Sex Positions lol

[mrtonguetwista]

Sex Positions


3-EYED TURTLE
Basically, you plug every orifice of a girl in the following manner: thumb in ass, fingers in pussy, and dick in mouth.

ANGRY DRAGON
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

ARABIAN GOGGLES
A seldom seen manoeuvre where you sit on her forehead with your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head.

BALLSACKING
While you are straddling her, take your nut sack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

BLUMPY
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

BROWN NECKTIE
You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling her shitter with your demon-seed, you pull out and proceed to tittie-fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the fun-bags.

CHILLI DOG
You take a shit on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty-fuck her.

COLD LUNCH
The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.

COP'S DELIGHT
The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her rear-end, thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut.

COUCH BOMBING
When you fill a small Ziploc sandwich bag with Crisco (or your favourite lubrication) and place it between the cushions on the couch. You then proceed to fuck the couch as if it were a woman...without the need to buy It dinner first

CUM GUZZLING SPERM BURPING BITCH
After blowing a hot, steamy load down the back of the girl's throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your favourite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.

DAISY CHAIN
Partner (A) is sucking off or eating out partner (B) who is sucking off or eating out partner (C) and so on until the final person is sucking off or eating out partner (A). Partners can be gay, lesbian or straight.

DAVEY CROCKETT
A sexual manoeuvre in which you slip muscle relaxants into your gal's vagina, then slide your head in, thus wearing your partner's now-relaxed snatch-fur as a coonskin cap. Can come in handy on those cold winter nights.

DIRTY SANCHEZ
A time honoured event in which while laying the bone doggie-style, you insert your finger into said woman's asshole, pull it out, wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin, shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name would be Dirty Sanchez.

DIRTY SWIRLY
While boning a chick doggie style near a toilet (preferably one filled with a healthy load of shit, or some hot piss, or both), stick her head in the toilet and flush...she'll dig it.

DOG IN A BATHTUB
This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

DONKEY PUNCH
Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked-out so that her asshole tightens up.

DVDA
The abbreviation for "double-anal, double-vaginal". This is the term used when a girl takes four cocks in two holes. A hard-core porn industry speciality.

FELCHING
A gay activity where one fag fucks another fag in the ass and then sucks the jizz out with a straw. Only included for those of you who are considering going to jail.

FISHHOOK
You pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.

FLAMING AMAZON
When screwing some chick, right when you're about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then proceed to extinguish the flames with your jizz!

FLOODING THE CAVE
Inserting the penis into a woman's pussy and then urinating inside her. Applies to butt pirates as well.

FUR BALL
You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of a 70's afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to beat the piss out of her.


GLASS BOTTOM BOAT
Putting cling wrap over your partners face and proceeding to lay a hot shit on it.

GOBSTOPPER
With two hands, spread your tramp's anus open, then spit a big-ass loogie down the asshole then close it back up. You can give her a smack on the ass when you're done, if you want.

GREEK
The act of using your "glue stick" and gluing your gal's eyes closed with your man-seed. E.g. "Hey guys, check it out, I just Greeked her!" or "Sorry honey, but you asked for the Greek salad."

HAM & CHEESE SANDWICH
Eating a woman's box after you ejaculate all over it. A delightful, tasty combination of her yummy meat curtains with your added cheesy topping is sure to appeal to anyone's appetite.

HERSHEY HIGHWAY
When plugging your girl in the ass, you run into some hot diarrhoea. Don't hurt her feelings by getting grossed out though, just pretend it's extra lube.

HIGH DIVE
The skill of pulling your cock all the way out of your partner's hole and in one motion jamming it home again. Best suited for use in the anus, but can be very dangerous.

HOGGING
While intoxicated, high, or just plain desperate, you go searching for the fattest bitch you can find and proceed to ride her like a Harley. Best accomplished with large groups of friends.

HOLE IN ONE
The act of sticking your dick in your own ass. Just try not to get a huge boner once it's in, or you'll get a nice snapparoo.

HOT KARL
The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who moments earlier was balls deep in her shitter.

HOT LUNCH
While receiving head from a woman, you proceed to shit on her chest.

JELLY DONUT
Give some skank a facial and follow it up with a swift pimp-crack in the nose. The resulting blood and jizz that covers her face bears a resemblance to a jelly donut.

KICK-FUCKING
The act of receiving sexual pleasure from repeatedly getting kicked in the ass.

MONROE TRANSFER
When you and your partner connect each others assholes with a tube. One defecates through the tube, thus transferring the turds to the rectum of the other.

MOSES
A man who enjoys going down on a woman during her period. Derived from the Biblical figure Moses, who parted the Red Sea.

MUSHY BISCUIT
Choose a piece of food that you and your mates like to eat. Then you and your buddies form a tight circle around the food item and proceed to jerk off all over it. Last one to bust a nut gets the prize of eating the food.

NEW JERSEY MEAT HOOK
The unusual method of inserting your finger in the ass of your partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is most effective from behind.

NEW YORK style TACO
Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you throw-up on her box. Happy trails.

PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY SANDWICH
Shit on a woman's snatch during menstruation. Proceed to munch. Mmm! Mmm! Crunchy or smooth...depending on what you've been eating.

PINK GLOVE
This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

PIRATE'S TREASURE
While fucking your girl in the ass, you strike a hefty load of shit. After you've found this buried treasure deep in her booty, you scream, "Argh!" like a pirate.

PUERTO RICAN FOG BANK
While 69ing with your partner, release a cloud of sphincter fog directly into her nostrils.

PURPLE MUSHROOM
This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar a to purple mushroom.

QUEEF
A well known, but sometimes embarrassing occurrence. Queefing happens when air gets trapped in a girls vagina, and makes a soft hissing, or farting sound when the air is released.

RAY BANS
Put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. It may be anatomically impossible, but it is definitely worth a try.

REAR ADMIRAL
When getting a chic from behind (both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your hips into her backside.

RESUSCITATION
When a girl is asleep, carefully open her mouth so that she doesn't awake. Then, squat over her face and carefully place your shit hole on her lips. When the time is right, you let rip the biggest, baddest fart ever known to man and see if it wakes her up. Great fun during those long sleepless nights.

RIM JOB
Another name for tossing salad. Focuses on the use of the tongue.

SHIRLEY TEMPLE
Pour a can of lemonade on a girl's menstruating pussy and eat her out.

SKIING
While facing in the same direction, a girl gets between two guys and jerks them both off, thus imitating some hardcore cross-country action.

SNOODLING
When an uncircumcised homosexual pulls his foreskin over the cock of another homo and proceeds to jerk him off. Can be used at as a great derogatory term as in, "You Snoodler!"

SNOWBALL
Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.

SNOWMOBILE
Always a blast. While doing a girl who's on all fours, sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.

SPIT ROAST
While you're plugging some girl's hole doggie style (either up the dirt road or the fun-hole) she's blowing your best friend's cock at the same time, hence simulating a pig on a spit. Very similar to Chinese Finger Cuffs.

STINGY NUT
When a chick isn't worth fucking; pull down her pants, bend her over, and jerk off all over her ass.

SUD N' FUD
When trying to bang a girl, she gives that same old story, "I not that kind of girl.", "I don't fuck on the first date.", "I'm catholic.", "Stop asshole.", etc. etc... After hearing all this bullshit, you whip out your handy bar of soap. Then lather up her armpit (or any other joint you prefer), and proceed to fuck that instead.

SWIMMER'S EAR
When a girl is giving you a good sucking and right before you erupt, you remove yourself from her mouth, place your purple head in her ear, and fill it with some sweet love seed. Hopefully, you will give her an infection.

TEA BAG
To perform the tea bag, have the girl lay flat on her back. Then you squat over her with your hands on your knees, and gently dip your nut sac in and out of her mouth in a motion similar to performing some kind of fucked up yoga exercise.

THE BAIT N' TACKLE
An old Navy trick. Before you go off for a long voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

THE BUCKING BRONCO
An all time classic. You start by going doggy style on a girl and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits or hips as tightly as possible and call her a big fat no-good worthless whore. More than likely, she will try to escape. This will give you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.

THE BUMPKIN
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

THE CANINE SPECIAL
Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

THE CARPET CLEANER
While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.


THE CONCOCTION
First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.

THE CORKSCREW
Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.

THE ELECTRIC CHAIR
Your psycho-bitch girlfriend decides she wants to try something kinky, so she props your stupid naive ass up in a chair, strips you down, and ties you up. After arousing you, she then takes a car battery and clamps two jumper cables to each nut sack. This causes you to have all sorts of synapses, spasms, and convulsions. She then mounts your Frankenstein and proceeds to get electro-fucked.

THE FIRE ISLAND
This consists of telling someone you're going to spunk on their face while they are asleep, only half-jokingly, and then when they don't believe you, doing it just to prove that you're that demented.

THE FISH EYE
From behind, you shove your finger in her ass (or his if you are in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.

THE FLYING CAMEL
As she is lying on her back and you're hammering her from behind, carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. Proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like a coyote. Strictly a class move.

THE FOUNTAIN OF YOU
While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits.

THE HINDENBURG
When some slut who is so bad at oral sex, you're forced to cry "Oh! The humanity!" as her teeth scrape your man tool.

THE HOOVER
When a dirty, talented tramp stuffs you're entire package (balls and all) into her mouth, and blows you with amazing suction power.

THE HOPOATE
Destined to be an Australian classic. Basically, you slip you finger in your partners sphincter at any unexpected an inappropriate moment.

THE HUNTER GATHERER
You and your partner defecate while 69ing. Pretty much self-explanatory.

THE JEDI MIND TRICK
When banging your partner, you repeatedly say to yourself, "I'm NOT fucking you, I'm NOT fucking you," in the hope of preventing premature ejaculation.

THE JUANITA BEAN DIP
While your tramp rides you like a mechanical bull, insert your thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it under her tongue so she can get the full robust taste of the Juanita "special" bean dip.

THE LAND SHARK
The woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously jutting out. Next, the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises them above his head, (thus imitating the dorsal fin of a shark) and begins chanting the theme to Jaws. When given some predetermined signal, the guy sprints toward the girl at full speed with his pelvis out, fin protruding, and rams her dead square in the ass.

THE LORENA BOBBIT
This one is for the ladies. When engaging in some hard core booty sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass around, in an effort to rip his dick off.

THE MOPED
A chick that's a fun ride until your friends see you on it, if you know what I mean.

THE MORK
Made famous by Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy, stick your pinky and ring fingers up a girls ass, then jam your middle and index fingers up her cunt. Please note that this manoeuvre is not complete until you finish it off with a "Nanoo-Nanoo!"

THE MOTORBOAT
While performing oral sex on a girl, flap your lips together on her clit, thus imitating the sound of a motorboat. She'll love you forever.

THE MUNG
Obtain a female that has been dead for 2-3 days (the time period since death is important). Then place your mouth just outside her vaginal opening. Have a friend jump on her stomach, and try to catch as much stuff that comes out as you can in your mouth.

THE POPCORN TRICK
Take your girlfriend to the cinema for a nice romantic date. Buy a tub of popcorn, wait until the lights dim, and carefully make a hole in the bottom on the tub. Then, inconspicuously insert your penis through the bottom of the tub into the popcorn and casually offer some to your bitch. When she digs in, she will find a nice surprise. Who doesn't love buttered popcorn?

THE RAM
Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.

THE RODEO
Similar to the Bronco. You start once again, banging a chick from behind. At a pre-arranged time you grab her hair with one hand just as several buddies bust into the room. See if you can hang on for 8 seconds cowboy. Yee Haw!

THE ROSE CREEPER
Seductively brush a beautiful long stem red rose against your sweetheart's neck, breasts, and inner thigh. Slowly rub the rose along her smooth skin as you tenderly kiss her entire body. After working her into the mood for some deep love making, unzip your fly and pull out your raging boner. Begin to punish-fuck her dumper while whipping her with the rose and screaming nasty obscenities at her. I bet she never saw that coming.

THE RUSTY TROMBONE
This is what happens when you've got a less then respectable female tongue-deep in your chute. She wiggles her tongue as she does the reach around to pump you like a Catholic priest doing an alter boy, thus mimicking a trombone player.

THE SCREWNICORN
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

THE SEATBELT
While one fag straddles his partners cock, he receives a blowjob from the fruitcake on the bottom.

THE SNUFF
Lovingly fuck the shit out of your virgin or ragging girlfriend and wipe your bloody member across her face. Take a couple Polaroids, show them to your friends, and brag that you're a snuff film superstar.

THE STRANGER
Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand-job from someone else.

THE WALRUS
After spunking in a girl's mouth, you pinch the center of her two lips together and hold her nose. This will force the cum to dribble out of the sides of her mouth, thus the teeth of the walrus.

THE WOODY WOODPECKER
When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap the head of your cock on her forehead.

THE ZOMBIE MASK
While getting head from your favourite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those pretty little eyes when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good week's worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead.

TOSSING SALAD
Another prison act where one person is forced to basically chow asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available. For example peanut butter, jam, olive oil, etc.

TROPICAL WIND
When getting your asshole eaten out by a worthless tramp, you break wind.

TUNA MELT
You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be the time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spurts, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.

WAKE-UP CALL
Waking up in the middle of the night with the hard-on of your life. You then turn to your sleeping partner and dry fuck her ass into oblivion. The clincher to performing a wake-up call is to act like nothing of the sort happened in the morning. For example, "Sweetheart, what's that on your back?"

WESTERN GRIP
When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use, hence, western 

[QuietTruth]

I'm mad you posted this. LMFAO!

BALLSACKING
While you are straddling her, take your nut sack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

What in the hell?!

LMFAO!

[mrtonguetwista]

Why you mad? lol

SNOWMOBILE
Always a blast. While doing a girl who's on all fours, sweep out her arms so she falls on her face

[MANBEARPIG.]

FLAMING AMAZON
When screwing some chick, right when you're about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then proceed to extinguish the flames with your jizz!



HAHHAHAHA

[Sikotic™]

I stopped at the "Angry Dragon".

[herpes]

whats this a list of.... sexual positions half the dubcc has tried on your sister ?

[mrtonguetwista]

whats this a list of.... sexual positions half the dubcc has tried on your sister ?

you bastard lol

[Lake Titicaca]

I only read one and it happened to be the Peanut Butter and Jelly 

[QuietTruth]

Why you mad? lol

I'm not acutally mad nigga

HERSHEY HIGHWAY
When plugging your girl in the ass, you run into some hot diarrhoea. Don't hurt her feelings by getting grossed out though, just pretend it's extra lube

That's fuckin' nasty.


THE WOODY WOODPECKER
When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap the head of your cock on her forehead.

What the fuck. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Where do people come up wit this shit?

[QuietTruth]

LMFAO at Kain.

[WestCoasta]

props

I remember a few of these from high school.... like the chili dog HAHA!

[Teddy Roosevelt]

whats this a list of.... sexual positions half the dubcc has tried on your sister ?

you bastard lol

LOL. This shit is nasty as fuck.

[BIGG-A]

what a fuckin list. Props

[The 18th Letter]

hahah thoose are fucked up, have anyone actually tried anyone of thoose? hahah

[Bedford Iz Active]

hahah thoose are fucked up, have anyone actually tried anyone of thoose? hahah

Homie the odds that someone would have actually tried these wacky positions, plus actually have a gyal that would allow this all is -95%...But if someone does it and tapes it, they deserve a million props alone lol.