Author Topic: Deep thoughts by jack handy (Read 215 times)

Jaydc555 · « **on:** April 03, 2009, 04:13:15 PM »

If you don't know this segment...well I just have to shake my head.here's some of my favorites.feel free to comment and post some of yours. Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.”. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”. My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”. “Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.". “What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”. “I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.”. “If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”. “Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.”. “It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”. “When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”. “I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!”. “To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks. “If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say”. I'll never forget the time I got caught stealing watermelons from old Mr. Barnslow's watermelon patch. I was with my friend Bobby. We were giggling so hard I thought I'd wet my pants! At first we tried to steal two watermelons each, but they were too heavy and we dropped them, and that made us laugh even harder. Finally, we each picked out a good one, and we were just about to sneak back through the fence when we heard a low, deep voice behind us. "Just where do you think you're going with those watermelons?" I gulped and turned around. It was old Mr. Barnslow, pointing his shotgun at us. Bobby dropped his watermelon, then pulled out the .38 revolver he kept in his waist, turned, and fired. But the turning must have thrown off his aim, because the shot only hit Mr. Barnslow in the thigh. Mr. Barnslow immediately fired both barrels at Bobby. One blast of buckshot missed entirely, but the other tore into Bobby's shoulder. He tried to fire back, but his shoulder was so torn up he couldn't raise his arm. Just as he was trying to switch to his left hand, Mr. Barnslow ran up and cracked him across the face with the butt of his shotgun. Bobby fell to the ground in a heap. Mr. Barnslow raised the butt of his gun to finish him off, but just then Bobby pulled out his hunting knife and plunged it into the farmer's big white belly. After that, I don't think I stole watermelons for at least a year. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo flying across in front of a beautiful sunset. And he has a beautiful rose in his beak. And also he is carrying a very beautiful painting in his feet. And also, you're drunk. The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes. I was taking my little nephew to disneyland, but i decided to play a mean trick. i pulled up next to an old, burned down warehouse. "Oh no," i said. "Disneyland burned down." He started crying, and i was about to tell him it was all a joke and drive to the real disneyland, but it was getting kinda late