Racism/Mental Health/Writing

[Ebony Bree Caple]

I’m schizophrenic
I’ve been diagnosed schizophrenic since 2010 and I have a medication resistant form
Recently I had a severe episode where I hallucinated being a famous man’s slave and consequently resorted to a severe racist outburst online
I slandered both individuals and community members and from what I can remember I threatened people
I’m actually not here to address mental illness but rather racism and I want to use what I can remember from the episode to challenge the ongoing racist dialogue in society
I grew up in a Black community
By grew up with I mean I started living under the same roof as my friends from a young age
Growing up of course I was exposed to various examples of culture and having developed intimate relationships bore first hand witness to various examples of racism
One of my first interactions with police was intervening when my friend was being wrongly arrested
I knew people who’d been beaten by police
I stopped security guards ejecting young kids from the shopping centre unlawfully and tried to get fellow juvenile ex detainees jobs working with juvenile justice
Moving away when I got older I encountered racism quite often amongst whites and would avidly argue having that upbringing and I never really developed strong ties with others
As I said, recently I had a racist outburst
I was using the most derogatory language and threatening people for a period of time. I honestly don’t remember. It could have been a day. It could have been a week.
I find myself now, recovered somewhat, at odds with how exactly I can make amends
I hear a lot of talk about whites not being held accountable
Not holding themselves to account
I don’t want to be that person
I’ve apologized but nobody wants to hear it which they’re entitled to
I don’t think I’d like to talk to someone who can say the things I said either
I can however, with my knowledge of anti racism, use this as an opportunity to make an example of myself
I have displayed not only every derogatory remark in terms of racism in my psychotic episode I have gone through the emotions of somebody guilty who hasn’t quite come to terms with the levity of their behaviour
My intention in writing this is to bring awareness to the stain on society commonly referred to as racism and my perspective stemming from lived experience in the Black community, anti racist movement and my having practiced racism personally
If I, an outsider, a member of an oppressor group can be welcomed into the Black community in the face of a society that discriminates openly against the same people I regard I consider it an honour to inturn fight for their relief and to be accepted in the wider community also free from persecution
As an adult I’ve attended Unconscious Bias seminars, protests and avidly educated myself out of my fragile white stupor supported by the fact that I am afforded an anonymity and benefit of the doubt in this white majority society
I can identify with much of the Pro Black literature I’ve read in that the issues touched on were a part of my upbringing
Child removal, incarceration, racial profiling, unemployment, housing, land rights, deaths in custody, harsher policing and sentencing, education, all areas I witnessed a stark difference between the black and white world’s of Australia
Being able to consequently immerse myself in the white community I encountered much derogatory language. Hate. Accusations of people being responsible for their own suffering.
Navigating the mental health services I’ve been locked in the same secure units as actual white supremacists displaying their hate symbols as I’ve also been in the wider community.
Here is where I want to acknowledge that even with that history, even with my deep seeded belief that we should challenge racism I myself was subject to practicing it.
Granted, I was hallucinating, hysterical, psychotic but that in turn makes me wonder if racism isn’t simply a difference of beliefs. It’s an illness.
How deranged must you be to go beyond all basic principles of humanity and section out a minimum of the population for your abuse simply because of cultural identity.
It must be a disease.
Racism is a disease.
You cannot openly express hatred of any other group in society without law change. Yet our most common form of bias is racism. Our longest serving. Our least rectified.
That’s why I want to use my history in the black community and knowledge of bias and discrimination to not only hold myself to account but others also.
I want to be that example that not only says we can all get along but that we can challenge ourselves and those around us to educate ourselves towards a more equitable future for the people in society ostracized simply because of cultural identity.
I achieved nothing in my hysteria other than fracture relationships. Offend people. Slander.
I was not provoked.
How my friends choose to live has no bearing on my living my life as an individual. Of course there are differences in living based on cultural affinity. Some people find these differences so jarring they seek to discredit others. What we should be discrediting is this notion that everyone needs to behave exactly as we do. That’s unrealistic. Extremely unrealistic when in reality most of racial profiling is based simply on skin colour. We’re always going to be different.
We should embrace our differences.
Appreciate our unique nature, culture, language, custom.
And we should consider defending that uniqueness a duty.
We should consider it a social norm to call out others for practicing bias. To challenge ourselves when we notice we are being bias.
We should be looking for areas of commonality with regards to the fact that we’re different
I’m writing this because I practiced that disease. I was consumed by it.
This country has been under white dominion since 1788.
Millions of lives were lost defending their homeland, their people, their culture. Their way of life.
To sit by idle and hope the continuation of that settler mindset just dissipated is selfish.
We can’t reap the rewards of wrong deeds while the rightful owners pay the rent on their own land AND are vilified and singled out for persecution.
Just as I am hoping to, we all need to look within ourselves and recognise we are contributing to abuse by ignoring it.
We’re condoning racism in practice by not addressing it as avidly as we would were we subjected.
I grew up on a mission but we’re all living on black lands.
We’re all guests here.
And you can’t say people aren’t willing to engage with you when in fact it’s your dismissal of others that deters us from mending fences.
I sit here enveloped in guilt and I want to use my practicing racism to educate others from the standing that I now know how one can actually hold those views. If you had of asked me before my outburst I would have vehemently opposed any accusations of being racist. Now I know I’m capable. Now I know first hand that there is something significantly wrong with people who hold those views.
Black folks can’t trust white people because of these views.
When you have 200 years of horror as a history and you’re expected to simply forgive that there’s something seriously unstable about the person expecting forgiveness. How can you be trusted if it’s still being practiced?
Growing up in the black community I babysat, I cooked, cleaned, was left to live in houses belonging to others unchecked. I helped grandmother’s with medications. I helped my girlfriend’sfind somewhere to live. I attended funerals. Births. I was trusted.
Having that racist outburst I am no longer trusted. How is anybody in their right mind going to leave their grandmother or child in the care of somebody who holds those views?
This is what society expects.
Society expects people of colour to invest their livelihood in the hands of apathetic white who could and more than likely do hold the same views I expressed.
Growing up in a Black community, being white, being enmeshed in what seemed like another world I never could have predicted I’d be here writing this now. Racism, my practicing it was unfathomable to me.
I want to use my having practiced racism with the knowledge I hold of the community and my lived experience challenging racism to make a difference.
I want to approach white people who choose to be bias and tell them my story and help them to change which will inturn change others.

[Sikotic™]

asl?

[Proc pka KP]

It's a crossdresser from Nepal.