can u guyz pls check out this ryme...

[DeaDSouLjaH]

well this is my first ryme and is open for criticism..
could u please point out the errors.. this is directed against blade.. but him and me are real close friends though..
anyway here it is:-

blade, u so blunt like ur rymes, i cant stand rymin against u/
all ur worthless rymes just to be flushed down the loo/
this is deadsouljah, the lyrical master/
comin str8 from the depths of hell taunting the only rookie on the roster/
these rymes splatterin all over your face/
explodin on impact blowin ur body to tid bits, ur rymes a total disgrace/
my rymes matchin u for each word with pin point accuracy/
so itz time for u to bow down and surrender to me with all sincerity/
if u think u gonna ever win a battle of words with me/
i am gonna slay u into half with all my tenacity/

[bLaDe]

Yo that wuz nice,  but try evening out the bars a lil, and adding more stuff, like try explaning bout the subject a little more, expanding on it ...

 -{bLaDe}

[maxi-padz]

u gtoz potential.. do what i said homie...
peace
~1~

[infinite59]

Like Blade said.  Try evening out your bars.  Try using more metaphors.  This is just a suggestion, but I believe you either got to be hardcore, or philisophical and use alot of vocab.  You either got to insult someone's intellect, or spit hardcore shit at them, to show them your iller than they are.  This was a short rhyme.  There isn't a whole lot to say about it.  Keep spittin.  You got potential.  peace.