West Coast Connection Forum
Lifestyle => Tha G-Spot => Topic started by: bez on October 21, 2004, 04:27:23 AM
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Take a looky and tell me what you think. I am trying to get this into production in my Media Film and TV class. Its only 15 pages so I would appreciate peeps reading it and then dropping some feedback.
Thanks.
PDF: http://members.lycos.co.uk/bez2k/TheFastestGunsInTheWest.pdf
TEXT: http://members.lycos.co.uk/bez2k/TheFastestGunsInTheWest.txt
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pretty dope.
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someones gonna steal it!!!!
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Thanks :D
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Anybody read it and got any replies?
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i will definitlet read it and give you feedback later today
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cheers mate.
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Jamal still reads this board, you know... ;)
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It's decent, but all I can tell you critically is how I would have done it different. Stephen King himself doesn't even write the way I would write, but of course Stephen King is a much better writer than me... what I'm trying to say is, my advice is nothing more than my advice. It may be right, it may be wrong.
Anyways, the BIGGEST problem with the story, in my opinion, is that Hang 'Em twice's gimmick is rediculous. Nobody would do that. It doesn't make any sense, and it draws the reader's mind away from the story, trying to figure out if it's possible to hang somebody twice, if he'd get caught hanging somebody twice, why they didn't cut the people down, etc. The only way to save that gimmick, in my opinion, is to make Hang 'Em twice a character who's desperate for attention, so he comes up with a gimmick, although it's not very good. You could have Samuel say something like
"See, Hang 'Em Twice was just a small town hustler, but he thought if he could come up with a good nickname, maybe folks would take him for serious... so, not being too bright, he comes up with that "Hang 'Em Twice" gimmick. Oh lord, it caused him all kinds of trouble. It's one thing to be mean, but one time in Pokahonte he came back, and the kin folk had done cut the bodies down and buried 'em! Hang 'Em Twice ended up makin' the poor undertaker dig 'em both back up at gunpoint so he could rope 'em up and live up to his nickname"
Or something like that. LOL See, in that instance, it would flesh out the character and make the gimmick make sense.... by not having it make sense. In my opinion everyone that reads it is gonna think that's a STUPID idea for a gunslinger to try and do, so you'd have to make Hang 'Em Twice have problems with it to make it realistic.
Again, that's just how I'd do it, it may be better or worse. Pretty professional product though, good luck with it! You oughta make some novels or something with those characters, they could be fleshed out significantly.
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Oh, the bullets hitting each other idea was kinda gimmicky, too. I dunno if I'd do that. It wouldn't prove how great of a gunslinger they are, anyways, because the trajectory of the bullets wouldn't cross paths on the way to each others chests (which they'd be aiming for)... so the only way that would happen is if one of them fucked up and was about to miss his target, and accidentally shot the other bullet out of the air. Two perfect shots wouldn't cross paths.... and, gunslingers don't fire just one shot. So, you might want to put another line in
"Why'd they only fire one shot, Samuel?"
"There's a lotta respect between them two, they got history"
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Proper appreciate that mate, thanks alot.
Hang Em Twice's character is that he is that sick and that twisted thats just what he does. He gets kicks out of hanging his victims and then returning the next day/night and doing it again. Its his way of trying to be the baddest motherfucking outlaw in the west. I do understand what you are sying with him though, the bit of dialogue you typed could be very useful to me if I wanna re/write or add to it...with your permission can I save that bit you typed and maybe alter/modify it to fit in with the story.
Thanks alot for actually sitting there and reading it though because what I did need from this post was one of two good replies, at least I got one. Thanks for saying it was professional and for the moral boost with the "You oughta make some novels or something with those characters, they could be fleshed out significantly", line...that was cool.
As for the bullets in the air thing and the whole bullet hitting each other saga. That was done to add an effect of respect, professionalism, and in the end kinda an ultimatum.
Once the bullets had been fired and had hit in mid air they could of stopped, they had nothing to prove...it was just there to show that if they really wanted too they could of given up the "Only Outlaw" title and headed off into different directions but they couldnt leave it. It was just to basically show that actually firing one shot each and the bullets hitting each other means nothing, there was only to be one outlaw leaving the street alive.
I once again though understand what you mean, again thats a good line to put it. The point in the 10 paces though was to turn and fire a single shot each, its who draws and shoots the fastests win...or at least thats the way I was portraying it. Good advice though mate.
Thanks alot Trauma, appreciated.
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One good change I was actually thinking about making myself is the end scene. Instead of the handkerchief blowing onto the graves, Samuel could take a photo of him, the old lady and the 2 boys when they where kids and he could drop that onto the graves instead. It would show that they used to be a family more...and it would show more in depth that Samuel was their father.
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Man, props on that, it was written very nicely, i could picture everything but the guy hanging them twice, i didnt get how we would hang them twice, would he hang them, and say naw i wanna hang em somewhere else, lol why, no one would know that he hung em somewhere else first
and the one shot dude, you need to make it clear how he could kill people with one bullet, cuz once a bullet is in the human flesh i dont see how it would ricashade or somethin and hit someone else, so be more clear on that.
and when that seamus guy asks samuel, "whats his past?" that doesnt sound very natural, i would go with somethin like, so whats the deal with him, or whats his story, you know.
besides those, it was great, you exceeded my expectations specially at a western movie, which i think is hard to make interesting nowdays.
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Jamal still reads this board, you know... ;)
oh fuck, not this again. lol.
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Thanks :D
Jamal still reads this board, you know... ;)
:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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No prob. Bez you can use that if any of it is usefull to you, I think you've came up with some pretty clever ideas on your own, if you think it out a lil' more, I'm sure it'll be even better.
I think whatever you end up doing with this, you'll eventually HAVE to add more to it, because it's pretty short... I'm thinking it would be less than 5 minutes filmed... so that would give you plenty of room to add more dialogue to flesh the stuff out more... just little lines here and there helping to explain things
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Thanks :D
Jamal still reads this board, you know... ;)
:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
lol, glad to see you got rich of my other 2 scripts, a shit jurassic park 4 script and a half finished script that was no where near professional. lol
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Not rich, but a lil extra cash on the side.
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::)
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:-*
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You got no money for my scripts.
Stop lying online, you are not cool.
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Whatever helps you sleep at night...
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Man, props on that, it was written very nicely, i could picture everything but the guy hanging them twice, i didnt get how we would hang them twice, would he hang them, and say naw i wanna hang em somewhere else, lol why, no one would know that he hung em somewhere else first
and the one shot dude, you need to make it clear how he could kill people with one bullet, cuz once a bullet is in the human flesh i dont see how it would ricashade or somethin and hit someone else, so be more clear on that.
and when that seamus guy asks samuel, "whats his past?" that doesnt sound very natural, i would go with somethin like, so whats the deal with him, or whats his story, you know.
besides those, it was great, you exceeded my expectations specially at a western movie, which i think is hard to make interesting nowdays.
Cheers for that mate, appreciated.
Jamal, grow up. You got nothing for my work...so stop trying to come across as if you did.
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LOL, I'm not even saying anything.... you keep bringing it up, which shows how concerned you are, but then you say you don't care... anyways, have a good day
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lol thought so.
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lol thought so.
Thought what? Oh, nevermind, you're saying that to make yourself feel better... let me not ruin it for you...
It wasn't even that much money dude... They just paid me a little for it, but probably aren't gonna use it.... If they did, then I'd be rich, but they won't.... so don't get all pissy
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mate, you got no money from my scripts, stop playin yaself. Your just lying and in desperate need of attention.
For a start, Disney couldnt of even looked at my scripts because they where registered with the WGA...but dude your really playing yourself if you think your fooling me by saying you gave 30 pages of a first draft story but a unrepresented writer which was totally unprofessional and full of grammar and spelling mistakes to a company...and got money for it.
You really must be an idiot, to say you did something and you got something when you didnt is just faggot.
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I would add an anaconda, then I would say you are good to go.
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Who the fuck said anything about Disney? You ugly motherfucker LOL shut the hell up and stop crying like a bitch...
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stop lying like a bitch den you faggot.
Prove it!, thats all I will say. You couldnt even prove to me last time when I asked you if you had actually saved the script. Your full of shit. No wonder you probably have no friends.
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stop lying like a bitch den you faggot.
Prove it!, thats all I will say. You couldnt even prove to me last time when I asked you if you had actually saved the script. Your full of shit. No wonder you probably have no friends.
I can't be mean to you, since you did help me out in a way, so all I'm gonna say is THANK YOU!
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LOL can't prove shit.
Get off my dick you punk ass bitch.
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LOL can't prove shit.
Get off my dick you punk ass bitch.
I can, but I have nothing to prove to you. If you were somebody of any importance, then yes I would prove it, but you aren't.
Punk ass bitch? LOLLLL just imaging your dorky ass say this makes me laugh
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Let me just let you in on something though.... here in Hollywood, you don't have to have a full script to make money... with an outline of the story... basically a summary of the plot... you can earn some cash... if you don't believe me, go ask somebody
This 15 page script will do just fine... let's just wait and find out
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Still lying hey...I feel bad for you.
"Here In Hollywood", LOLOLOLOL!
So what, now you are saying that you old sold the plot outline, not the actual 30 page script?
lol...man your full of shit. You can't prove shit because your just a liar. Post up the first page of the script which you claim to of made money off, which company or people did you take it too and how much did you make?
Oh but wait, you are just full of shit so you will either say "I don't need to prove anything" or just make it up.
LOL....this 15 page script is copyrighted unted the WGA, that means even if you did take it to somebody they can't use it. lol moron. Its a working script anyway, production has started on it.