...


complements of the PD, if something happens to him... he is dropped as a suspect in rape charges... even though they werent file.. but by the grace of god.. he just might.. turn himself.. in.. which i doubt.. he is rapest.. not a dumbass...

in turn.. if anything happens to me.. or comes into contact with me.. calls my house.. work.. family.. etc... the charges will be pushed..and he will serve jail time.. but he is smart like i said.. he probably knows.. better.. or doesnt see himself as a rapest.. or even realise he did anything wrong...


as far as forgetting.. anyone knows.. that rape and battery are difficult to get over.. just like lost.. i cant tell you to get over your father's death.. doesnt work that way.. takes time... healing takes time.. thats why i am in couseling.. to heal.. but i have days.. where i have these flash backs.. and i cant control them.. out of no where.. i am back in that car stuggling to say no...... wanting to scream.. i cant control the nightmares.. just pray to god ... then.. irony of it all.. the only time i can sleep after praying.. is if i pray for him... i asked god to guide him in the right path... and touch his heart.. which is hard for me.. but.. God is that way.. pray for your enemies.. helps though..

[Hater Player]

well u shoud now dat when a mans coming 2 c u late at nite n he nows u 2 r guna be alone hes guna be expecting some pussy

[Trauma-san]

Come on, who are you kidding?  He's not gonna turn himself in, he doesn't even feel bad about it.  He's also not going to threaten you or try to harm or hurt you, he just wanted a lay.  He's probably stalking some other chick by now, and he probably doesn't even consider it rape.  

If I was you, I'd have M Dogg go beat his ass.  If the police are telling you he'll be cleared of charges or whatever if something happens to him, they're bullshitting you, the guy won't ever get any charges against him.  The best thing to do is, key his car, slash his tires, piss in his front seat, call his work and tell them he cussed you out in the drive through, throw rocks through his house window, have M Dogg beat his ass, and just generally make his life a living hell for the next 4 or 5 years.  Call the power company with his shit and tell them you need to cut the power off, you're moving.  Go get some bolt cutters and cut his cable line, tell whatever gang hangs around your house that he raped you, let them beat his ass.  Just fuck with him forever, if you're that shaken up about it, and if he really is as evil as you say, get revenge.  

[OutSider]

well u shoud now dat when a mans coming 2 c u late at nite n he nows u 2 r guna be alone hes guna be expecting some pussy

no is no.. and if you think that way.. your putting people under the expression that your that way too.. which is sad.. because you claim to be a great latin blah blah.. that jsut shows me what kind of 3rd grade mentality you have..

[OutSider]

Come on, who are you kidding?  He's not gonna turn himself in, he doesn't even feel bad about it.  He's also not going to threaten you or try to harm or hurt you, he just wanted a lay.  He's probably stalking some other chick by now, and he probably doesn't even consider it rape.  

If I was you, I'd have M Dogg go beat his ass.  If the police are telling you he'll be cleared of charges or whatever if something happens to him, they're bullshitting you, the guy won't ever get any charges against him.  The best thing to do is, key his car, slash his tires, piss in his front seat, call his work and tell them he cussed you out in the drive through, throw rocks through his house window, have M Dogg beat his ass, and just generally make his life a living hell for the next 4 or 5 years.  Call the power company with his shit and tell them you need to cut the power off, you're moving.  Go get some bolt cutters and cut his cable line, tell whatever gang hangs around your house that he raped you, let them beat his ass.  Just fuck with him forever, if you're that shaken up about it, and if he really is as evil as you say, get revenge.  

dude that was i just stated... that he is to smart and wont turn himself in...

btw.. he is also a moron... so why dont  you just pray for lightening to strike him.. ... and ill handle things my way... and just wait till my cousin gets out of prison

[Hater Player]

whatevers i feel bad 4 u so i aint gunna diss u

[bez]

With all due respect you cant just blame sum 1 for emotional rape.  If anything you misled him!

It sounds like you have been through a tuff time with this but, he took of my sweater, then I ride him.  That aint rape in the slighest thats just good old teenage lovin sex.  You met on the net he proberly thought I am in her with this chick so he comes and chats to you outside your house.  What do you think he wanted out of you, just a talk??? I am sure he had friends for talking.  

You cant say sumbody emotional rapeyou because not wanting to sound horrible here but its bullshit.  Your just proberly pissed off because you didnt think and in the heat of the moment you had sex with a guy that you didnt really like.  Sorry but it happens ever minute of every hour of everyday.

At the end of the day you say he was grabbing your arms and shit, if you dont wanna do anything then you either say NO and get outter the car or tell him no and take me home now, you cant say oh when it happened I was scared because its your story against his and honestly I would believe his.  If you say he was grabbing your arms then when you got home you shudda shown your parents and told them what had happened, but I bet you didnt do that because you had sex with a guy and didnt get raped at all.

You say you live in a small community and shit so its normal for people to go out with people they meet on the Internet.  What do they have like a special Internet cafe in your town where everyone meets up???  Sorry girl, I do feel bad for you and the pain you have been through but that story just sounds like to me that you met a guy over the internet you had sex with him even though you where kinda unsure that you wanted to but never-the-less you still did and didnt say No,  yes you said to him why do you wanna do this but thats not saying No to a person thats just a question with a simple answer, cos I wanna get fucked.  You had sex with him and no you regret it and by trying to piece together all the pieces of the puzzle you have come up with the conclusion that he emotionally raped you.  

The advice I have for you is dont meet up with people over the internet, don't let people push you around and be the boss of you and most of all get on with life.  

Ok this happened but going on and on and on about it aint gunna make it easier, you shud just let it go, forget about it find a boyfriend that will love you for who you are and try to push this incident to the very back of your mind because you only live once.  You say your sad all the time because of this but why be, ok you feel like you where violeted in some way but look at the world around you, what if you where told tommorrow that you are dying, think of all the times in life you will of waisted because you felt sad because of something that happened.  By being sad and shit you are slowly rottin away, just live your life as it comes, fuck everybody thats hurt you in some way or another in the past, by being sad and wreaking your own life over them then your falling right into their trap.

I feel for your pain thought really.

Bez