It's May 04, 2024, 05:02:29 AM
You'll get well just control your mind and focus on positive, the world is twisted added to mental illness & substance abuse makes it crazier.So breathe in & out.We all go through anxiety, depression, questions & paradoxes but gotta keep your had up.You don't have to name the rapper but what was your issue? Why did u feel the way you felt? What dots did you connect to come to that conclusion aside it being a hallucination?As you mention Medium I see you are also interested in spirituality, religion,etc. At the end of the day we gotta keep calm, row your boat & go with the flow, we still not really know anything either about ourselves or all the higher dimension stuff so..keep the faith. Everything happens for a reason.I could write all day but its too much.Feel free to reply.
Firstly I want to thank you for your supportive replyThe first thing you mentioned was to breathe and this may seem daft but controlled breathing exercises have become a saving grace for meThe ability to calm oneself physiologically through deep breathing techniques has eased my discomfort of late and it's a favourite skill when distressedIn relation to the hallucinations the character in question was WC and I've been hallucinating him since 2011 beginning with hearing him rappin death threats in my mind to me to the point I was so scared I went to sleep with my mother at the age of 29In relation to the hallucination I'm referencing here that episode actually started off amorously where my tactile hallucinations came into playOn another note, given the opportunity to reflect in a low risk environment I recall watching a documentary on modern day slavery in the west around the time of that episode and although I'm not certain I'm wondering if that could have triggered the whole white slave thingIn my hallucinations I had tasks such as cooking and cleaning and I remember quite vividly having to tie his daughter's shoe lacesI was going to be delivered to him in a box and hung upside down and beaten into submissionIt was expected I would pleasure his wife and I could smell her perfume which just escalated my vitriol of abuseIn my mind EVERYBODY was in on itThe entire black communityI was pimped out to dirty old men and forced to sleep in a cageI genuinely believed it was going to happenThe police came to my property about a noise disturbance and I told them that my mother had sold me to Ice Cube, Daz Dillinger and WC as a slaveThey simply told me to keep the noise down and leftMental health professionals came to administer medication and I repeated my accusations and asked if I could go to hospitalThey simply said that they try to avoid that and leftMy Psychosis continued until I started to vent online tagging WC posting to Facebook and InstagramI genuinely believed it was realI have come to terms with the fact that I can't reconcile this situation and must deal with the consequencesI'm no longer welcome in certain circlesI've been blocked both online and in real life losing child hood friends along the wayI'm looking for closure but feeling selfish about my guilt because it's about me and my feelings rather than accountabilityI'm in the process of writing my life story and I can see this episode taking up a whole chapter in itselfThanks again for your response
Writing is something that's often mentioned as a great self work but many don't know where to beginAs you mental health issues was there any substance abuse involved before the hallucinating started?Did you ever interact with WC himself or close to them to confirm that you are wrong?
I was drinking prior to my behaviour here and other online platforms but nothing elseAt a later stage WC's business connect contacted me over unwanted interactions but didn't refer to the incidence I'm talking about nowI think the only interaction I had with Dub was a tweet in 2013 and a smiley face on the gramNobody provoked me
How you feeling now? So basically it was a psychosis?
Rehab has helped immenselyI got to see a psychologist weekly for about 6 months aswell as limited but helpful groups centred around wellnessThe opportunity to work on sobriety for a prolonged period of time has helped me realise that although some people can use substances safely I'm just not one of those peopleI'm confident in my sobrietyAfter relapsing in hospital without the contributors of drugs and alcohol the doctor introduced new meds which have helped immenselyIn terms of my fixation on Dub and others, playing a prominent role in my psychosis, I've accepted that I can't amend this and just have to focus on the relationships I can salvage such as familyI've learnt some great skills and lost a lot of bad habits I'm now in the community working with supports and interacting with others on their journey with mental illnessI probably won't frequent here very much because along with my recovery my habits and preferences have changed immensely and I'm more sensitive to negative content than I use to be