Author Topic: French War History (Read 227 times)

Trauma-san · « **on:** November 05, 2003, 03:07:06 PM »

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

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- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

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-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
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- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

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- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
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- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
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-The Dutch War - Tied
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-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
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-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
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- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
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- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
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- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
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- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

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- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
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-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
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- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
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- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
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- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

Z the laidback Virus · « **Reply #1 on:** November 09, 2003, 07:59:55 AM »

So your point is?

Is everything you post desperately trying to convince others of America's supposed superiority?

This isn't a very fair comparison too (as I'm sure you're trying to compare France with America) as:
1. France has a much longer history then the US,thus more time to get beaten on several occasions.
2. In the past, Europe was a much more hostile area then the US,due to many countries and people with imperialistic ambitions.

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due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

jeez,it's quite amazing that such an incompetent person could conquer nearly all of Europe.

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Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

Look at that people!Trauma tries to be funny,while this is a completely over-nationalistic phrase (I'd say racist if it wasn't about other Caucasians). By this single sentence you crush any seemingly unbiased comparisons you might be given credit for.

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the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."

Ever heard about Poitiers? The muslims had conquered all Iberia and part of France till the French defeated them there and prevented Europe ( and indirectly America) from becoming totally under islam. You could be thankful for that.

Also,that "of all things, an Italian" refers to Julius Ceasar,who was a great military strategist and commanded a well-organised,well-trained and well-armoured army,while the Gauls couldn't even get the organisation of their troops "catering" right. It isn't like that Italian was a silly nobody.

your writing has quite some desinformation and wrong comparisons.

I'm not on France's nuts but what you say is plain misleading and terribly biased.