69 Things You Don't Want To Hear On A First Date

[mrtonguetwista]

01. "My Mom says I have to be home by 9:30...so eat fast."

02. "Your favorite movie is like your complexion...shitty."

03. "I like my coffee like I like my women...Puerto Rican."

04. "Know what the fattest part of your body is, cause I sure do!"

05. "Can I see some ID? I ain't going back to jail again."

06. "I pretty much hate ALL people, myself included."

07. "Now the positives to joining the KKK are..."

08. "Here I got you a gift! Open it...it's my ear."

09. "Hi, my name is Scott Petersen."

10. "You know, they should make a version of Sesame Street for adults."

11. "Remind me...why are we on this date? Oh yea. So we can fuck."

12. "Most people have 4 nipples...right?"

13. "9/11 huh? Lets talk about it."

14. "I masturbated throughout the entire blackout last year. Non-stop."

15. "I just corn holed me a homeless man, what did you do today?"

16. "Hurry, or we'll be late for the monster truck show."

17. "Know which law is bullshit...all of them!"

18. "What a lovely smell! What douche do you use?

19. "I do sketch and improv comedy."

20. "Have you ever watched Blues Clues?"

21. "Have you ever watched Blue Clues on Acid?"

22. "Will you excuse me for a moment, my gerbil is gnawing."

23. "I do."

24. "Do you have a band-aid? I think my penis is bleeding."

25. "Are your parents related?"

26. "Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip."

27. "My favorite book? Well, its hard to choose. I love all of Dr. Seuss' work.

28. "Here I got you a gift! Open it...Oh shit, the puppy died."

29. "I'm 24, your 68...who cares, we both got holes!"

30. "This is the song that doesn't end...it just goes on and on my friend..."

31. "So, what's your least favorite minority?"

32. "If you cheat on me...I'll crush you."

33. "Please sign here...and here...and initial here...and sign here. Great, time for dinner."

34. "Yeah, and on Friday nights I play Daddy Mack in a Kriss-Kross tribute band."

35. "I hope your pussy doesn't take as long as you do to get ready."

36. "Next thing you'll tell me is that the Holocaust really happened."

37. "I'm too drunk to NOT drive!"

38. "This is my wife's favorite restaurant."

39. "This scar and this tattoo I got in cell block 41A. 25 to life. Got out after 12 for good behavior. Suckers!"

40. "You should check out my website at http://www.iwannafuckyourbrainsout.com

41. "Know what I like about you? I can't tell where your legs end and your ankles begin?"

42. "I'm thinking about becoming a gynecologist...Can I just see your labia minora for a second."

43. "I can count to 17. Wanna hear?"

44. "I'll have the steak, rare, and Fatty here will get nothing and like it."

45. "What the fuck happened to your face? Were you in a fire?"

46. "Hi, my name is Yakov Smirnov."

47. "What do you mean you're not a transsexual? Look at your hands!"

48. "Just because we met on JDate doesn't mean I'm Jewish."

49. "Do you want to see something swell?"

50. "Wouldn't you rather have LITE Ranch dressing, hmm?"

51. "This one time, at college...I was gay for 4 years! Crazy, huh?"

52. "Yes, the lady will have the #4, with a coke...and I'll have the #1, super sized, please.

53. "I can't beleive you're gonna make me smack-a-bitch tonight."

54. "Here I got you a gift! Open it...it's a scale...and this one goes up to 350Lbs."

55. "Do you have names for your breasts...if not, I've already named them. Fuckbag and Dessert."

56. "No, YOU have the right to remain silent officer!"

57. "Oh, I forgot you said you were an amputee. Guess I'm not getting a hand-job tonight."

58. "Can you hide this in your bag? The fuzz ain't looking for you!"

59. "Whew, one of us needs to shower and it's not me!"

60. "OK, the check came out to [holds out hands] this many!"

61. "My favorite TV show is 'The Jimmy Kimmel show', hands down."

62. "Well, I find Toilet Paper evil for lots of reasons."

63. "What? This black eye? Nope, no story behind that one."

64. "No dessert. Look at her, she don't need it."

65. "You are beautiful...SYKE!

66. "What do you mean you never robbed a liquor store?"

67. "Wanna see my white power tattoos?"

68. "Hey, baby. Don't worry. You'll buy another car one day."

69. "Well, I've wined ya...I've dined ya...when can I 69 ya?

[DAYUM]

lmao

[Enko]

This thread is really gay.

[Da WCC Hopar!]

"Remind me...why are we on this date? Oh yea. So we can fuck."


i like dat 1

[davida.b.]

lmao

[Sikx]

lol @ em, most of them r funny

[...'BfCfC'...]

05. "Can I see some ID? I ain't going back to jail again."

lmao! 

[Jay ay Beee]

24. "Do you have a band-aid? I think my penis is bleeding."

[Trauma-san]

The only one mildly funny is

26. "Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip."

[Entreri117]

44. "I'll have the steak, rare, and Fatty here will get nothing and like it."

LMAO...I love that one!