Top 10 Chuck Norris Facts

[Lunatic]

LMAO i always have loved all the chuck norris jokes

[AnybodyKilla]

Someone post up more, these are 2 funny!!!

[M Dogg™]

All I know is only one man can beat Chuck...

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/JLO1YIWQuXE" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/JLO1YIWQuXE</a>

[M Dogg™]

of course Chuck did better than Jackie Chan against Bruce Lee...

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/7hu6NoRR7pg" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/7hu6NoRR7pg</a>

[Now_Im_Not_Banned]

All I know is only one man can beat Chuck...

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/JLO1YIWQuXE" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/JLO1YIWQuXE</a>

Man, that's before the beard...shit doesn't count.



Chuck's son went to my school though...LOL.

[Now_Im_Not_Banned]

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/l8k3uGzgZIs" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/l8k3uGzgZIs</a>

[Now_Im_Not_Banned]

When Chuck does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team"... not even close.

Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

Chuck Norris invented the internet... just so he had a place to store his porn.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes...and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

[Now_Im_Not_Banned]

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

The 11th commandment is "Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris" This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take *beep* from anybody.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris ... dies.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one

You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you're Chuck Norris

No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''

On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

Who let the dogs out...? Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady...just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb

When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.

Chuck Norris invented the apple.

Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.

Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.

Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

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If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!

Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.

P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris' paradise is war.

Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.

Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.

Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.

Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.

Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.

Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.

Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.

The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.

The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.

Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.

On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.

See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.

Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.

Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.

If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.

Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.

You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

Chuck norris invented the corndog.

The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Chuck Norris belives the hype.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.

Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.

Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.

Chuck Norris can dribble a football.

Chuck Norris' IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.

Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.

During the filming of the Total Gym infomercial, Christie Brinkley messed up a line. Chuck Norris then impaled her with a Total Gym.

People often talk about the Invisible Hand that keeps the economy in harmony. We should thank Chuck Norris for this. His hand is invisible because Chuck is modest.

Brawny Paper Towels originally intended Chuck Norris to be their spokesman. They decided against it, however, because their product could not handle Chuck Norris's messes.

When Chuck Norris is your lawyer, he will win the case, always.

Chuck Norris has bed sheets that are made from 60 grade sandpaper.

Chuck Norris bench presses gravity.

Chuck Norris can get checkmate in one move.

Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.

Chuck Norris was recently credited with finding a new race of people living in his chest hair.

Jet Li's Given Chinese name translates to "Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris thought Arnold's movie "Commando" was lacking in senseless killings.

Chuck Norris and Dick Cheney once went hunting. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris was created in a test tube with the semen from a ninja, a lumberjack, and a pirate. This is why in his spare time he has been known to roundhouse kick down trees, build a pirate ship out of them, and proceed to plunder a small village.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris appeared briefly on the Apprentice. When he was being fired by Donald Trump, Norris cut him off by saying, "Shut it you *beep* and roundhouse kicked him in the throat.

Chuck Norris used to eat nothing but habanero peppers with tabasco sauce for dinner until one day those pussy peppers gave him frostbite. He now eats molten lava breakfast, lunch and dinner. Asian babies for dessert.

Chuck Norris once claimed that Clear Pepsi, "was for queers." The following day, Pepsi pulled the product from shelves.

Chuck Norris knows whether the moon landings were fake or not.

Chuck Norris was only in a wheel chair once in his life... so he could take down Steven Hawking fairly.

Chuck Norris is the only person in history that is able to break another mans sweat.

Chuck Norris can drink diamonds and eat water

In games, your base are belong to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris starts off every morning by eating a crippled baby's soul. Then he spends his afternoons making cup holders out of their remains.

There is no such thing as shooting stars, only people who have been roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses his forehead as a flyswatter... and he has never missed.

If Chuck Norris was a hooker, he would make more than every hooker in history.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever beat Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. Chuck Norris won by picking up the whole table of hot dogs and eating them all in one bite, leaving none for his competition. To help the hot dogs go down easier, he ate the 400 pound fat guy next to him. Chuck Norris was then banned from eating hot dogs or fat people ever again.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.

Chuck Norris once destroyed Tokyo for fun, but was able to rebuild it in a matter of milliseconds.

It is written that the Apocalypse Age would be ushered in by four horsemen: Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, and Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris want to eat, caring mothers offer their children as sacrafices to him in the hopes that he will make them another.

Chuck Norris was the real Wizard of Oz. He provided Dorothy with those magic slippers. Then he raped her.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris stuck a grand piano up his ass.

The Trail of Tears is actually just a nickname for the sidewalk from Chuck Norris's front door to the street down which many disappointed women have trodden the morning after a one night stand.

The original design for the Total Gym included a Chuck Norris robot that would roundhouse kick the user in the face if they stopped working out.

When Chuck Norris tans, everyone around him gets ten times darker and eventually dies from cancer.

Chuck Norris was taking and evening stroll in a local neighborhood when a mountain spring water truck slammed in to a retarded child playing in the street. Chuck Norris rushed to the scene, destroyed the driver, and resurrected the child making him normal again. This event is celebrated as a show on TV called Captain Planet.

Chuck Norris tugs on Superman's cape/ Chuck Norris spits into the wind/ Chuck Norris pulls the mask off the 'ole Lone Ranger/ And Chuck definitely messes around with Jim.

Ask not what Chuck Norris will do for a Klondike bar, ask what the Klondike bar will do for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was in pre-school, his teacher taught him the lyrics and motions to "I'm a Little Teapot." Chuck was so offended by the thought of his teacher calling him a teapot, he roundhouse kicked her to the face. He then continued to eat her flesh and and construct an exact replica of the Eifel Tower with her bones.

Chuck Norris' orgasms produce an electromagnetic pulse in a 30 mile radius.

Chuck Norris doesn't tie his shoes, they know they better just hang the *beep* on.

Chuck Norris once had a myspace, but once he found out he couldn't E-Roundhouse kick spammers, he deleted his account, the entire site AND the users.

Chuck Norris lives by the motto, "A roundhouse a day, keeps the doctor away." This is unfortunate for Chuck Norris' closest friends and family, most of whom are either dead or dying.

Chuck Norris is immortal.

Chuck Norris' beard isn't hair. It is actually solidified testosterone.

If you stare Chuck in the eyes, he will make your soul go up in flames.

For every hour a plane ride takes, Chuck Norris can get to the destination in that many steps.

The reason the oceans are salty is because Chuck Norris masturbated in it once, in 1968.

Chuck Norris eats coal and poops diamonds.

When Chuck Norris looks into a mirror, the world is in twice as much danger

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Area 51 is Chuck Norris' home address.

Chuck Norris eats sheet metal and *beep* out mid-sized SUVs.

Chuck Norris actually speaks three languages: English, Pain, and Death. He is currently working on a fourth language, Dismemberment, and is doing quite well.

When they say "it's raining cats and dogs," Chuck Norris is probably just visiting the local animal hospital

In 2005, Chuck Norris forced Vatican clergy to rewrite the Bible to include all the benefits of working out with the Total Gym.

Chuck Norris is God's apology for creating Mexicans.

Chuck Norris was going to serve as a sideman for Sting's solo career, but decided that, "It was never meant to be." He then proceeded to stab Elliot Smith.

The Bubonic Plague was Chuck Norris's way of saying "I hate England."

When Chuck Norris needed a bit of privacy and peace, he created the Black Plague.

Chuck Norris's heart beats twice per day. That's all he needs.

Chuck Norris combs his hair with the teeth of a mighty lion.

It is widely known that Houdini died when a kid punched him in the stomach. What isn't widely known is that kid was Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' beard is the inspiration for modern day steel wool.

The Vietnam memorial is not a list of people who died in Vietnam, but actually a list of people who died over a fourth of July holiday when someone drank Chuck Norris' Tequila.

Death came for Chuck Norris in 1992, Chuck then roundhouse kicked Death in the face saying, "I decide when people die".

Mammoths frozen in the arctic wastes weren't trapped under the ice by accident. They were trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

The line in Star Wars, "May the force be with you.", was originally "May Chuck Norris be with you.", but Chuck Norris threatened to sue.

Chuck Norris was so mad when he found out Santa wasn't real, he invented Hanukkah.

Oil prices only go up when Chuck Norris is thirsty.

Chuck Norris was the first person to climb Mount Everest. Naked.

Chuck Norris beat Pac-Man in both senses of the word.

Chuck Norris single handedly ended World War II with two Roundhouse Kicks. You might know them as Atomic Bombs.

Chuck Norris created the Gulf of Mexico AND the huge crater of Arizona by punching the ground.

Chuck Norris was once forced to attend a wedding he didn't want to go to. He roundhoused the groom, *beep* his mother, the bride, her mother, the bridesmaids and drunk the bar dry. No one forces Chuck to do anything without a little payback.

All men where created equal. Then Chuck Norris was born.

Chuck Norris opened Pandora's Box, looked at its contents, and then closed it. Disappointed.

The chemical properties of Chuck Norris' blood are unknown, because it destroys whatever is used to test it.

Gravity only exists because Chuck Norris allows it to.

Megiddo is another word for Chuck Norris.

What happens when an entire nation rises against Chuck Norris? Ask the citizens of Atlantis.

Every single person who has ever quoted "Napolean Dynamite" is now on Chuck Norris' list. Chuck Norris hates that *beep* movie.

When Chuck Norris *beep* it causes mud slides in Mexico.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Ice isn't cold water; it's water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.

After seeing the movie Delta Force, God came up with idea for the Holy Trinity: Father, Chuck Norris, and Holy Ghost. Jesus would later replace Chuck, because Chuck said it was ridiculous to believe in ghosts.

In an attempt to bolster ratings during sweeps week in 1988, CNN began referring to itself as the "Chuck Norris Network" and actually hired a bearded anchorman named Wolf Blitzer as a mascot for the "new" network. However, they were forced to change back to the "Cable News Network" after Norris kidnapped Ted Turner and tortured him with karate chops to the ribs for 5 straight days. Amazingly, Wolf Blitzer is still loved today by news viewers across the world.

The Vietnam memorial is not a list of people who died in Vietnam, but actually a list of people who died over a fourth of July holiday when someone drank Chuck Norris' Tequila.

Chuck Norris can win a soccer game with only using his hands.

Chuck Norris' shadow looked at him funny one day so he roundhoused his shadow in the face. He no longer has a shadow.

Chuck Norris is like a Magic 8 Ball, if you shake him he'll answer any question right. Too bad you can't shake Chuck Norris.

The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.

Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.

Chuck Norris contracted every STD known to man, just to show that STD's are for pussies.

When asked, "Do you know the muffin man?"

Chuck Norris replies, "The Muffin Man?" Then eats the face of whoever is asking.

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle has been made certain by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was kicked out of the Power Rangers because each of the Rangers were named after a color and he was the only one named after a state.

Chuck Norris hates internet piracy but he also loves his fans. If he ever catches you downloading episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger, you're *beep*

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

huck Norris eats his cereal out of the bottom of Terri Schiavo's skull.

Chuck Norris donates organs, not his own though.

Chuck Norris once entered a sandcastle building competition. Upon seeing his engineering skills, all of his competitors joined Team Norris. We now know of their work as the Ancient Pyramids at Giza

Babies don't cry when they are born because a doctor slaps them on their butt. They cry because every baby is born with the innate fear of the fact that Chuck Norris still roams the Earth.

In fifth grade Chuck Norris was the one to explain the birds and the bees to his classmates. Too bad he did it on show and tell day and knocked up his teacher.

Chuck Norris went on a date with Terri Schiavo. She stated that Chuck was a "terrible actor", and refused to sleep with him. The term "persistent vegetative state" was invented the next day.

Chuck Norris killed his brother by causing Shaken Baby Syndrome when he was 12. Chuck was 5.

Chuck Norris can kill a man in a rap battle.

Some people consider eating bread dipped in human blood barbaric. Chuck Norris calls it fondue.

A man once told Chuck Norris there was no wrong way to eat a reeses. Chuck Norris promptly showed him that there was by killing the man's wife with it.

While often cited as the most powerful force in the universe, Chuck Norris concedes that there is a more powerful force: Chuck Norris riding on the back of a North American Bobcat.

After Chuck Norris has consumed all human and animal life, he will eat himself. Only after that would Chuck consider eating vegetables.

Chuck Norris had been the first action star approached to be the original Terminator. They filmed over 90% of the movie with Chuck, but had to scrap it in the end because Chuck was just too indestructible and test audiences simply couldn't believe he could be bested by Linda Hamilton.

Chuck Norris is really a robot, built with human-like emotion chips.He has two programs: One being anger, and the other solving problems with round house kicking solutions.

All techno music is based on the different beats of Chuck Norris's heart.

Chuck Norris' bologna has no first name.

Chuck Norris defeated the Southern states of America single handedly in the civil war out of blind rage because the entire south called his beard gay. After he roundhoused kicked every southerner in the head he answered, "No one messes with the beard retards."

Anything you can do Chuck Norris can do better.

When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

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