Need a laugh? Earl Simmons the comedian.

[Drudge]

DMX May be a rapper, but Earl Simmons is a Great Comedian.
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 MORRIS O'KELLY: DMX may be a rapper, but Earl Simmons is a great comedian.
eurweb.com/story.cfm?id=17957

courtesy of www.eurweb.com

Rapper DMX, born as ‘Earl Simmons,’ is a very funny man. In fact, he is the funniest man I know. Well, I don’t know him personally, though we did meet once in front of the House of Blues in L.A. some years ago. Nevertheless, Earl Simmons still qualifies as being the funniest man I know.

Some may speculate that Earl’s career as a rapper/Reebok shoe namesake may be over. That may or may not be true, we shall see. Either way, Earl should be ok because Earl Simmons is a very, very funny man. He has an incredible talent to make people laugh that needs to be recognized.

Earl is a funny hysterically funny man, bordering on comedic genius.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Some of you probably are assuming I’m going to rip Earl apart for his recent transgressions and run-ins with the law.

Well, you’re wrong and I don’t appreciate the negative assumptions. There’s nothing funny about another African-American man being arrested…nothing at all. In fact, I’m insulted that some of you went there.

But…

I will say that every reason WHY Earl has been arrested during his illustrious Hip-Hop career is absolutely hilarious.

Earl Simmons is a hysterically funny man.

June 1999, Earl was arrested and charged with possession of illegal firearms and ammunition. Mind you, this was while he was free on bail in connection to a previous assault charge in Yonkers, NY.

One month later, Earl was arrested in the middle of a concert in Trinidad for allegedly using “obscene language.” Let’s do the math. 3 arrests, 3 months. You go boy.

But I digress…

Earl Simmons…obscene language?

Noooooooo!

You’d think that somebody would’ve done their research. You’d think that either the promoter would have better researched what Earl Simmons did for a living, or Earl’s people would have better researched Trinidadian obscenity laws.

Oops. Guess not.

The public use of obscene language is illegal in Trinidad…just FYI people.

But wait, there’s more…

If 1999 wasn’t already crowded enough, my man Earl was also arrested for possession of illegal drug paraphernalia (read: crack pipes), animal cruelty (read: 13 ill-cared-for pit bulls) a pistol and disorderly conduct (read: acting like an a$$ when the police showed up).

Four arrests, four months.

Moving right along, we’ll just gloss over 2000-2002 when Earl was arrested on various warrants for failure to appear in court for traffic-related offenses. We’ll just skip past those transgressions for the sake of brevity. But let the record reflect that they still happened.

Earl is a funny, funny man.

In July of 2003, Earl was again arrested for using profanity onstage at a concert on the Caribbean island of St. Kitts.

Please re-read the paragraph above…the one that starts with, “You’d think that somebody would have done their research” and insert that text here.

“DMX…let’s go BACK to the Caribbean!”

“ARRRRRRR, don’t think so my man. Got arrested last time. It’s Dark and Hell was Hot. ARF ARF! Where my dogs at?!”

“Your pit bulls got impounded…remember? But it’s cool, I checked it out. We’re going to St. Kitts instead of Trinidad. It’s all good. You can cuss all you want.”

“ARRRRRR, you betta be right. Or y’all gon’ make me lose my mind! ARF! ARF!”

I’m sorry, but that’s funny as hell. Out of ALL the rappers who use profanity in their shows religiously like milk with their cereal, DMX…err, I mean “Earl” is probably the only one on the face of the Earth arrested TWICE in the Caribbean for “profanity.”

That is not just funny, that’s INCREDIBLY funny. That’s absolutely hysterical.

If you’re keeping score at home that’s five arrests in four years, and we’re not even counting the traffic-related arrests for simply deciding not showing up to court for moving violations. So actually, the total is like 8…give or take a few.

When exactly did Earl have time to fit in his Hip-Hop career?

But wait, there’s more…

In June of 2004, Earl was (all together now…) ARRESTED at New York City’s John F. Kennedy Airport for attempted robbery, criminal impersonation, possession of crack cocaine and criminal mischief.

Criminal mischief? That means that Earl was just doing random ‘ish’ that was “criminal-like” in nature. Nothing specific per se, just random “criminal-like ‘ish’”…in addition to the other, specifically criminal ‘ish’ he was doing.

The other ‘specifically criminal’ charges? Glad you asked…

Earl and an ‘associate’ were accused of trying to car-jack an airport patron in the parking lot. Allegedly, Earl tried to pass himself off as a federal agent and then commandeer his car.

“ARRRRRRRR, get out the car! ARRRRRRR, Federal Agent! WHOO!”

“Dude…but you’re DMX!”

“ARRRRRRRR, no I’m not and this is a police emergency! Raise up! Gimme yo’ ride! WHAT! WHAT!”

“But dude…you’re freakin’ DMX. I got all your albums! I’ve seen all your movies! You rock!”

“ARRRRRRRR, y’all gon’ make me act a fool…”

“…Up In Here! See, Dude I knew it was you! Rock on!”

“ARRRRRRR, get at me dog! The name is Simmons…Earl Simmons.”

But wait…there’s more.

“Agent Earl” managed to avoid jail time (now that’s one GREAT lawyer) but turned in his SUV and had his driving privileges suspended. Why they weren’t already suspended is beyond me, but that’s neither here nor there. The court also made it clear that the conditional discharge was dependent upon Earl staying out of trouble for at least a year.

A whole year? Now THAT’S funny. No way in hell…

But wait…there’s even more.

Anyone unfortunately knowledgeable with the legal system knows that if you want to serve someone papers, it’s rather easy to find him when he’s appearing in court on felony charges.

Funny how that works…

While agent ’Double-O-Simmons’ was in court trying to structure a plea bargain in September of 2004, he was served with a paternity suit.

Stop it Earl, you’re killing me! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think anything about deadbeat dads is funny in and of itself. But if you let Earl Simmons impregnate you in a one-night-stand (as alleged in the paternity suit), knowing good and well at the time that he was Earl Simmons of ALL people…that’s funny and so is the mother.

Earl Simmons, you are a damn funny man. I give credit where credit is due.

But wait, there’s still more…

While finalizing the terms of this same plea agreement, ‘Agent Earl’ was hit with ANOTHER paternity suit on December 13, 2004. (The same day in which his ‘year of good behavior’ was set by the court to begin.)

If you’re keeping score at home, that’s 13 pit-bulls, 9 arrests, 2 paternity suits and a partridge in a pear tree. (I think. Somebody check my math.)

But I digress…

While Earl was ‘serving’ his year of ‘good behavior’ to avoid jail, he was (sigh) ARRESTED AGAIN on December 17, 2004 for speeding…FOUR DAYS LATER. Only 361 days short of the goal.

So close. So, so close. Missed making that year of good behavior by (snap) ‘that’ much…

Correct, his license was already suspended. Correct, he was supposed to stay out of legal trouble or risk the full sentence being imposed for the ‘Secret Federal Agent’ incident. Correct, only an idiot comedian would do 104 mph in a 55 zone with both a suspended license and a conditional prison term hanging in the balance…four days later.

P.S…for good measure, the vehicle was also unregistered.

Earl Simmons…you are a damn funny MotherFather! If I didn’t need them both to breathe I think I would’ve laughed up a lung or two by now.

When I sit back and contemplate my troubles in life and wonder ‘why me’…it’s enough to know that there is Earl Simmons out there to bring a smile to my face and let me know it’s going to be ok. Earl, like all comedians helps us to forget our troubles and better appreciate subtle blessings like:

Being in our right mind…that’s a blessing.
Never having been arrested…that’s a blessing.
In fact, never having been arrested 8+ times in 8 years is a big blessing.

Never having been served with a paternity suit…twice. Blessing.

Never having any criminal delusions of masquerading as a federal agent…blessing.

Or just not being Earl Simmons.

Blessing.

Earl, you are one damn funny man and because of you the world is a funnier place. Thank you for brightening my day and the days of those around you.


Morris W. O'Kelly is a freelance entertainment writer who writes content for entertainment personality websites and national media. You can always reach him at: dark.gable@sbcglobal.net. He welcomes all comments.


Edited by: mrdaveyd at: 12/21/04 10:10 am
 

[STILLDRE IS THE GODFATHER]

x is a dope rapper but he needs to check himself or stay of the crack

[bjax]

hahaha

[Fuck Your Existence]

damn Ja's got some catchin up to do

[Semir]

damn Ja's got some catchin up to do

What do u mean?

[W-Side]

“ARRRRRRRR, get out the car! ARRRRRRR, Federal Agent! WHOO!”

“Dude…but you’re DMX!”

lol..

[Juronimo]

funny shit

[Sikotic™]

Too funny. DMX is proof some people are just not born with common sense.

[-Euthanasia-]

nobody is. its learned behaviour that everybody learns, thus making it common. it is by no means innate.

[Sikotic™]

nobody is. its learned behaviour that everybody learns, thus making it common. it is by no means innate.

It's just a saying, not to be taken literally. Thanks for the info though, Dr. Phil.

[-Euthanasia-]

you're welcome! Dr.........munchkin

[Sikotic™]

you're welcome! Dr.........munchkin

 

[-Euthanasia-]

 

[Sikotic™]