Author Topic: Excerpt from book "White Muslim"  (Read 398 times)

Political Gangsta

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Excerpt from book "White Muslim"
« on: September 03, 2002, 09:09:36 PM »
Mom and Dad,

I can no longer mask my inner self behind a flaccid, agreeable personality.  It has finally became too wide of a stretch for me to hide myself from you and soon I will snap from this deep seated aversion within me.  I have a dislike for my fear and I have a fear of showing myself to the family.  Why am I so scared of my family?  Every person in my family I am scared of.  I even have nightmares at times.  My fear runs deep.  From the tips of my toes to the crown of my head.  I'm so scared that I have to right a letter because I haven't the nerve to say these things in person.  I will admittedly accept my half of the blame.  It took hard work and great stamina on my part to keep only my automated self visible.  I've been with you both my whole life and it is finally time that you knew me.

I'll start from the beginning.  I was very proud with myself as a child.  Proud of all my family and loved both of you very much.   Granny was also very dear to me.  I have nothing but fond memories of my childhood.  I can not thank you enough for everything you did for us then.  There were a lot of things I didn't understand at the time but I was happy so I accepted things as they were.  

Then around the fifth grade I began questioning life.  I didn't like this strange quirk in my personality.  I wanted to stop questioning life and taking it seriously.  I wanted to simply have fun like I always had but I couldn't ignore this emotion.  Where was it coming from?  Kids at school even asked me, "why are you so serious sometimes?"  I didn't understand it.  I asked you guys why these things were happening.  You explained to me that life won't always seem as fun as it did during childhood, that I was growing up, and that sometimes you just have to put a smile on and soon you will forget you were ever down.  This technique of personality procrastination did actually work for a few years and served as my primary method against struggle.
     
During the 6th grade I had my first real girlfriend.  A girlfriend you actually spent time with and maybe even kissed if you had friends that could talk you into it.  Most people thought I was cool because I played basketball well.  I thought I could get a more popular girl so I broke up with her.  When nothing bigger and better came along,  I of course asked her back out.  Arrogantly, I was shocked when she said no and immediately afterward began suffering through my first heartbreak.  My confidence was shattered for the first time.  I felt like a total loser.  It was at this low point in my youth that I grew to became increasingly fascinated by the macho, misogynistic world of rap music.  It is a male dominated experience and no artist rap or rock was bigger at this time then Snoop Doggy Dogg.  The music somehow made me feel more confident and sure of myself at a time when I was being alienated by the popular people at school; who had previously held my attention and concern.  Never again did they matter much after the advent of hip-hop into my life.  And the less I cared for girls the more they turned around and started caring about me.  By the time I reached the 8th grade I had many girls.  They were only fun to me.  Jr. High was absolutely crazy.  Nothing like the world I grew up in.  Suddenly the lines between right and wrong became blurred and even adults I thought were perfect got exposed as hypocrites.  The world more closely resembled the chaos of a rap record, then it did the happily ever after life I believed in growing up.  Naturally, I began to think I knew more then anyone else.  Nobody could tell me anything for a time until something strange and unusual happened to me the summer before high school.  An event that would change my life.  I fell in love.  I didn't think it was possible.  It was with the girl Ashley that lived across the street with her dad that summer.  She penetrated so deep into my own little world that I denounced all my past contempt for females.  I was quick to get rapped up in emotion and believe that I had found the secret to life.  Everyone else was lost, but me, I had Ashley.  I had defied god, the laws of nature, and escaped all the struggle and suffering of life!!!!!  Or at least that's how I put it together in my head.  My brief, narrow mental frame was quick to accept anything as authentic, eternal truth.  I was so sure I had found everything I was looking for, that when she moved away and didn't write, I was too stubborn to admit that I had been mistaken.  For years I would refuse to give up the thought of our future together.  Every now and then she would write me confirming that my conjured up prophecy was the end all truth of this life.  When she wouldn't write I would loaf around in the case of my skull, feeling depressed and unusually out of sync with the rest of the world.
     
Outside of the world that existed in my head.  (The world that I had created for Ashley and I!)  It seemed that there was still this insidious reality that existed all around that went unmentioned.  An unthinkable, amorphous dilemma that was only to be approached self-effacingly.   Aside from the brief respite I had enjoyed with Ashley, there was an unsettling reality that had me deeply frustrated.  I would speak to both of you, and then to my friends about this but nobody was concerned with articulating problems; rather we were all just experts at overlooking them.  The only person I found unafraid to go beneath the more salient aspects of life, was another rapper named 2pac Shakur.  He didn't speak to me like I was wrong for feeling the way I felt.  He didn't use the same tough guy rhetoric that coaches and adults had always given me.  He didn't say things like, "life is tough, face it" or "get over it".  Still, I would get scorned and ridiculed if I truly embraced a "black culture".  The gulf between myself and the rest of the world grew to mountainous proportions.  As I placated the world like a robot with self-automated responses, maintaining my calm demeanor while inside my soul was dying.
     
That would all change my junior year.  A white rap artist who called himself Eminem would burst on the scene.  Speaking with bold, angst ridden, invective; he was articulating for me the insidious realities of life in the only way he knew how; through the poetry of hip-hop music.  Slowly I began to emulate the way he expressed himself.  I began keeping a journal tucked away in my room.  My deep seated aversion towards the world, my family; all my frustrations came pouring out like water overflowing from a bucket.  It was all too much.  I had to save it all in my journal and somehow deal with these things later.  I had yet gained the intellectual maturity to deal with such emotions.  I made secret plans to move away from everything after graduation.  I continued about like a robot, masking my deep contempt for a world I could not come to terms with.      
     
Amidst this drama I did manage to have some great times with my friends, doing all the typical things high school kids do.  My senior year I dated a girl for a couple months named Erin.  Ashley still wrote me occasionally.  There were other girls I had relations with but those two, Ashley and Erin were elevated, sacred characters in my life.  I kept in contact with both of them held closely all of our experiences and anything I ever got from them.  They brought emotions out in me that I never knew existed.  But nothing ever stays the same, and no matter how badly I needed them to be there for me, they were gone in the wind.  Without them all fairy tells were uncovered, myths exposed and pain magnified.  I again approached life self-effacingly, busting my ass at work every night, and repressing every last one of my emotions.  I actually became a really good worker for a brief time!  Still, during that brief period there was nothing keeping me from doing harm to myself or another person.  Fortunately that phase was brief.  During the months of Sept. through Dec. 2,000 I was blessed to be working with two people that unalterably changed and liberated my lowly condition.
     
One blessing was in the form of a Muslim from Gambia, Africa, named Bubbacar Fatty.  With the other being a  Rastafarian from the East Coast.  Both were 25 years of age.  Unique in that they were the first people I had ever encountered in my personal life; who were willing to undertake the enormous task of rejuvenating my battered psyche. They did so with patience, knowledge, and understanding.  Never did they feel threatened, tense or burdened when I laid my psychological bondage upon them.  They provided support for my natural instincts to do right, and question the wrong.  They would have gone to the ends of the earths to help anyone.    
     
Ashley had written me a few times over Chistmas.  I was once again made aware of my restless desire to be with her.  For life to make sense once again as it had before.  I decided to just pick up and leave everything behind.  It had to be done!  I decided to leave and was gone the next day!  First I drove aimlessly through the states that seperated us, till eventually I landed a brief stay with a friend Mike at Duke University.  3 hours from where Ashley lived.  I called and told her the good news.  She quickly hung up on me, and wouldn't answer the phone.  She must of thought I was crazy.  Defeated and heartbroken, I retreated back to the camouflage of my one room apartment in Lee's Summit
     

     
 

There will be those that close their eyes, and plug their ears with their forefingers, and later swear upon their Holy Bibles to have seen no evil and heard no evil.  

Eldridge Cleaver

In America, the Jews (in power) sap the very life-blood of the so-called Negroes to maintain the state of Isrea
 

Don Seer

Re: First Known and Recorded Muslim on American So
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2002, 09:12:41 PM »
ohh estephan was real.. u ever see the cartoon 'cities of gold' ?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by 1034398800 »
 

Political Gangsta

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Re: First Known and Recorded Muslim on American So
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2002, 09:21:21 PM »
     Fortunately my friend Jeff got me my job back at Wall-Mart.  I had all but lost my will to live.  I just sat on the floor in my department at Wall-Mart.  Feeling paralyzed, unable to get up and face the world for another moment. Lamont and even some of the rap artists I'd listened to growing up had spoke about these hard times in life, but it all seemed like talk to me.  They had no solutions  The only thing I had seen real and authentic, and the only person bold enough to speak on my poor, destitute, and alienated position in life was someone like Malcolm X.  And the only person I had met in life that was a Muslim was Bubba.  And he was the most authentic person I had ever met as well.  So I felt like my only chance was maybe if I became a Muslim as well.  Then maybe I could change and save myself.  And it was worth a try, otherwise I had given up.
     I began reading about the religion, scared that I might read something that I couldn't believe.  I was very surprised when I kept reading, and reading, and everything in the religion could be explained.  The most controversial part of Islam.  Is that it allows you to take up arms as a Muslim community, if you are being oppressed, to transgress likewise.  But to never be the aggressor, and that your rancour is not with man, it is against wrong doing and oppression.   This was different from the self-effacing love for your oppressor type of rhetoric in Christianity.  Which often made me look at Christians as spineless, cheeseballs, waffles.  Malcolm X said it is criminal not to tell someone not to defend themselves.   And I believe him.  I was afraid to tell you all about Islam, because I was afraid you'd think I'd end up like Johnny Walker or something.  But it is very simple.  The Muslims that did what they did on 9-11 did it because they felt that the trade towers were a symbol of US and Isreali oppression, their money, their economy, had made it unfair for them to win politically against the two nations.  That is what a small group of Muslims did.  But there are 1 billion Muslims in this world.  Most of which are simply living there faith, working hard, and enjoying their life.  That is what the Muslims are doing here.  And that is what I am doing.  The most I will do is speak out against the transgressions America and Isreal has made against weaker nations.  Muslims are aloud to transgress likewise against an oppressor.  But if there is a better way, then that is what is best for you.  And it says in the Qu'ran never to kill any women or children, and Muhammad never killed any women or children, so this is why many Muslims like myself believe that what suicide bombers are doing in Palestine, and what the Taliban/Al Queda has done is wrong, and against Islam.


 

There will be those that close their eyes, and plug their ears with their forefingers, and later swear upon their Holy Bibles to have seen no evil and heard no evil.  

Eldridge Cleaver

In America, the Jews (in power) sap the very life-blood of the so-called Negroes to maintain the state of Isrea
 

Ant

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Re: First Known and Recorded Muslim on American So
« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2002, 05:20:35 AM »
oh ok i guess we can blame the muslims then for the native american genocide
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by 1034398800 »
 

Political Gangsta

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Re: First Known and Recorded Muslim on American So
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2002, 08:12:18 PM »
Quote
oh ok i guess we can blame the muslims then for the native american genocide


No.  He didn't even stay here.  Read above. Your doing way too much.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by 1034398800 »
 

There will be those that close their eyes, and plug their ears with their forefingers, and later swear upon their Holy Bibles to have seen no evil and heard no evil.  

Eldridge Cleaver

In America, the Jews (in power) sap the very life-blood of the so-called Negroes to maintain the state of Isrea
 

Sikotic™

Re: First Known and Recorded Muslim on American So
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2002, 02:41:54 PM »
Why "fuck Columbus"?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by 1034398800 »
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Woodrow

Re: First Known and Recorded Muslim on American So
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2002, 03:59:49 PM »
Quote
Why "fuck Columbus"?


Because Infinite is going through a "Fuck Establishment" phase in his life.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by 1034398800 »
 

Doggystylin

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Re: First Known and Recorded Muslim on American So
« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2002, 04:07:16 PM »
i seriously heard columbus smoked pot , they say we was goin to india for spices but i think they mean he was lookin for marijuana, they just made it "spices" so lil kids wont go around sayin hey mommy, today we learned columbus found america cause he got stoned and fell on his ass and ended up on america by accident.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by 1034398800 »
 

infinite59

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Re: First Known and Recorded Muslim on American So
« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2002, 06:15:35 PM »
Quote
i seriously heard columbus smoked pot , they say we was goin to india for spices but i think they mean he was lookin for marijuana, they just made it "spices" so lil kids wont go around sayin hey mommy, today we learned columbus found america cause he got stoned and fell on his ass and ended up on america by accident.


LOL.... interesting
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by 1034398800 »
 

Trauma-san

Re: First Known and Recorded Muslim on American So
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2002, 09:06:27 AM »
Quote


Because Infinite is going through a "Fuck Establishment" phase in his life.


LOL
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by 1034398800 »
 

Instant_Killa

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Re: First Known and Recorded Muslim on American So
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2002, 10:51:47 AM »
Quote


LOL.... interesting

« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 04:00:00 PM by 1034398800 »