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Lyrics To my first Demo Track...Subway... Feedback would really be appreciated.

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|JEM|ILL|:
Subway; Vocals By Babylonz Chyld. (Aka Jemuel) Also, The Hook Is sung, since my singing voice is back!!  ;D

Babylon -

I saw beauty on the subway, she was 17 figures.../
Settled in a heavenly figure,  divine in some way.../
It was sun rays for hair,  skin tone, was the same affair.../
As we exchanged a stair, She was pitching me hooks.../
It was hotter then a arsonist when he fixing to cook.../

Every other day switching her looks, pleasing her eyes../
She was an such an ease to describe, a feast to desire.../
A Queen to the Sire, Her own accent squeezing the fire.../ (Hot...)
Curious looks meeting prior to her dramatic departure..,/
Making the rest look bland, who couldn't try harder.../

HOOK

"Now I'm on my way, to the studio, on the subway..."
'When I see your beautiful eyes...'
'On Me'
'Calling'
'When I hear you beautiful voice...'
'Singing'
'Your songs...'
"I remember the Subway."
Aint no accident that Latin blend of ya satin skin.../
A milky chocolate with the caramel wrapped within.../ (Man...)
Masking men, got'em acting then, well fame is mocking.../
My game is sloppy, Got me straight up yelling out ya name like Rocky.../

Part 1, you know Im hoping there's more parts to this.../
Maybe a little partial kiss, With looks like that girl you too hard to miss.../
My chance to, romance you, a hundred roses, and a dance too.../
You know this kind of attraction only happen when the moon cast blue.../
 
HOOK

"Now I;m on my way, to the studio, on the subway..."
'When I see your beautiful eyes...'
'On Me'
'Calling'
'When I hear you beautiful voice...'
'Singing'
'Your songs...'
"I remember the Subway."
Im thinkin bout adding 2 more bars/ 4 more lines at the end for a hott finnisher what yall think?

bez:
I liked it man, cant wait to actually hear it.

|JEM|ILL|:
anyone gonna critique it or something...come on...lol..some consrtuctive critisism, it was my first attempt at a love song...

Thanks for the feed like always Bez...

Maestro Minded:
that shit was ill.. but you had some fucked up bars, like

It was hotter then a arsonist when he fixing to cook.../

My game is sloppy, Got me straight up yelling out ya name like Rocky.../

thoose bars just dont fit in....

if you edited those bars, it would almost be perfect


GREAT first attempt.. props

|JEM|ILL|:
uppin for some feed please...quit sleepin on a nigga im givin yalls feed

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