The Fastest Gun's In The West, 15 page script!!!

[bez]

Take a looky and tell me what you think.  I am trying to get this into production in my Media Film and TV class.  Its only 15 pages so I would appreciate peeps reading it and then dropping some feedback.

Thanks.

PDF: http://members.lycos.co.uk/bez2k/TheFastestGunsInTheWest.pdf
TEXT: http://members.lycos.co.uk/bez2k/TheFastestGunsInTheWest.txt

[Throwback]

pretty dope.

[white Boy]

someones gonna steal it!!!!

[*Jamal*]

Thanks 

[bez]

Anybody read it and got any replies?

[Doggystylin]

i will definitlet read it and give you feedback later today

[bez]

cheers mate.

[Now_Im_Not_Banned]

Jamal still reads this board, you know...

[Trauma-san]

It's decent, but all I can tell you critically is how I would have done it different.  Stephen King himself doesn't even write the way I would write, but of course Stephen King is a much better writer than me... what I'm trying to say is, my advice is nothing more than my advice.  It may be right, it may be wrong.

Anyways, the BIGGEST problem with the story, in my opinion, is that Hang 'Em twice's gimmick is rediculous.  Nobody would do that.  It doesn't make any sense, and it draws the reader's mind away from the story, trying to figure out if it's possible to hang somebody twice, if he'd get caught hanging somebody twice, why they didn't cut the people down, etc.  The only way to save that gimmick, in my opinion, is to make Hang 'Em twice a character who's desperate for attention, so he comes up with a gimmick, although it's not very good.  You could have Samuel say something like

"See, Hang 'Em Twice was just a small town hustler, but he thought if he could come up with a good nickname, maybe folks would take him for serious... so, not being too bright, he comes up with that "Hang 'Em Twice" gimmick.  Oh lord, it caused him all kinds of trouble.  It's one thing to be mean, but one time in Pokahonte he came back, and the kin folk had done cut the bodies down and buried 'em!  Hang 'Em Twice ended up makin' the poor undertaker dig 'em both back up at gunpoint so he could rope 'em up and live up to his nickname"

Or something like that.  LOL  See, in that instance, it would flesh out the character and make the gimmick make sense.... by not having it make sense.  In my opinion everyone that reads it is gonna think that's a STUPID idea for a gunslinger to try and do, so you'd have to make Hang 'Em Twice have problems with it to make it realistic.

Again, that's just how I'd do it, it may be better or worse.  Pretty professional product though, good luck with it!  You oughta make some novels or something with those characters, they could be fleshed out significantly. 

[Trauma-san]

Oh, the bullets hitting each other idea was kinda gimmicky, too.  I dunno if I'd do that.  It wouldn't prove how great of a gunslinger they are, anyways, because the trajectory of the bullets wouldn't cross paths on the way to each others chests (which they'd be aiming for)... so the only way that would happen is if one of them fucked up and was about to miss his target, and accidentally shot the other bullet out of the air.  Two perfect shots wouldn't cross paths.... and, gunslingers don't fire just one shot.  So, you might want to put another line in

"Why'd they only fire one shot, Samuel?"

"There's a lotta respect between them two, they got history"

[bez]

Proper appreciate that mate, thanks alot.

Hang Em Twice's character is that he is that sick and that twisted thats just what he does.  He gets kicks out of hanging his victims and then returning the next day/night and doing it again.  Its his way of trying to be the baddest motherfucking outlaw in the west.  I do understand what you are sying with him though, the bit of dialogue you typed could be very useful to me if I wanna re/write or add to it...with your permission can I save that bit you typed and maybe alter/modify it to fit in with the story.

Thanks alot for actually sitting there and reading it though because what I did need from this post was one of two good replies, at least I got one.  Thanks for saying it was professional and for the moral boost with the "You oughta make some novels or something with those characters, they could be fleshed out significantly", line...that was cool.

As for the bullets in the air thing and the whole bullet hitting each other saga.  That was done to add an effect of respect, professionalism, and in the end kinda an ultimatum. 

Once the bullets had been fired and had hit in mid air they could of stopped, they had nothing to prove...it was just there to show that if they really wanted too they could of given up the "Only Outlaw" title and headed off into different directions but they couldnt leave it.  It was just to basically show that actually firing one shot each and the bullets hitting each other means nothing, there was only to be one outlaw leaving the street alive.

I once again though understand what you mean, again thats a good line to put it.  The point in the 10 paces though was to turn and fire a single shot each, its who draws and shoots the fastests win...or at least thats the way I was portraying it.  Good advice though mate.

Thanks alot Trauma, appreciated.

[bez]

One good change I was actually thinking about making myself is the end scene.  Instead of the handkerchief blowing onto the graves, Samuel could take a photo of him, the old lady and the 2 boys when they where kids and he could drop that onto the graves instead.  It would show that they used to be a family more...and it would show more in depth that Samuel was their father.

[Doggystylin]

Man, props on that, it was written very nicely, i could picture everything but the guy hanging them twice, i didnt get how we would hang them twice, would he hang them, and say naw i wanna hang em somewhere else, lol why, no one would know that he hung em somewhere else first

and the one shot dude, you need to make it clear how he could kill people with one bullet, cuz once a bullet is in the human flesh i dont see how it would ricashade or somethin and hit someone else, so be more clear on that.

and when that seamus guy asks samuel, "whats his past?" that doesnt sound very natural, i would go with somethin like, so whats the deal with him, or whats his story, you know.

besides those, it was great, you exceeded my expectations specially at a western movie, which i think is hard to make interesting nowdays.

[Suga Foot]

Jamal still reads this board, you know...

oh fuck, not this again. lol.

[*Jamal*]

Thanks 

Jamal still reads this board, you know...

 

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