On day in class little Johny really had to go to the bathroom, so he raised his hand and goes "teacher i have to take a piss." She says "no johny the word we use is urinate, now i want you to use it in a sentence."

So johny goes " Urinate, but if you had bigger tits i'de give you a 10."
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One day a little boy happens to see his mom naked in the shower.

"What's that?" the boy asks.
"That's mommy's axe wound" the mom replies.
The boy gasps, "That must've hurt, it got you right in the cunt!"
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Adam and Eve had just had the first sex every, when God approached Adam to ask how it was. "Great," said Adam. Encouraged, God asked him where Eve was. Adam said, "Oh, she's just washing off in the creek." Suddenly, the sky grew dark and lightning shot from the heavens. Adam, now cowering behind a rock asked him what was the matter. God replied, "By Lucifer's tail, I'll never get that smell out of those fish!"
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, " My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better

Thank you for shopping at Walmart.
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A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue, and shit on the carpet."
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
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A man walks into the confessional both one day and begins to confess his sins to the Priest
He says, “forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“Go on.” says the Priest.

The man says, “Well I have committed adultery…” but the Priest cuts him off. “I have heard enough” says the Priest. “Do 10 Hail Marys and you can go.

The next man walks in.

He says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” The Priest says, “Go on.” “Well I killed a man today…” the man says but he too is cut off. “I have heard enough” says the Priest. “100 Hail Marys and you can go.

A third man walks in.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned.” he says.

“Go on” says the Priest.

“Well I molested my 8 year old son yesterday.”

And the Priest says “REALLY?! How was it?”
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There's an Amish woman from Iowa going down the road in her horse and buggy when she notices flashing lights and a sieren behind her. So she pulls over. The cop comes up and issues her a speeding ticket, and another ticket for animal cruelty because the reins were wrapped around the horse's testicles.

The woman went home and told her husband about the incident. "Well why did the officer give you two tickets?" said her husband. She replied "One was for speeding, and the other was something about the emergency brakes."
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I liked the Dave one the best.

gorilla / wal mart we're alright too

i actually didnt laugh at any of those